2335: Raising Healthy Children (Changing Me, Changes My Children) & Raising Strong, Healthy Daughters by Lisa Merlo-Booth

[00:00:00] Now before we start, you might want to check out our other podcasts covering topics like personal development and minimalism, money, health, relationships, and more. So to optimize your life in other areas, just search for Optimal Living Daily in your podcast app. Now on to the show.

[00:00:17] This is Optimal Relationships Daily. Raising Healthy Children, Changing Me, Changes My Children, and Raising Strong, Healthy Daughters, both by Lisa Merlo-Booth of lisamerlo-booth.com.

[00:00:32] Hello everybody, I am Greg Audino and welcome to ORD, the podcast where I narrate books and blogs to you that are all about relationships and how you can improve yours.

[00:00:42] Today, I will be narrating two parenting posts by Lisa Merlo-Booth. These posts will tell you more about why it's crucial for you to model good actions and behavior for your kids. So, we're going to learn more from Lisa and start optimizing your life.

[00:01:00] Raising Healthy Children, Changing Me, Changes My Children by Lisa Merlo-Booth of lisamerlo-booth.com

[00:01:09] I never realized how much my emotional health would impact my children until I had them. I used to think that setting good limits and providing guidance, love, and nurturance would be enough. I'm realizing that it's a good start, but it's not enough.

[00:01:23] You see, I can't raise healthy children unless I'm healthy. I can say all the right things, read the right books, watch the right shows, etc. However, I can't bring my children farther along than I am myself.

[00:01:36] I've become aware of this after watching my children's behavior around the issue of competition.

[00:01:41] You see, I've been competitive my whole life. My husband and I laugh at this because I can be competitive about the silliest things, like who touches the other person last or who gets home faster.

[00:01:51] I can also be competitive about more typical things, such as who wins the tennis, soccer, or board game.

[00:01:56] When I was younger, I had to be everybody's best friend. As I got older, I had to be every client's best therapist.

[00:02:04] I wanted to be every boyfriend's most special girlfriend and my husband's only true love.

[00:02:09] I am not proud of it, just aware of it.

[00:02:12] When I had children, I swore they were not going to be too competitive.

[00:02:17] I was conscious of saying all the right things.

[00:02:19] It's not about winning, it's about having fun.

[00:02:22] Don't worry if you're not the best, just do your best.

[00:02:24] Then one day, I saw it.

[00:02:26] There was my son being so competitive and comparing everything to the best or the most popular or you name it.

[00:02:34] I was dumbfounded. How did this happen?

[00:02:37] It's from our culture, I thought.

[00:02:39] Then I realized it wasn't just our culture.

[00:02:42] It was also me.

[00:02:44] I began to listen to myself speaking to him and my daughter about non-competitive things.

[00:02:48] For example, I'd ask them who their favorite teacher was or their best friend or their favorite subject.

[00:02:55] I couldn't ask a question, it seemed, without putting a qualifier on it.

[00:03:00] I couldn't keep competition out of my home because this was my blind spot.

[00:03:05] My edge is competition.

[00:03:06] I want to be the best across the board because to be less than that, well, is to be less.

[00:03:11] Of course, I know this isn't true intellectually, but in those moments when I'm being triggered, I'm not so sure that being okay is good enough.

[00:03:20] As I continue to gain internal strength and confidence in myself rather than in what I do, my children gain a similar strength,

[00:03:27] and it is almost as though I can read my progress through them.

[00:03:31] This is not to say that I am responsible for everything they do.

[00:03:34] It is saying, however, that it is more important we work on our own edges, because if we don't, they are likely to become our children's edges too.

[00:03:43] Challenge

[00:03:44] Be courageous enough to work your issues.

[00:03:47] Do you see them being played out in your children?

[00:03:49] If so, get conscious about your role and pay attention to the subtle ways you are passing it on.

[00:03:55] Commit to work this edge in yourself and then watch the changes in your children.

[00:04:10] It's important for every parent to realize that, first and foremost, children live what they know.

[00:04:16] And they know what they live.

[00:04:18] This principle means that the best way to raise a healthy daughter is to be healthier self.

[00:04:23] She's watching the adults in her life.

[00:04:25] She's paying attention to how her parents speak, treat, and relate to one another.

[00:04:29] What she sees in her parents' marriage is what she's likely to repeat in her own.

[00:04:34] What our actions are teaching our daughters

[00:04:37] 1. Poor self-esteem

[00:04:39] If we struggle to hold ourselves in warm regard, we teach our daughters to do the same.

[00:04:45] A daughter will watch our insecurity and model it herself.

[00:04:49] She's likely to struggle with feeling worthy and will make a lot of decisions based on what will get her liked rather than what's the right thing to do.

[00:04:56] The best gift we can do is strengthen our own sense of self-worth so she can grow hers.

[00:05:02] 2. Harsh, abusive, or disrespectful talk in the home

[00:05:06] If parents speak disrespectfully, abusively, or harshly to one another, they teach their daughter that this is the norm in romantic relationships.

[00:05:15] If the family is harsh in general, she is learning that harshness is a part of all relationships.

[00:05:21] She's likely to grow up to become harsh herself or be in relationships with someone who will treat her harshly.

[00:05:27] The harshness will feel similar, just like a pair of comfy, ripped-up jeans.

[00:05:32] 3. Negative self-talk

[00:05:34] When we walk around the house calling ourselves fat, dumb, absent-minded, etc., we teach our daughters to do the same.

[00:05:45] 4. Control

[00:05:54] If you micromanage everyone in your home and insist they do things your way, you are sifting your child's ability to think for herself or himself.

[00:06:02] In the long run, the child will learn to control or be controlled, neither of which bodes well for healthy relationships.

[00:06:10] 5. Be present

[00:06:12] Our presence, emotionally and physically, sends the message that our children are worthy of our time.

[00:06:18] When children feel worthy, they make sure others treat them as such.

[00:06:22] Absent fathers, in particular, leave girls hungry for love.

[00:06:25] When girls are hungry for love, they take whatever they can get from males.

[00:06:29] They're constantly in search for the love they didn't get from their dads.

[00:06:33] Fathers, step up and be present.

[00:06:36] The consequences are too great if you don't.

[00:06:39] 6. Mothers, learn to say no.

[00:06:42] Mothers need to model how to set limits and stand up for themselves with their husbands and the world.

[00:06:47] When we stand up for ourselves, we give our daughters the ability to stand up for themselves.

[00:06:52] If we are constantly over-accommodating, placating, and walking on eggshells, we deprive our daughters of a vital lesson in life.

[00:06:59] Stand up and practice good self-care.

[00:07:02] In general, if you want to raise strong, healthy daughters who create strong, healthy relationships, then you need to model what you want her to master.

[00:07:11] Get yourself strong and healthy.

[00:07:13] Don't accept poor treatment unless you want her to do the same.

[00:07:16] Don't be angry and harsh toward her or the world unless you want her to be angry and harsh.

[00:07:21] Lead by example and give your daughter the best jumpstart possible for healthy relationships.

[00:07:27] Challenge.

[00:07:28] Look at the list just shared with you.

[00:07:31] Find the areas you need to work on and commit to working those areas.

[00:07:35] Stop the negative self-talk.

[00:07:37] Practice healthy self-esteem.

[00:07:39] Stop controlling.

[00:07:39] Be present and model what you want your daughter to master.

[00:07:47] You just listened to the post titled, Raising Healthy Children, Changing Me Changes My Children, and Raising Strong Healthy Daughters, both by Lisa Merlot Booth of lisamerlotbooth.com.

[00:08:00] Thank you so much to Lisa for a couple of dandies today.

[00:08:03] One thing that I think is reflected in all of our posts, particularly parenting posts, is just how much it does require to be a parent.

[00:08:12] When considering if we're ready, we often think about finances, satisfaction in our own lives, a stable partner, etc.

[00:08:19] But we often forget to realize that parenting also requires constant monitoring and a potentially huge upheaval of our own behavior in each moment of life, really.

[00:08:30] So thank you so much to Lisa for really hammering home that often overlooked aspect of preparing for and living as a parent.

[00:08:37] And thanks so much to all of you for coming by.

[00:08:40] We are done for the day here on ORD.

[00:08:42] I will be back tomorrow where your optimal life awaits.