2328: Financial Infidelity And The Problems It Can Create by Michelle Schroeder-Gardner of Making Sense of Cents on Marriage & Money

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[00:00:44] Hello everybody and welcome back to another one of our weekly bonus episodes here on O'R.D.

[00:00:49] I'm Greg Audino, your host of the show and this week I'll be sharing a previous airing of our finance show, Optimal Finance Daily, which is structured the same as this one but focuses on content that covers all things personal finance.

[00:01:03] So get ready for a sample of OFD. Here is Diana with the post and her commentary as we optimize your life.

[00:01:14] Financial infidelity and the problems that can create by Michelle Schroeder Gardner of makingSenseaSense.com

[00:01:24] Infidelity of any kind is something no one wants to think about happening.

[00:01:29] While some may think financial infidelity isn't that big of a deal or that it would never happen to them, think again.

[00:01:36] According to an article on Forbes, 20% of those in the US keep financial secrets and 7% between the ages of 18 to 49 have a secret bank account or a secret credit card they keep from their partner.

[00:01:51] Also, according to a survey taken by the National Endowment for Financial Education, 31% of survey takers admitted lying to their spouses about their finances.

[00:02:01] These aren't just little lies either. Most of the 31% stated that if their spouse found out about their lie, that a divorce may be on the horizon.

[00:02:12] Whether it's secret credit card debt, a large secret purchase such as a house or car, or something else, some relationships do experience these problems.

[00:02:22] I've heard of some finding out that their spouses had hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of debt they didn't know about, a second house they kept without the spouse knowing and so on.

[00:02:34] The problem with financial infidelity is that it can lead to even bigger financial problems, like debt piling up beyond what's imaginable, stress, unhappiness, it may start impacting other areas and a person's life such as work,

[00:02:49] and it may even lead to divorce. There are things you can do though if you don't want financial infidelity in your relationship.

[00:02:57] Here's some of the things you might want to think about when it comes to financial infidelity.

[00:03:03] Note, don't confuse this post with separate accounts. How a couple decides to manage their money is up to them and everyone is different.

[00:03:12] Some do better with joint accounts whereas others do better with separate accounts. What I'm referring to in this post is secret debt money that is secretly cut from a spouse and so on.

[00:03:25] Number 1. Recognize the signs of financial infidelity. There may be a chance that you're already a victim of financial infidelity.

[00:03:34] Some of the signs include. There are no more bills in the mail. This could be a sign that someone is hiding the bills.

[00:03:42] There are calls from debt collectors. These may actually be legitimate calls.

[00:03:47] Your credit cards are being rejected. This could be a sign that someone is overspending without your knowledge, and your partner no longer wants to talk about money.

[00:03:56] This could be a sign that your partner is too afraid to talk about money around you at a fear that you will uncover the truth.

[00:04:04] Number 2. The Case for Secret Accounts. I've heard of many saying that they have secret financial accounts because they know their spouse will spend all of the money they have unless somebody is kept secret from them.

[00:04:18] Their spouse may have a gambling addiction, a spending problem, a drug problem, or something else plaguing their life.

[00:04:25] Well, this may sound like a good step to take so that you and your spouse can save more money. It most likely is not.

[00:04:32] It's a much better idea to solve financial problems in your relationship than to come up with temporary solutions that may just lead to a bigger disaster.

[00:04:43] Finding help for your spouse such as finding a therapist, support group, etc. Instead of keeping a secret from them is a step that may help you more in the end.

[00:04:54] Number 3. Be Open About Money. Regularly communicating about money is an important step for every relationship.

[00:05:03] Being open about your money situation can help prevent any surprises. It will ensure that both people in a relationship are aware of what's going on and so on.

[00:05:13] You and your partner should sit down every so often such as once a week, once a month, or whatever time framework's pass for the two of you.

[00:05:22] In these money meetings, you should discuss your financial goals, money values, and more. How the two of you are doing financially? What changes need to be made?

[00:05:33] Any financial problems and so on. The key here is that both of you are up-to-date on what's going on so that everyone can work towards the families financial problems.

[00:05:44] And number 4. Have Spending Limits. Some couples tell each other about every single purchase they make, whether they buy something for a dollar or if they buy something for a thousand dollars.

[00:05:57] Others only tell their spouse if they reach a certain amount, such as a hundred dollars.

[00:06:02] Whatever you decide, it's a good idea to sit down with your spouse so you can determine what is the best amount for your situation.

[00:06:09] Doing this can help keep the communication lines open in your relationship, so there are fewer arguments about money.

[00:06:21] You just listen to the post titled Financial Infidelity and the problems that can create by Michelle Schroeder Gardner of MakingSenseofSense.com

[00:06:31] I'm all about financial transparency, probably more than most people and not just with my partner.

[00:06:38] For example, back in 2019, I participated in a breakout session at Camp Mustache where I opened up my books.

[00:06:45] I shared my income expenses, net worth, and strategy for reaching 5 to 60 people so they can weigh in on my plan.

[00:06:53] I found it liberating and reassuring for these money nerds to validate my numbers. However, there is one situation that I see discussed nearly every day, where I think it is necessary to hide money.

[00:07:08] And it's if you find yourself in an abusive relationship.

[00:07:11] This is because financial abuse occurs in 99% of domestic violence cases, and it's often cited by victims as the main reason that they stayed with,

[00:07:22] or returned to an abusive partner. I'm in a Facebook group called Women on Fire, and I'm not exaggerating when I tell you that nearly every day,

[00:07:33] there is a post by a woman asking for advice on how to leave an abusive relationship when she doesn't have access to any of the household money.

[00:07:42] The stories are heartbreaking and for every post asking for advice, there are hundreds of comments from women who have gone through it.

[00:07:51] A common theme I see is that you need to have your own money if you're ever going to get out, whether this be cash on hand or your own separate bank account.

[00:08:01] And I've seen comments from women who took a year or more quietly stashing away money and planning an escape.

[00:08:09] If you find yourself in this situation, I am sending you an enormous hug, and I sincerely encourage you to contact a domestic abuse shelter.

[00:08:20] They have resources to help you come up with a plan on how to get out in the safest way possible.

[00:08:27] And that should do it for today, have a happy rest of your day, and I'll see you on the Friday show tomorrow, where your optimal life awaits.