2319: Should I Forgive Him? Should I Forgive Her? Here's what you should ask yourself first by Angel Chernoff of Marc & Angel

[00:00:00] This is Optimal Relationships Daily. Should I forgive Him? Should I forgive Heres? Here's what you should ask yourself first by Angel Chernoff of Marcandangel.com

[00:00:11] Hello everybody, how are you today? I am your host, Greg Audino, I am a Certified Life Coach and Advice columnist, and I am also here narrating blog post to help you improve your relationships one day at a time

[00:00:25] Now, if you've ever wondered if you should forgive someone who wronged you, I am sure you'll find today's episode very enlightening and perhaps very unsettling for those of you who hate forgiveness, that's fine too

[00:00:38] Confessional Coach Angel Chernoff talks about perspective, compassion and more in her post, so let's get to her insights and start optimizing your life

[00:00:51] Should I forgive Him? Should I forgive Heres? Here's what you should ask yourself first by Angel Chernoff of Marcandangel.com

[00:01:01] Never forgive Him. She showed up at my front door before work at 7am this morning with the most troubled, despondent expression on her face, which is not typical of her disposition

[00:01:13] I'm sorry I didn't call she said, but I haven't slept all night and I really need to talk to someone. I just need some advice

[00:01:21] I invited her in and poured her a cup of coffee, so what's on your mind? I asked

[00:01:27] Last night my husband told me something about his college years that he had never told me before she said in the shaky voice

[00:01:33] And I completely disagree with his actions. It's horrible really, and I just can't stop thinking about it

[00:01:40] I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive him

[00:01:42] Well, before you tell me anything else, let me ask you this

[00:01:46] Why do you think your husband confided in you? I mean, why do you think he told you now?

[00:01:52] I don't know, she replied

[00:01:53] I guess he finally trusted me enough to tell me

[00:01:56] Did he commit a crime? I asked

[00:01:59] No

[00:02:00] Was anyone physically or emotionally hurt by his actions?

[00:02:04] No, not really

[00:02:05] So how do you feel about him right now?

[00:02:09] Do you still love him?

[00:02:10] Of course I do, she replied

[00:02:12] And whatever he did back in college, do you think he learned his lesson or do you think he would do it again?

[00:02:18] Oh, I'm fairly certain he learned a big lesson she replied

[00:02:21] He actually teared up about it when he told me he said he still ashamed of himself

[00:02:26] Okay

[00:02:26] So let me get this straight man

[00:02:29] Last night your husband finally felt that he trusted you enough to tell you about a dark secret from his college years

[00:02:35] And although somewhat unsettling he didn't hurt anyone

[00:02:39] And you think he learned his lesson, which means he grew emotionally from the experience

[00:02:43] And to top it off, you're still completely in love with him

[00:02:47] So what exactly can you never forget him for?

[00:02:51] She said in silence for a few seconds

[00:02:53] Made a crooked half smile and then sugar head

[00:02:56] I mimicked her facial expressions and shook my head back at her

[00:02:59] Then she started laughing and so did I

[00:03:01] More about us less about them

[00:03:05] Sometimes the problems we have with others, our spouse, parents, siblings etc

[00:03:10] Don't really have much to do with them at all

[00:03:12] Because these problems are actually about us

[00:03:15] And that's okay

[00:03:16] It simply means these little predicaments will be easier to solve

[00:03:20] We are after all in charge of our own decisions

[00:03:23] We get to decide whether we want to keep our head cluttered with events from the past

[00:03:28] Or instead open our minds to the positive realities unfolding in front of us

[00:03:32] All we need is the willingness to look at things a little differently

[00:03:36] Letting go of what happened and what should never have been

[00:03:40] And instead focusing our energy on what is and what could be possible

[00:03:45] Because as my friend discovered this morning, sometimes the only problem standing in our way

[00:03:51] Is the one we created in our head

[00:03:53] Does anything really need to be forgiven here?

[00:03:57] That's a question I challenge you to ask yourself first

[00:04:00] Whenever you feel like my friend felt when she arrived at my doorstep this morning

[00:04:04] It's a simple question that can provide a necessary dose of perspective when your emotions are surging

[00:04:09] And it's a practice mark and I often discuss with our course students and live event attendees

[00:04:14] When forgiveness is at stake in their personal relationships

[00:04:17] The bottom line is that letting go of the need to forgive every misstep and mistake a person makes

[00:04:24] Can be mentally and emotionally freeing for everyone involved

[00:04:28] Truly there is an obvious shift in our hearts and minds that happens when we go from feeling hurt and upset

[00:04:34] To peaceful and loving

[00:04:36] But it's not necessarily forgiveness that's taking place

[00:04:39] It's just the realization that there was nothing to forgive in the first place

[00:04:44] Because mistakes are the growing pains of wisdom

[00:04:47] And sometimes they just need to be accepted with no strings attached

[00:04:51] To help you wrap your head around this concept

[00:04:54] Try to look at your situation from a distance

[00:04:57] Imagine a more seasoned, wiser and more compassionate version of yourself

[00:05:02] Sitting at the mountain top of life

[00:05:04] Looking down and watching as the younger minded present version of you

[00:05:09] Stumbles your way through life

[00:05:10] You see yourself holding onto false beliefs and making obvious errors of judgment as you maneuver through life's many obstacles

[00:05:17] You watch the children of the world growing up in challenging times that test their sense of self confidence

[00:05:23] Yet they push forward bravely

[00:05:25] You see the coming generation radiating with passion and love as they fail forward

[00:05:31] Learning through their mistakes

[00:05:32] And you have to wonder what this wiser version of yourself conclude that almost everyone in their own unique way was doing their very best

[00:05:41] And if everyone is trying to do their best, what really needs to be forgiven

[00:05:46] Not being perfect

[00:05:49] Obviously there is not a one-size-fits-all answer to anything in life

[00:05:53] And forgiveness is no exception

[00:05:55] Some situations are far more complicated than others

[00:05:58] But in any case, let's do our best to challenge our minds with a necessary dose of perspective whenever our emotions are surging

[00:06:06] Let's learn from our mistakes and let others learn from theirs

[00:06:09] Let's embrace our imperfections and let others embrace theirs

[00:06:13] And let's begin again together with a little more acceptance, compassion and a piece of mind

[00:06:19] After thoughts and questions

[00:06:22] As I'm wrapping up this short essay, I'm reminded of a quote Mark wrote in our New York Times best-selling book

[00:06:28] Getting back to happy

[00:06:30] Well, forgive yourself for the bad decisions you made

[00:06:34] For the times you lacked understanding, for the choices that hurt others and yourself

[00:06:39] Forgive yourself for being young and reckless

[00:06:42] These are all vital lessons

[00:06:44] And what matters most right now is your willingness to grow from them

[00:06:49] And quote

[00:06:50] Don't you just love that compassionate sentiment?

[00:06:53] I sincerely wish such compassion for myself and for everyone else

[00:07:01] You just listen to the post titled, should I forgive him?

[00:07:05] Should I forgive her?

[00:07:06] Here's what you should ask yourself first by Angel Shurnoff of Markandangel.com

[00:07:12] Oh yes, like quite like this one

[00:07:14] Wonderful words from Angel, thanks to her for allowing us the privilege of reading her content

[00:07:18] I especially like her sentiment about watching oneself from a distance and assessing our perceptions of others behaviors in that way

[00:07:26] It can be hard to do that, but it's essential to realize how much our emotions can cloud us

[00:07:31] So stepping aside, pretending to be a higher version of ourselves perhaps

[00:07:37] And looking at both our own behavior and the behavior of others

[00:07:41] That many might think goes beyond forgiveness is a really wonderful tool for putting things into perspective

[00:07:46] And understanding that we're all only operating with the best information and level of consciousness that we have at any time

[00:07:53] That in mind Angel is very right in questioning whether or not anything deserves forgiveness

[00:07:58] So a wonderful article

[00:07:59] With that, let's sign off on today's episode

[00:08:02] Thank you so much for joining me here once again

[00:08:04] I will be back tomorrow

[00:08:05] Where your optimal life awaits