2309: 10 Insights of Remarkable Parents from a Family Therapist by Angela Pruess with The Gottman Institute on Parenthood

[00:00:00] [SPEAKER_00]: This is Optimal Relationships Daily, 10 Insights of Remarkable Parents from a Family Therapist

[00:00:06] [SPEAKER_00]: by Angela Pruess with Gottman.com

[00:00:10] [SPEAKER_00]: Hello everybody and welcome to the show where we narrate content to improve your relationships.

[00:00:15] [SPEAKER_00]: I am your host Greg Audino.

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[00:00:39] [SPEAKER_00]: Now the anticipation is built long enough, let's get into Angela's post and start

[00:00:44] [SPEAKER_00]: optimizing your life.

[00:00:50] [SPEAKER_00]: 10 Insults of Remarkable Parents from a Family Therapist by Angela Pruess with

[00:00:55] [SPEAKER_00]: Gottman.com

[00:00:57] [SPEAKER_00]: At any given time, you'll find four or more parenting books on my Amazon wishlist,

[00:01:02] [SPEAKER_00]: a few by my nightstand and an email inbox chock full of insightful parenting theories

[00:01:08] [SPEAKER_00]: and approaches.

[00:01:09] [SPEAKER_00]: Granted, child development is my career, but I speak with plenty of parents in my

[00:01:13] [SPEAKER_00]: practice who find themselves in similar circumstances, with information around every

[00:01:17] [SPEAKER_00]: corner and our culture projecting constant messages, many times contradictory, regarding

[00:01:23] [SPEAKER_00]: how we should raise our kids, feeling like a confident and intentional parent can seem

[00:01:27] [SPEAKER_00]: out of reach many days.

[00:01:29] [SPEAKER_00]: In my 12 years as a family therapist, I've seen many well-intentioned parents mistakenly

[00:01:34] [SPEAKER_00]: employing strategies that aren't meeting the emotional or developmental needs of their

[00:01:38] [SPEAKER_00]: children or families.

[00:01:39] [SPEAKER_00]: I've also observed an increasing number of parents who are successfully mapping out

[00:01:43] [SPEAKER_00]: new and healthier ways of raising children.

[00:01:46] [SPEAKER_00]: These insights, collected over time and gleaned from experience, parallel what we

[00:01:50] [SPEAKER_00]: know from current brain and behavioral research about what kind of parenting is most likely

[00:01:55] [SPEAKER_00]: to contribute to the healthy development of children.

[00:01:58] [SPEAKER_00]: Number one, know that kids will act like kids.

[00:02:02] [SPEAKER_00]: Often parents forget that children learn by screwing up, making mistakes, behaving

[00:02:06] [SPEAKER_00]: immaturely.

[00:02:08] [SPEAKER_00]: The magic happens when a supportive caregiver steps in to steer them in the right direction.

[00:02:13] [SPEAKER_00]: Parents get frustrated and impatient, becoming annoyed with whininess and backtalk

[00:02:18] [SPEAKER_00]: when really, this is how kids are wired.

[00:02:21] [SPEAKER_00]: The part of the brain responsible for reason, logic and impulse control is not fully developed

[00:02:25] [SPEAKER_00]: until a person reaches their early 20s.

[00:02:28] [SPEAKER_00]: Immature behavior is normal for immature human beings with immature brains.

[00:02:32] [SPEAKER_00]: This is a scientific reality that helps us to be patient and supportive in order

[00:02:36] [SPEAKER_00]: to guide our children when they struggle.

[00:02:39] [SPEAKER_00]: Number two, set limits with respect, not criticism.

[00:02:43] [SPEAKER_00]: Due to the fact that our kids need to learn literally everything about the world from us,

[00:02:48] [SPEAKER_00]: they will require many limits throughout their day.

[00:02:51] [SPEAKER_00]: Without proper limits in their environment, kids will feel anxious and out of control.

[00:02:56] [SPEAKER_00]: Limits can be delivered in the form of criticism and shaming or they can be communicated

[00:03:00] [SPEAKER_00]: in a firm but respectful way.

[00:03:02] [SPEAKER_00]: Think about how you appreciate being spoken to at work and go from there.

[00:03:07] [SPEAKER_00]: Number three, be aware of developmental stages.

[00:03:10] [SPEAKER_00]: Have you ever questioned where your easy-going toddler disappeared to as they were suddenly

[00:03:15] [SPEAKER_00]: screaming bloody murder while getting dropped off at daycare?

[00:03:18] [SPEAKER_00]: Hello separation anxiety.

[00:03:21] [SPEAKER_00]: There are literally hundreds of very normal, very healthy transitions kids go through

[00:03:26] [SPEAKER_00]: to become adults.

[00:03:28] [SPEAKER_00]: Being aware of these puts their puzzling behaviors into context and increases the

[00:03:33] [SPEAKER_00]: odds of reacting to them accurately and supportively.

[00:03:36] [SPEAKER_00]: Number four, know your child's temperament and personality.

[00:03:40] [SPEAKER_00]: It seems pretty obvious but if we're in tune with the characteristics that make our child

[00:03:45] [SPEAKER_00]: unique we will have a better understanding of when they may need additional support

[00:03:49] [SPEAKER_00]: and when and where they will survive.

[00:03:52] [SPEAKER_00]: Once you know the basics of what makes your child tick, many important areas become

[00:03:56] [SPEAKER_00]: much easier to navigate such as pinpointing the best environment for homework or understanding

[00:04:02] [SPEAKER_00]: why your daughter needs to come home from overnight summer camp.

[00:04:05] [SPEAKER_00]: Number five, give your child plenty of unstructured play time.

[00:04:10] [SPEAKER_00]: Unless you studied play therapy in school most adults will never fully understand and

[00:04:15] [SPEAKER_00]: appreciate the power of play.

[00:04:17] [SPEAKER_00]: Play is how kids learn all the things and develop all the stuff.

[00:04:21] [SPEAKER_00]: This means leaving time each day for straight up, unstructured, kid controlled, exploration

[00:04:27] [SPEAKER_00]: of the world kind of play.

[00:04:29] [SPEAKER_00]: Number six, know when to talk and when to listen.

[00:04:32] [SPEAKER_00]: Kids learn to be pretty good problem solvers if we let them.

[00:04:35] [SPEAKER_00]: Because we love the life out of them and don't want them to succeed it's hard not

[00:04:39] [SPEAKER_00]: to jump in and solve some problems for them by virtue of lecture or criticism.

[00:04:44] [SPEAKER_00]: If parents more often held their tongues and waited it out they'd be shocked at

[00:04:48] [SPEAKER_00]: how often their children can successfully reach their own conclusions.

[00:04:52] [SPEAKER_00]: Being heard is powerfully therapeutic and it allows us to think things through

[00:04:56] [SPEAKER_00]: and reach a solution.

[00:04:57] [SPEAKER_00]: Kids want and need to be heard and feel understood just like the rest of us.

[00:05:03] [SPEAKER_00]: Number seven, have an identity outside of your child.

[00:05:07] [SPEAKER_00]: Many of us often claim that our children are our world and this is certainly true

[00:05:11] [SPEAKER_00]: in our hearts.

[00:05:13] [SPEAKER_00]: In terms of daily life however parents need to have more.

[00:05:17] [SPEAKER_00]: We need to nurture the friendships, passions and hobbies that make us who we are as

[00:05:21] [SPEAKER_00]: individuals.

[00:05:22] [SPEAKER_00]: Doing this can feel like a battle as our protective anxieties try to convince us

[00:05:27] [SPEAKER_00]: our children can't be without us and also that we can't be without them.

[00:05:31] [SPEAKER_00]: But we can be and need to be in order to stay sane and avoid saddling our

[00:05:37] [SPEAKER_00]: kids with the task of meeting all of our emotional needs.

[00:05:41] [SPEAKER_00]: Number eight, understand that actions speak louder than words.

[00:05:45] [SPEAKER_00]: The way you interact with your child and live your life will be your

[00:05:48] [SPEAKER_00]: child's greatest teacher.

[00:05:49] [SPEAKER_00]: Kids are incredibly observant and way more intuitive than we give them credit for.

[00:05:54] [SPEAKER_00]: They are always watching.

[00:05:56] [SPEAKER_00]: This can be slightly inconvenient for parents but if we're able to keep it in

[00:06:00] [SPEAKER_00]: mind knowing our children are watching our actions will not only teach them

[00:06:04] [SPEAKER_00]: how to behave but it will make us better people.

[00:06:07] [SPEAKER_00]: Number nine, recognize that connection, fun and creativity are the best ways to

[00:06:12] [SPEAKER_00]: promote positive behaviors and a cooperative attitude.

[00:06:15] [SPEAKER_00]: Fear and control aren't effective long-term teachers for our kids.

[00:06:20] [SPEAKER_00]: While those dynamics may appear effective in the short term they won't

[00:06:23] [SPEAKER_00]: equip our kids with a strong moral compass or effective problem solving

[00:06:27] [SPEAKER_00]: skills.

[00:06:28] [SPEAKER_00]: If our child feels valued as a person based on our interactions with

[00:06:32] [SPEAKER_00]: them they will naturally learn to value others and have the confidence

[00:06:35] [SPEAKER_00]: to make good choices.

[00:06:37] [SPEAKER_00]: Number ten, set the overall goal to shape a child's heart and not just

[00:06:42] [SPEAKER_00]: their behavior.

[00:06:44] [SPEAKER_00]: We often get the impression from the world around us that the goal of

[00:06:48] [SPEAKER_00]: parenting is to produce a compliant well-behaved child.

[00:06:51] [SPEAKER_00]: While these are certainly desirable qualities for most parents they are not

[00:06:55] [SPEAKER_00]: core qualities that contribute to a happy and healthy human.

[00:06:58] [SPEAKER_00]: Helping our children understand the importance of their thoughts and

[00:07:01] [SPEAKER_00]: emotions gives them coping and relationship skills, skills that will

[00:07:05] [SPEAKER_00]: protect and guide them throughout their lives.

[00:07:08] [SPEAKER_00]: Changing our parenting habits and styles is never easy but if it's

[00:07:11] [SPEAKER_00]: truly in the best interest of our children it'll always be worth it.

[00:07:19] [SPEAKER_00]: You just listened to the post titled,

[00:07:21] [SPEAKER_00]: Ten Insights of Remarkable Parents from a Family Therapist by Angela

[00:07:25] [SPEAKER_00]: Pruess with gotman.com and I'll be back shortly with my comments.

[00:07:31] [SPEAKER_00]: My my almost too many good takeaways here.

[00:07:34] [SPEAKER_00]: ORD is buzzing right now am I right? Am I the only one who's seeing this?

[00:07:37] [SPEAKER_00]: I mean this is full of really insightful information.

[00:07:41] [SPEAKER_00]: I'd say if there's one thing that's often overlooked in parenting it would

[00:07:44] [SPEAKER_00]: be what Angela alluded to in number seven about having an identity

[00:07:48] [SPEAKER_00]: outside of our children.

[00:07:49] [SPEAKER_00]: There are a select few things in life depending on who we are that

[00:07:54] [SPEAKER_00]: we're kind of conditioned to believe we should really throw ourselves

[00:07:57] [SPEAKER_00]: at enough to cause imbalance in other areas.

[00:08:00] [SPEAKER_00]: Though there's some flexion with this ultimately balance rejuvenates

[00:08:03] [SPEAKER_00]: us and gives us the energy to contribute wholly to all we need to

[00:08:06] [SPEAKER_00]: contribute to and parenting while of course of particular importance

[00:08:11] [SPEAKER_00]: is no different.

[00:08:13] [SPEAKER_00]: And with that we will wrap up today's episode.

[00:08:15] [SPEAKER_00]: Thank you so much for listening and I will see you again tomorrow

[00:08:18] [SPEAKER_00]: where your optimal life awaits.