2314: [Part 1] Missed Connections by Colin Wright of Exile Lifestyle on Dating Advice

[00:00:00] [SPEAKER_00]: Now before we start, you might want to check out our other podcasts covering topics like personal

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[00:00:18] [SPEAKER_01]: This is Optimal Relationships Daily. Missed Connections Part 1 by Colin Wright of

[00:00:23] [SPEAKER_01]: Exile Lifestyle.com. Hello everybody, welcome to another week of Relationship Optimizing.

[00:00:30] [SPEAKER_01]: I am your host, Greg Audino. How is everybody doing? Hoping no one out there has a case of

[00:00:35] [SPEAKER_01]: the Mondays today? I personally am feeling pretty peachy because today I'm narrating a post by

[00:00:40] [SPEAKER_01]: Colin Wright on non-traditional relationships, something worth discussing more and more.

[00:00:45] [SPEAKER_01]: Also this post is a bit longer than usual so I am splitting the article in two. I'll

[00:00:49] [SPEAKER_01]: read the first half today and you guessed it, finish the rest tomorrow. So let's get

[00:00:53] [SPEAKER_01]: into part 1 and start optimizing your life. Missed Connections Part 1 by Colin Wright of

[00:01:03] [SPEAKER_01]: Exile Lifestyle.com. Boracay is a weird place to be single. I'm reminded of this as a server

[00:01:11] [SPEAKER_01]: at one of the restaurants near my apartment drops off my food, napkin and fresh commentary.

[00:01:17] [SPEAKER_01]: Why are you always here alone? Always here just yourself with no one else?

[00:01:20] [SPEAKER_01]: I shrug and smile. She accepts this as an answer thankfully. I found that any other response

[00:01:26] [SPEAKER_01]: provokes well-meaning but unwelcome matchmaking attempts. A few days ago I had a similar interaction

[00:01:32] [SPEAKER_01]: with a male server, but the question was whether I was in Boracay with anyone else.

[00:01:37] [SPEAKER_01]: I told him no and less than five minutes later a pretty female manager came over to speak to me

[00:01:42] [SPEAKER_01]: to make sure everything was up to par, to find out where I was staying and to ask how long I

[00:01:46] [SPEAKER_01]: would be there. After dinner a number was written on my receipt. I'm guessing it was

[00:01:51] [SPEAKER_01]: hers but it could have been the server's. Either case would have been flattering,

[00:01:55] [SPEAKER_01]: but would also run opposite to what I'm trying to accomplish here in the Philippines.

[00:01:59] [SPEAKER_01]: And what am I trying to accomplish? A good think mostly, a step back and a reassessment.

[00:02:05] [SPEAKER_01]: Some writing certainly, but the writing is a byproduct of the internal observation.

[00:02:10] [SPEAKER_01]: I keep stringent tabs on my state of mind, my habits, my purpose. These are things I allow

[00:02:16] [SPEAKER_01]: to gather cobwebs for a significant chunk of my teens and twenties, and ever since I started

[00:02:21] [SPEAKER_01]: paying them mind again back when I was 24, my entire life and lifestyle have changed for the

[00:02:26] [SPEAKER_01]: better. Each day is a step above the last, each and every moment worth treasuring. There are

[00:02:32] [SPEAKER_01]: downswings certainly, but nothing major, nothing of note. For nearly seven years,

[00:02:37] [SPEAKER_01]: life has been truly wonderful, primarily because I started paying attention. My current

[00:02:42] [SPEAKER_01]: additional level of attention, this period of extra special mind care, is the result of

[00:02:48] [SPEAKER_01]: some that I've already experimented with, and some that I can feel coming but

[00:02:51] [SPEAKER_01]: don't yet know the shape of. One such change is this trip itself. My model for exploring

[00:02:58] [SPEAKER_01]: the Philippines isn't radically different from what I've done before, but there are enough

[00:03:02] [SPEAKER_01]: differences in the specifics that I'm curious to see how I respond to it as compared to

[00:03:06] [SPEAKER_01]: my usual four month framework. I want to know how streamlining my flat finding process impacts

[00:03:12] [SPEAKER_01]: my experience of a place. I want to know how living a month in each location is different from

[00:03:17] [SPEAKER_01]: four. The travel itself isn't the only aspect of my life with which I'm fiddling.

[00:03:22] [SPEAKER_01]: I've been seriously considering diving into other media spheres, looking at an increasing

[00:03:26] [SPEAKER_01]: number of TV related opportunities, even considered starting my own customized non-standard

[00:03:32] [SPEAKER_01]: production project, perhaps while waiting for something more mainstream to become concrete,

[00:03:36] [SPEAKER_01]: or even instead of the orthodox option. But what about social media? How much should I be

[00:03:42] [SPEAKER_01]: investing there, and what benefits will I gain with more effort implemented here, less there,

[00:03:47] [SPEAKER_01]: and by adding entirely new platforms into the mix? I've been writing books for a while,

[00:03:53] [SPEAKER_01]: but there are new options available in how they're sold and marketed. Does having a

[00:03:57] [SPEAKER_01]: longer presale period help or hinder the first week's numbers? Should I be investing

[00:04:02] [SPEAKER_01]: more in my drum banging when a new book launches, or can I continue to get away with

[00:04:06] [SPEAKER_01]: my usual low-key marketing strategy? If I change something in this formula, would a good book

[00:04:12] [SPEAKER_01]: flop? Would I kill an income stream? Would I put my lifestyle in jeopardy because I cut off a

[00:04:17] [SPEAKER_01]: flow of revenue, or because I opted into a responsibility that requires me to have interactions

[00:04:22] [SPEAKER_01]: that I find to be ethically questionable? And how about relationships? The last time I had a

[00:04:28] [SPEAKER_01]: relationship was in 2009. It was a good partnership with a wonderful person, and it led me to a

[00:04:34] [SPEAKER_01]: period in which I questioned everything and recognized something that I always knew,

[00:04:38] [SPEAKER_01]: but was afraid to admit to myself. The standard model isn't for me. I don't want kids,

[00:04:44] [SPEAKER_01]: I don't think the traditional concept of marriage would fulfill me or the type of

[00:04:48] [SPEAKER_01]: person I'm into, and I find limitations, particularly those that imply ownership of

[00:04:53] [SPEAKER_01]: another person or that limit them in any way, to be against my values. In the many years

[00:04:58] [SPEAKER_01]: since then I have experimented and rejiggered the formula. What I've settled on since then,

[00:05:03] [SPEAKER_01]: a model I've found to be a good fit for me and my type, are long-term open relationships.

[00:05:09] [SPEAKER_01]: These allow for the shared growth with another person, but without restrictions that don't

[00:05:13] [SPEAKER_01]: jive with my lifestyle and how I want to treat another person. That said, I often go many

[00:05:18] [SPEAKER_01]: months at a time without so much as a date, much less dating anyone. This is sometimes the

[00:05:23] [SPEAKER_01]: result of living in a place that isn't conducive to non-standard relationships,

[00:05:26] [SPEAKER_01]: but sometimes it's intentional. Sometimes I say, no, let's just focus on me for a while.

[00:05:32] [SPEAKER_01]: This is one of those moments. Coming off of a recent wonderful partnership that was a little

[00:05:37] [SPEAKER_01]: unexpected, I've been hankering for some me time, a little bit of psychological distance

[00:05:42] [SPEAKER_01]: which allows me to more easily focus on personal growth and my needs rather than

[00:05:46] [SPEAKER_01]: sharing my mind space with someone else who I'm missing, whose presence I create.

[00:05:51] [SPEAKER_01]: These me moments are grand because although they can be lonely, they also force me

[00:05:56] [SPEAKER_01]: to consider where I want to be, not where I am. When you're with someone else, you're in the

[00:06:01] [SPEAKER_01]: moment because you both need to be on the same page. When you're alone, you can focus

[00:06:06] [SPEAKER_01]: on some future moment, some new place, because there's no one to accidentally leave behind,

[00:06:12] [SPEAKER_01]: no one who's buy-in you require in order to make changes in yourself.

[00:06:16] [SPEAKER_01]: My situation stands out like a sore thumb here on the island. Boracay is a place where

[00:06:21] [SPEAKER_01]: people honeymoon. It's where you bring a date you want to impress. Even the locals are all

[00:06:26] [SPEAKER_01]: paired off. The jovial, primarily ex-military expats and their tiny Filipino wives spend much

[00:06:31] [SPEAKER_01]: of their time together, eating and drinking and sitting near spots where they were moments

[00:06:35] [SPEAKER_01]: ago eating and drinking. There are couples from Germany and Finland and the States

[00:06:39] [SPEAKER_01]: ambling about as well. Though they're lost in the deluge of Chinese tourists who move in

[00:06:44] [SPEAKER_01]: packs of 10 to 40, their multitude overwhelming all nearby tables, chairs, boots and foot

[00:06:49] [SPEAKER_01]: paths. Even these great swarms of people with their matching t-shirts and backpacks

[00:06:55] [SPEAKER_01]: tend to be paired off. An odd number in Boracay is an odd thing indeed. Relationships are

[00:07:01] [SPEAKER_01]: considered by many to be challenging, difficult, to be points of stress in one's life. These

[00:07:07] [SPEAKER_01]: downsides are tolerated because the upsides are worth it of course, but I don't understand

[00:07:12] [SPEAKER_01]: the draw of such relationships. Why would you fight to propagate something that isn't helping

[00:07:17] [SPEAKER_01]: you get where you want to be and that isn't allowing you to live the life you desire?

[00:07:22] [SPEAKER_01]: One of the main reasons people don't end toxic relationships I think is that they're afraid

[00:07:27] [SPEAKER_01]: to be alone. There's a deep-seated fear in many that to be alone is to be a failure,

[00:07:32] [SPEAKER_01]: to be lost and rudderless, to be cast away from that which once connected them to a

[00:07:37] [SPEAKER_01]: wider world. If they don't have their partner, a partner, any partner, they have no plans,

[00:07:42] [SPEAKER_01]: no aspirations, no dates to keep. They identify as being one half of a whole,

[00:07:47] [SPEAKER_01]: rather than being whole all by themselves. To be continued.

[00:07:56] [SPEAKER_01]: You just listened to part one of the post titled Missed Connections by Colin Wright

[00:08:01] [SPEAKER_01]: of Exile Lifestyle.com. Excited to start Colin's work? It goes without saying that we

[00:08:06] [SPEAKER_01]: all have different needs at different points in life, thus it is important to reflect on how

[00:08:11] [SPEAKER_01]: those unique needs apply to things that we all take part in that tend to be done the same

[00:08:15] [SPEAKER_01]: they be relationships, education, work and more. So we'll see what else Colin has to say about

[00:08:22] [SPEAKER_01]: that tomorrow. Meanwhile I hope you have a great rest of your day. I'm looking forward

[00:08:26] [SPEAKER_01]: to sharing the rest of Colin's material with you tomorrow where your optimal life awaits.