2322: How Much Lying Is Acceptable Online? by Evan Marc Katz on Dating Apps Advice & Modern Relationships

[00:00:00] This is Optimal Relationships Daily. How Much Lying Is Acceptable Online by Evan Marc Katz of EvanMarkKatz.com

[00:00:10] Hello, everybody! I am Greg Audino and welcome back to ORD for another Monday. As you may know we are all about helping you optimize the many relationships in your life by narrating from blogs with permission from the authors

[00:00:23] And we will be doing just that again today because today I am featuring a post by EvanMark Katz on the lies people tell when they are dating online. How Much Lying Is Too Much and Is It Ever Okay?

[00:00:37] Let's hear what Evan has to say and start optimizing your life.

[00:00:45] How Much Lying Is Acceptable Online by EvanMarkKatz of EvanMarkKatz.com

[00:00:53] Quote, Hi Evan! I am fairly new to your site and to dating in general back on the market after a long marriage.

[00:01:00] So at this point I am mainly trying to figure out how things work and what the unwritten rules and policies of the dating game are.

[00:01:07] I have had an account on a dating site for the last two months. I have had a decent number of people contact me and we mostly click fairly well when we meet in person.

[00:01:15] However, one thing that I noticed puzzles me. It seems like no one bothers to list accurate information about themselves on their profile.

[00:01:24] I am okay with people withholding but I see things on men's profiles that turn out to be downright misleading.

[00:01:30] Don't get me wrong. I wouldn't get too upset if a guy's profile picture is 5 years old or if he's really 5-8 and not 5-10.

[00:01:37] What I keep finding out though are things like some college means no education past high school or that work in research means factory worker at a plant whose clients are R&D companies.

[00:01:50] And a white-collar technical profession listed on a profile really means been out of work for some years and divorced means separated with no court date insight.

[00:01:59] And these are the nicer ones. My problem with misleading pieces of information like these is that I don't know what else to expect. Can this person ever be trusted?

[00:02:09] What else is he lying to me about? How can I tell if he just posted a little white lie on his profile so he can get a first date and show me what a nice person he really is or if he's a con man through and through.

[00:02:20] Lastly, where do I draw the line? At what point does it stop being cute and start being a big deal? After all here I am meeting with total strangers from the internet and like it or not I have my personal safety to worry about.

[00:02:34] I did a search on your blog before I sat down to write this letter and found a blog article where you say it's okay to stretch the truth a little just to get your foot in the door.

[00:02:42] Which I more or less agree with but my question is how can I tell between a little and a lot? In the online dating world how much lying is okay and how much is considered too much. What are the red flags hope you can advise. Thanks and quote.

[00:03:00] Timely letter. I just got back from a week long vacation and discovered in my inbox a link to this eye opening article posted by the fine folks at okaycupid entitled the big lies people tell in online dating.

[00:03:13] However, for all of the dating sites advanced metrics and data the subtitle of the piece could simply have been duh.

[00:03:19] Okay, cupid merely confirmed what you and me and everyone else who has ever dated online has seen ourselves. There's no detail small enough to resist exaggerating.

[00:03:29] The only things you may find surprising are that women lie about their height and income just as much as men do seriously. So no more self-reczesy males about men okay.

[00:03:38] Lying isn't something that only others do like speeding and getting creative on your taxes lying online is something that we do as a form of semi-accepted rule breaking.

[00:03:49] What I found fascinating was that the older you are the more likely you are to lie. You may conclude that people over the age of 35 are simply less ethical

[00:03:56] that they're more jaded less comfortable around computers perhaps life has burned them too many times.

[00:04:03] Maybe the civics courses in the 70s were less effective because of watergate.

[00:04:07] Really I could spend any number of cock and me mytheries but the truth is much simpler.

[00:04:12] Older people lie because they need to lie to get attention from the most desirable people.

[00:04:17] A 22 year old guy can make $24,000 a year as a waiter and not need to exaggerate. That simply won't fly if he's 35.

[00:04:25] A 24 year old woman can post a photo and watch responses roll in like the tide.

[00:04:30] A 44 year old woman virtually drops off the face of the earth in comparison.

[00:04:34] So when the market gets more and more competitive and you recognize the realities of the situation,

[00:04:39] you're forced into a tough decision. Most women say to themselves,

[00:04:43] there are hundreds of women on here who are younger and thinner than I am. They're getting all of the

[00:04:47] attention of the men that I want to meet. So if I change my age from 44 to 39 or post a picture that was

[00:04:54] taken five years and 25 pounds ago, it will give me a greater chance to get in the door.

[00:04:59] If I tell the truth that I'm middle-aged and slightly overweight,

[00:05:03] the only people who will pay attention to me are homely and desperate 60 year old men.

[00:05:07] Needless to say, it works the exact same way for men. So 5'8 becomes 5'10,

[00:05:12] $75,000 becomes $100,000 and 55 becomes 49. Not to mention the highly creative indulgences

[00:05:20] cited in the original email. Listen, I've been on the CBS early show defending women lying

[00:05:25] about their age, it's certainly not an easy task. After all anyone can decry someone who lies,

[00:05:31] what else are they hiding? But given the pervasiveness of online lying, I came to the conclusion

[00:05:36] that lying, while not morally defensible, is at least understandable from a practical standpoint.

[00:05:42] People for the most part don't lie because they're bad folks who can't tell the difference

[00:05:46] between right and wrong. They're just insecure that telling the truth will eliminate them

[00:05:50] from contention before they ever get a chance to meet you. If you have nothing else to hide,

[00:05:55] then this is never occurred to you. I'm a 38-year-old guy with a decent job, a solid education

[00:06:00] and good income. There's no real incentive to lie unless I want to make myself a bit taller than

[00:06:05] 5'9. But the guy who has been separated for 18 months in his wife's home-signed divorce papers,

[00:06:11] the guy who lost his prestigious job and hasn't quite landed on his feet yet. The guy who

[00:06:15] never formally educated, but it's a wife from life experience, he knows that you will not

[00:06:20] give him a chance if he tells the truth. And since you won't give him a chance,

[00:06:24] he's going to give himself a chance. Obviously, this plan backfires 90% of the time,

[00:06:30] but to the people who are lying, they see it as the only means to get in front of you.

[00:06:35] Because the truth is, you won't go out with the 5'6 guy, the guy in the wheelchair or the guy who

[00:06:40] makes less than you. Don't deny it. The evidence to support my assertion is overwhelming.

[00:06:46] So to answer your question after all, while I don't know where the line is between the acceptable

[00:06:50] white line unacceptable water, I will say this. Ironically, the man who lies online sees

[00:06:56] himself as insecure, not trustworthy. If he doesn't trust anything, it's that he will actually

[00:07:02] give him a shot in spite of his flaws. And I have to say that from what I've observed,

[00:07:06] he's right. Is he wasting his time and yours by misrepresenting himself?

[00:07:12] Absolutely. Would he have the chance to meet you if he didn't represent himself? Absolutely not.

[00:07:21] You just listen to the post titled, How Much Lying is Acceptable Online by Evan Markets

[00:07:27] of EvanMarkets.com. I think the takeaway here, everybody, is that lying is in our nature.

[00:07:34] It's a form of protecting oneself. And while it's not ideal, if you do find yourself tempted

[00:07:40] to lie or are caught up in a web of lies of others, I understand that it's simply a reflection

[00:07:45] of a desire to be more secure with oneself. And thus an opportunity to identify areas which

[00:07:51] need to be either improved upon or come to terms with. And with that, let's go ahead and wrap things

[00:07:57] up for today. I hope you enjoyed this one and I hope you'll stop in for our next episode tomorrow

[00:08:02] where you're optimal life awaits.