2316: The Re-Negotiated Relationship by Keith Wilson on Breakup & Divorce Advice

[00:00:00] This is Optimal Relationships Daily, the re-negotiated relationship by Keith Wilson of Keith WilsonCounseling.com

[00:00:09] Hello everybody I am your host, Greg Audino and welcome back to the show that is all about the different types of relationships in your life

[00:00:17] and what people who aren't you and aren't in your life it all have to say about them, ha ha

[00:00:23] A lot of motivation on this show to amplify our relationships

[00:00:26] Now, today's post is by License Professional Counselor Keith Wilson so let's get into his post and start optimizing your life

[00:00:38] The re-negotiated relationship by Keith Wilson of Keith WilsonCounseling.com

[00:00:45] Once you're in a relationship with someone you'll always be in a relationship with that person

[00:00:50] It's like the hotel California you can never leave

[00:00:53] I don't care if you never speak to her again

[00:00:56] If you move to the other side of the world and put up a dartboard with her face on it

[00:01:00] You'll always be in a relationship

[00:01:03] There will always be a corner of your brain

[00:01:06] I dare say a corner of your heart that has her name on it

[00:01:10] This is doubly true if you're in photos on Facebook together

[00:01:13] This is Tripoli True if she met your parents

[00:01:17] It's quadruply true if you were married

[00:01:19] It's doubly Tripoli quadruply true if you have kids together

[00:01:23] You're hitched

[00:01:25] Love may not be eternal but a relationship is

[00:01:28] The legal end of a marriage is not the end of a relationship

[00:01:33] Relationship at its minimal level means that your partner rents space in your head

[00:01:37] You think of him sometimes happily or unhappy with fondness or regret

[00:01:41] He's part of your story and you're part of his

[00:01:44] You have to account for him if you're honest

[00:01:46] You'll be flooded with memories good or bad after the most trivial cues

[00:01:51] He'll affect the way you relate to anyone else

[00:01:53] He'll always be an item to compare and contrast

[00:01:57] Usually there are more feelings many more

[00:02:00] They may be negative feelings you might hate her but hates a feeling

[00:02:04] At some point time and time again for the rest of your life

[00:02:07] When the right buttons are pushed

[00:02:09] You'll be transported by your passions

[00:02:11] You've seen this in others

[00:02:13] You've had beers with the man who at the mere mention of his ex

[00:02:16] Goes on a 10 minute tirade about the shrew

[00:02:19] You've drained a bottle of wine with the friend who comes over every detail of her

[00:02:23] Ex is pervasive perfity

[00:02:25] These are people still in relationships even though their divorces are final

[00:02:30] By the way, 11-8 are not that far apart

[00:02:34] They're both intense. They're both very very far away from indifference

[00:02:38] You'll never be indifferent about a former partner

[00:02:41] No matter how hard you try and fake it

[00:02:43] If you agree that you will always be in a relationship

[00:02:47] Then the question is what kind of relationship will it be

[00:02:51] Seizing the rope

[00:02:53] Picture yourself having fallen off a cliff and hanging on to a bush

[00:02:57] Just as the roots are beginning to give

[00:03:00] Someone lowers a rope down to you. It's the person you once loved who hurt you and you no longer trust

[00:03:07] Do you grab the rope? I think no matter what you might say

[00:03:12] You'll grab the rope but maybe not until after that bush begins to give way

[00:03:16] If you don't grab the rope out of spite or stupidity

[00:03:20] Because you don't want to give him the satisfaction of saving you then you die

[00:03:25] If you do grab the rope then you've demonstrated that no matter how untrustworthy a person is

[00:03:31] If the need is great enough

[00:03:33] You'll trust him

[00:03:34] After he calls you back up and you catch your breath

[00:03:37] You might not fall into his arms and live happily ever after

[00:03:40] The wounds of the past are still unhealed

[00:03:43] He may have saved your life but he's still a jerk

[00:03:46] However, you have succeeded in setting aside your differences to work together towards an important goal

[00:03:53] You briefly renegotiated your relationship

[00:03:57] I tell this story as a way of saying that sometimes not only when you fall off a cliff

[00:04:02] You still have a need that only your former loved one will satisfy

[00:04:06] When that happens you renegotiate your relationship

[00:04:10] The renegotiated relationship

[00:04:13] Once a relationship is made for one purpose it's possible to change that purpose to another

[00:04:18] When you get together with someone to hang on Friday nights and end up having

[00:04:22] You are renegotiating the relationship

[00:04:26] When you decide to be exclusive you've renegotiated it again and again when you give her a ring

[00:04:31] Before you know it your relationship is all about raising kids and paying off a mortgage

[00:04:36] Hopefully you still enjoy each other's company on Friday night and

[00:04:40] In long vibrant marriages

[00:04:42] Purpose is accumulate in ailing ones old purposes die off

[00:04:47] If you have lost some purposes but others remain then it may make sense to renegotiate the relationship

[00:04:53] People do this all the time when they get a divorce

[00:04:56] But cooperate with each other to raise kids

[00:04:59] They say their union is finished

[00:05:01] But it's really not it's been converted into another kind of union working together towards a different purpose

[00:05:07] The couple might not achieve authentic reconciliation this way they never go back to the fullness of their relationship as it existed before

[00:05:15] You don't need to trust that your husband won't sleep with other women for example

[00:05:20] You just need to trust that he'll bring back the kids

[00:05:22] These can be very satisfying and valuable relationships nonetheless for both of you and especially for the kids

[00:05:30] Renegotiating and growing up

[00:05:32] You can see this process of renegotiation in any healthy relationship between parents and children

[00:05:38] In early childhood parents are responsible for everything and they can claim almost complete access to their child

[00:05:45] When you were young you could fin your pants and your parents had to clean it up

[00:05:49] When they did so they would touch you in a private area

[00:05:53] As you get older you had to clean yourself up and doing so you earned the right to set boundaries on your parents

[00:05:59] As an adult your parents can't touch your they may even have to knock before they can come in your house

[00:06:05] But you can have a very satisfying

[00:06:07] Valueable relationship with them nonetheless in cases where you have been harmed by a parent

[00:06:13] You may need to renegotiate their relationship further

[00:06:16] If your father can't say three words to you without being critical

[00:06:19] Then you may not want to play golf with him every weekend because you can't trust him to go

[00:06:24] 18 holes without getting on your nerves

[00:06:26] On the other hand you might not want to sever the relationship completely because you don't think that would be right

[00:06:32] Besides you still want to see your mother. That's what Thanksgiving dinner is for my guess

[00:06:36] For the sake of peace your relationship has been renegotiated into one where you have a meal once a year

[00:06:43] The long way to reconciliation

[00:06:46] When someone has been harmed in a relationship and the relationship is renegotiated into something more limited

[00:06:52] We can't really say the partners have achieved full reconciliation

[00:06:56] It's not like they've gone back to the way things were before, but they've negotiated a peace

[00:07:01] So to speak. They instituted a demilitarized zone that none can cross

[00:07:06] Having this understanding is so much better than all out war

[00:07:10] But the partner still rarely patrol the border for violations and incursions

[00:07:15] In time if the DMZ is respected it can turn into an ordinary boundary that requires no special defense

[00:07:22] Then you might say there is reconciliation if only because the two parties simply don't need to fight

[00:07:27] It's hard to believe that two former British colonies the United States and Canada have several times in their history

[00:07:34] Thought wars against each other

[00:07:35] The issues between them have long since passed away and only historians remember why they fought

[00:07:41] You could say that the two countries have reached reconciliation without ever uniting

[00:07:45] This is the long way to reconciliation which is achieved not by the members working it out

[00:07:52] But by agreeing to leave each other alone

[00:07:57] You just listen to the post titled the renegotiated relationship by Keith Wilson of Keith Wilson counseling dot com

[00:08:06] Thanks so much to Keith very important to realize that our relationships with everything are always changing not just people

[00:08:13] This can sure be hard to acknowledge

[00:08:15] Especially for those of us who consciously or subconsciously look to any person or item as a means of angering ourselves or

[00:08:23] Lying upon them to keep us all right if you will but if we can stay aware of impending transitions in both good times in bad

[00:08:31] There's much less temptation to control and thus a much freer and more accepting relationship

[00:08:38] That'll do it for today though my friends. Thanks so much for tuning in and I will see you tomorrow

[00:08:43] Would they post for parents where you're optimal life awaits?