2313: The 3 Crucial Steps You Must Take After Your Breakup by Eddie Corbano of Love's A Game on Dating Advice

[00:00:00] [SPEAKER_00]: This is Optimal Relationships Daily, The 3 Crucial Steps You Must Take After Your Breakup

[00:00:06] [SPEAKER_00]: by Eddie Corbano of Lovesagame.com

[00:00:10] [SPEAKER_00]: Hello everybody, I am your host Greg Audino and welcome back to Optimal Relationships

[00:00:16] [SPEAKER_00]: Daily, the show where I focus on narrating a wide variety of relationship content for

[00:00:21] [SPEAKER_00]: you and yours.

[00:00:23] [SPEAKER_00]: Today's post is about three things you must do after a breakup.

[00:00:26] [SPEAKER_00]: These three steps will support your route to freedom and healing, even if you feel like

[00:00:30] [SPEAKER_00]: you're destined to die alone.

[00:00:34] [SPEAKER_00]: Well, I'm sure the intro alone is bringing up all sorts of wonderful memories for everyone,

[00:00:39] [SPEAKER_00]: so let's move right along, listen to today's post, and start optimizing your life.

[00:00:49] [SPEAKER_00]: The 3 Crucial Steps You Must Take After Your Breakup by Eddie Corbano of Lovesagame.com

[00:00:58] [SPEAKER_00]: Quote, Burning bridges behind you is understandable.

[00:01:02] [SPEAKER_00]: It's the bridges before us that we burn, not realizing we may need to cross that brings

[00:01:07] [SPEAKER_00]: regret.

[00:01:09] [SPEAKER_00]: Anthony Liccioni

[00:01:11] [SPEAKER_00]: Years ago I was brought to a crossroad and it was truly a moment of decision.

[00:01:16] [SPEAKER_00]: I had just gone through a life-changing breakup and all the past years of my life,

[00:01:21] [SPEAKER_00]: all the experiences I'd ever had, all the mistakes I'd made, everything had

[00:01:26] [SPEAKER_00]: led me here.

[00:01:27] [SPEAKER_00]: The problem was I had no clue which turn to take.

[00:01:31] [SPEAKER_00]: I had burned the bridges behind me, something that had taken courage I'd never thought

[00:01:35] [SPEAKER_00]: I had, and now I was staring at the bridges before me, not knowing which one to avoid

[00:01:41] [SPEAKER_00]: and which one to cross.

[00:01:44] [SPEAKER_00]: Remaining in this neutral zone between the bridges was not an option, that much

[00:01:48] [SPEAKER_00]: I knew, but I was hesitant, and so afraid.

[00:01:53] [SPEAKER_00]: The Breakup

[00:01:54] [SPEAKER_00]: It had been six months since she'd left right before our wedding.

[00:01:57] [SPEAKER_00]: I'd gone through gut-wrenching emotional pain that I'd never experienced before,

[00:02:03] [SPEAKER_00]: and so I made the impossible decision to stop keeping in touch with her.

[00:02:08] [SPEAKER_00]: That wasn't a conscious decision out of necessity, to my shame, but out of self-protective

[00:02:13] [SPEAKER_00]: weakness.

[00:02:14] [SPEAKER_00]: I couldn't bear it one more minute.

[00:02:16] [SPEAKER_00]: Her cold voice, her indifference, the continual demonstration that it was permanently

[00:02:22] [SPEAKER_00]: the alarming facts about her new life, and worst of all, the obsessive pondering over

[00:02:29] [SPEAKER_00]: insignificant details triggered by her presence.

[00:02:32] [SPEAKER_00]: I finally sent her a letter to announce the termination of our friendship attempt and

[00:02:37] [SPEAKER_00]: her presence in my life, and I watched that bridge burn brightly into the night.

[00:02:42] [SPEAKER_00]: And while I almost felt the warmth of that figurative fire on my skin, it suddenly

[00:02:48] [SPEAKER_00]: dawned on me that I didn't know where to go from here.

[00:02:51] [SPEAKER_00]: What's Coming Next?

[00:02:53] [SPEAKER_00]: How I Received Unexpected Help

[00:02:56] [SPEAKER_00]: In such moments in life, we are often offered unexpected help, people, events and opportunities

[00:03:02] [SPEAKER_00]: that help us cross the right bridge.

[00:03:04] [SPEAKER_00]: I've seen it over and over in my personal and professional life.

[00:03:08] [SPEAKER_00]: We merely have to recognize and accept the help.

[00:03:11] [SPEAKER_00]: Many people don't.

[00:03:13] [SPEAKER_00]: My help came in shape of an almost long-forgotten relative of mine.

[00:03:17] [SPEAKER_00]: He found me and he made me cross that bridge.

[00:03:20] [SPEAKER_00]: He told me that I alone was responsible for my happiness, not my ex, not my friends,

[00:03:26] [SPEAKER_00]: not my family, myself alone.

[00:03:29] [SPEAKER_00]: That insight gave me the push I needed to move out of the neutral zone and into unknown land.

[00:03:36] [SPEAKER_00]: The Two Choices I Had To Face

[00:03:38] [SPEAKER_00]: I could not go back.

[00:03:40] [SPEAKER_00]: There was this newly awoken pride in me and an unfamiliar will to move forward.

[00:03:45] [SPEAKER_00]: Besides, that bridge was burned.

[00:03:47] [SPEAKER_00]: There was nothing I could do anyway.

[00:03:48] [SPEAKER_00]: So there were only two choices left for me.

[00:03:52] [SPEAKER_00]: One, give up completely on myself and on my life.

[00:03:56] [SPEAKER_00]: Everyone who has ever been through massive emotional turmoil knows that this is a real choice.

[00:04:01] [SPEAKER_00]: Or two, use this experience to rebuild myself from the ground up.

[00:04:06] [SPEAKER_00]: I decided that I would use this breakup experience as a catalyst to change who I was

[00:04:11] [SPEAKER_00]: and thus my life's journey.

[00:04:13] [SPEAKER_00]: The choice was scary.

[00:04:14] [SPEAKER_00]: It was almost like being forced to make a trip to an unknown destination and purpose.

[00:04:19] [SPEAKER_00]: Scary and a little bit exciting.

[00:04:22] [SPEAKER_00]: That very day I knew that I was going to make it.

[00:04:25] [SPEAKER_00]: In such moments of clarity, you feel that the will to make it is almost enough.

[00:04:30] [SPEAKER_00]: Everything else is just a consequence of that forceful decision.

[00:04:34] [SPEAKER_00]: And I did make it.

[00:04:36] [SPEAKER_00]: And even today, I can't believe to what extent.

[00:04:39] [SPEAKER_00]: It led me to my purpose in life, which is helping others take the same path I did.

[00:04:43] [SPEAKER_00]: It led me to have the fulfilling marriage I always dreamt about.

[00:04:48] [SPEAKER_00]: And it led me to beautiful twin girls who are the light of my life,

[00:04:51] [SPEAKER_00]: all built on the pain that I had to overcome.

[00:04:55] [SPEAKER_00]: The three steps into emotional freedom.

[00:04:58] [SPEAKER_00]: If you are going through a breakup or divorce right now,

[00:05:01] [SPEAKER_00]: here's the best advice I can give you.

[00:05:03] [SPEAKER_00]: There are three crucial steps you must take right after leaving the crossroad,

[00:05:07] [SPEAKER_00]: that neutral zone I talked about.

[00:05:09] [SPEAKER_00]: Before anything else, you must decide to move forward.

[00:05:13] [SPEAKER_00]: I've seen clients who are stuck here in this neutral zone between wanting them back

[00:05:18] [SPEAKER_00]: and moving forward for years.

[00:05:20] [SPEAKER_00]: Agonizing, excruciating, demeaning years.

[00:05:24] [SPEAKER_00]: Once you've decided that you can't go on like this anymore,

[00:05:27] [SPEAKER_00]: you have to burn the bridge behind you.

[00:05:29] [SPEAKER_00]: One, break off all contact with your ex-partner.

[00:05:34] [SPEAKER_00]: Much has been written about the no contact rule on the internet.

[00:05:37] [SPEAKER_00]: Mostly bad things.

[00:05:39] [SPEAKER_00]: The purpose of the rule is to give yourself time and space to heal

[00:05:42] [SPEAKER_00]: and an opportunity to change your perspective.

[00:05:45] [SPEAKER_00]: At the beginning of the breakup, your ex is like a harmful drug to you.

[00:05:50] [SPEAKER_00]: You can't break the addiction while they're still around.

[00:05:53] [SPEAKER_00]: Following the no contact rule is nothing like ghosting.

[00:05:56] [SPEAKER_00]: You don't use it as a tool to manipulate your ex.

[00:05:59] [SPEAKER_00]: You're not following a hidden agenda.

[00:06:01] [SPEAKER_00]: You act like an adult and inform them about your absence and your motives,

[00:06:05] [SPEAKER_00]: and abusive ex being the exception.

[00:06:08] [SPEAKER_00]: Know this, it will most likely be the hardest thing you've ever done.

[00:06:12] [SPEAKER_00]: But at the same time, the most liberating thing you've ever done.

[00:06:18] [SPEAKER_00]: Trust me, I've been coaching people through this since 2005,

[00:06:22] [SPEAKER_00]: and I've seen so many breakthroughs because of this one step.

[00:06:25] [SPEAKER_00]: Watch this fascinating TED Talk by anthropologist Helen Fisher

[00:06:29] [SPEAKER_00]: about what happens in your brain when you think about your ex.

[00:06:33] [SPEAKER_00]: Once you've burned this bridge, you move on to the next step.

[00:06:36] [SPEAKER_00]: Two, do the work to accept the breakup.

[00:06:40] [SPEAKER_00]: The recovery after a breakup progresses in seven stages,

[00:06:45] [SPEAKER_00]: and one of the most important ones is reaching acceptance.

[00:06:48] [SPEAKER_00]: Once you've broken off contact, you will go through a phase of emotional withdrawal,

[00:06:53] [SPEAKER_00]: which is categorized by obsessive overthinking and dwelling on the what ifs and if onlies.

[00:06:59] [SPEAKER_00]: This does not go away until you reach some degree of acceptance

[00:07:02] [SPEAKER_00]: of the terrifying finality of that breakup.

[00:07:06] [SPEAKER_00]: You can start by using this affirmation.

[00:07:08] [SPEAKER_00]: I acknowledge that my partnership with their name is over.

[00:07:14] [SPEAKER_00]: Also, what I tell my clients is to slowly allow yourself

[00:07:17] [SPEAKER_00]: to realize the true nature of the former relationship.

[00:07:21] [SPEAKER_00]: We tend to idealize both the partner and the relationship.

[00:07:25] [SPEAKER_00]: This is what I call the pedestal effect.

[00:07:28] [SPEAKER_00]: Reaching acceptance will take work and willpower,

[00:07:30] [SPEAKER_00]: but once you've made it, your next goal is

[00:07:34] [SPEAKER_00]: Three, conscious disengagement.

[00:07:36] [SPEAKER_00]: Let your ex go.

[00:07:39] [SPEAKER_00]: This is one of the hardest steps as it involves the decision to let someone go

[00:07:43] [SPEAKER_00]: whom you still feel love for.

[00:07:45] [SPEAKER_00]: It appears to be counterintuitive.

[00:07:48] [SPEAKER_00]: It's also the step that most of us tend to avoid.

[00:07:51] [SPEAKER_00]: That's the real reason there are people who can't get over their ex for several years.

[00:07:55] [SPEAKER_00]: The all-time record I've encountered is 30 years.

[00:07:59] [SPEAKER_00]: It's a conscious step.

[00:08:01] [SPEAKER_00]: You decide to let go, and then you do the work to let them go.

[00:08:04] [SPEAKER_00]: This isn't necessarily something that happens automatically.

[00:08:08] [SPEAKER_00]: Sometimes time doesn't heal all wounds.

[00:08:11] [SPEAKER_00]: There are many techniques you can use that will help you do this,

[00:08:14] [SPEAKER_00]: but keep in mind that it's a process, not a one-time action that will do the trick.

[00:08:19] [SPEAKER_00]: Letting go is breaking the self-limiting belief that this one person

[00:08:23] [SPEAKER_00]: holds the key to your happiness and that you cannot find new love.

[00:08:28] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm living proof that you can.

[00:08:31] [SPEAKER_00]: Conclusion

[00:08:32] [SPEAKER_00]: I took the bridge toward healing instead of standing there and watching the burning bridges

[00:08:37] [SPEAKER_00]: of my past.

[00:08:38] [SPEAKER_00]: How scary that is, you probably already know.

[00:08:41] [SPEAKER_00]: But you should be excited because it's a new beginning.

[00:08:44] [SPEAKER_00]: It's the certainty that you're going to gain so much more than you lost.

[00:08:49] [SPEAKER_00]: That's what you must believe.

[00:08:51] [SPEAKER_00]: My ex was everything to me.

[00:08:53] [SPEAKER_00]: And yet, I found a whole new world of happiness without her.

[00:08:58] [SPEAKER_00]: Trust me when I tell you that you can too.

[00:09:00] [SPEAKER_00]: All you have to do is stop being afraid and start believing in yourself.

[00:09:05] [SPEAKER_00]: And once you've crossed the last bridge of your recovery as a new,

[00:09:09] [SPEAKER_00]: strong, and emotionally free person, you will most likely discover one thing.

[00:09:14] [SPEAKER_00]: Someone is waiting for you at the end of that last bridge.

[00:09:17] [SPEAKER_00]: Someone who will make having endured all that pain worthwhile.

[00:09:21] [SPEAKER_00]: The perfect fit partner you were destined to be with.

[00:09:25] [SPEAKER_00]: Your friend and coach, Eddie Corbano.

[00:09:31] [SPEAKER_00]: You just listened to the post titled,

[00:09:34] [SPEAKER_00]: The 3 Crucial Steps You Must Take After Your Breakup

[00:09:37] [SPEAKER_00]: by Eddie Corbano of lovesagame.com

[00:09:42] [SPEAKER_00]: Uh, I don't know who this Eddie Corbano character is or how he's managed to step

[00:09:48] [SPEAKER_00]: directly into my brain, but this is certainly a path I have been down personally.

[00:09:53] [SPEAKER_00]: And he is right, it's a mixed bag of emotions

[00:09:56] [SPEAKER_00]: which comes with a lot of uncertainty, a lot of excuses, a lot of suspense.

[00:10:01] [SPEAKER_00]: It's simple and sort of goes against the grain of how a lot of psychology dictates.

[00:10:06] [SPEAKER_00]: But there are times in which reminding ourselves of the power of decision

[00:10:11] [SPEAKER_00]: and taking a formal stance against our traumas can be very impactful.

[00:10:16] [SPEAKER_00]: And you know, based on Eddie's story and his accomplishments,

[00:10:18] [SPEAKER_00]: I trust that this is one of them.

[00:10:20] [SPEAKER_00]: Thanks a lot to Eddie for letting us read his work and offering just a firm,

[00:10:24] [SPEAKER_00]: timeless reminder to anyone out there that will, has, or is struggling with breakup recovery.

[00:10:29] [SPEAKER_00]: We're going to end on that note, friends.

[00:10:31] [SPEAKER_00]: Thank you so much for listening.

[00:10:33] [SPEAKER_00]: Have a wonderful rest of your day and be sure to tune in tomorrow where your optimal life awaits.