2339: [Part 1] Love Is Not A Thing by Will Penney of Be Better Stupid on Love in Relationships

[00:00:00] This is Optimal Relationships Daily, Love Is Not A Thing, Part 1 by Will Penney of BeBetterStupid.com

[00:00:09] Hello everybody and welcome back to the show where I help you optimize your relationships.

[00:00:15] I am Greg Audino and today we have Part 1 of an awesome post about the L word, we'll call it, by Will Penney of BeBetterStupid.com

[00:00:24] Part 1 means there's a lot to sift through between today and tomorrow, so let's get right into it and start optimizing your life.

[00:00:35] Love Is Not A Thing, Part 1 by Will Penney of BeBetterStupid.com

[00:00:42] We hear about how important love is all the time and how we need it in so many ways.

[00:00:47] All you need is love. You have to love yourself before you can love someone else.

[00:00:52] You are committing with these vows to love this person until the day you die.

[00:00:56] You must love your child unconditionally. Choose love, not fear.

[00:01:01] Which, good God, how annoying. I mean, holy f-

[00:01:06] Where do you even start with all that?

[00:01:08] How do you just cram the feeling of love into your brain more?

[00:01:12] How do you manifest those feelings chemicals in your skull?

[00:01:15] What an absolutely exhausting f-in' chore.

[00:01:19] The struggle to do this leads to a lot of thoughts, like,

[00:01:23] I'm currently feeling that my husband is a lazy sack of garbage.

[00:01:27] Am I failing at my marriage vows?

[00:01:29] People say you have to love yourself before you can love other people,

[00:01:33] but I generally feel indifferent about myself.

[00:01:37] I don't want to be single.

[00:01:38] How do I feel more love for myself?

[00:01:41] Am I a bad person because I mostly think my goth daughter is kind of a shithead?

[00:01:45] Aren't I supposed to love her no matter what?

[00:01:49] Are there actually people who love everybody?

[00:01:51] Am I an a** because I don't?

[00:01:53] No, right?

[00:01:55] Let's back up, because we're off base here.

[00:01:58] Consider first that love comes in, like, a billion forms.

[00:02:02] The forms of love.

[00:02:04] Love is you listening to your aunt's boring story so that she has someone to talk at.

[00:02:09] It's a description of how you feel about curly fries,

[00:02:12] and it's even a place that sometimes you get to be in.

[00:02:15] This love place is a magical land where some special person for you becomes superhuman.

[00:02:22] They become amazingly cute, funny, and insightful to you,

[00:02:25] even though everybody else on the planet looks at your boyfriend and is like,

[00:02:29] that guy? Really?

[00:02:32] Being in this loving place is the most incredible feeling we'll ever feel,

[00:02:36] so we assume that this love, the feeling of love, is what's really important.

[00:02:41] We assume that the feeling of love is what makes society function and what will save the world.

[00:02:47] We assume that the feeling of love is what John Lennon was singing about.

[00:02:50] And maybe it was. I don't know. I didn't know the guy.

[00:02:53] But if it was what he was singing about, the dude was wrong.

[00:02:57] Feeling love feels nice, and it's great motivation,

[00:03:00] but it's not why love really matters.

[00:03:03] It's not why all you need is love.

[00:03:05] Your feelings of love aren't the love that keeps families together,

[00:03:09] that connects you with strangers and allows you to feel good about yourself.

[00:03:13] It's not the most important part of making this shit the earth more tolerable.

[00:03:18] That love, that indispensable, all-important,

[00:03:21] you-need-this-to-function-in-all-areas-of-life love,

[00:03:24] is love as an action.

[00:03:26] To sum it up with John Mayer lyrics,

[00:03:29] love ain't a thing, love is a verb.

[00:03:31] So the good news is,

[00:03:33] you don't actually have to feel any more love than you already do,

[00:03:36] which is nice, because you have zero control over that.

[00:03:39] And how can you possibly feel love for people like bigots,

[00:03:43] criminals, and Instagram influencers?

[00:03:45] The love you feel is, in the big picture, pretty irrelevant.

[00:03:50] The love you show is f***ing everything,

[00:03:53] and this applies to all areas of your life.

[00:03:57] Loving your family

[00:03:59] When you say,

[00:04:00] I love my spouse, brother, or grandma,

[00:04:02] you inevitably leave off two crucial words.

[00:04:05] Like, generally speaking,

[00:04:07] I love my wife.

[00:04:08] I very often have feelings of adoration, infatuation,

[00:04:11] appreciation, admiration, and joy

[00:04:13] that add up to love in her general direction.

[00:04:16] My most common feeling,

[00:04:18] if I have to sum it up,

[00:04:19] is definitely one of love.

[00:04:21] But not all the time.

[00:04:22] I don't feel love unconditionally,

[00:04:24] of course not.

[00:04:25] What are you, insane?

[00:04:26] Have you seen literally any married couple?

[00:04:29] We share an entire life together.

[00:04:31] Do you realize how much time that is?

[00:04:33] I'll give you a hint.

[00:04:34] It's all of it.

[00:04:35] All of the time.

[00:04:36] No matter what,

[00:04:38] with any two people who are together that much,

[00:04:41] there are 1000% going to be moments,

[00:04:44] even if they're rare,

[00:04:45] where our primary thought is,

[00:04:47] okay, go f*** yourself a little, my dear.

[00:04:50] We have millions of feelings a day,

[00:04:53] so by that nature,

[00:04:54] none of them can be unconditional.

[00:04:56] No love is perfect,

[00:04:58] and part of that imperfection

[00:05:00] is that sometimes we just don't feel the love

[00:05:02] we generally have,

[00:05:03] because there are a million things

[00:05:05] that can temporarily get in the way of that feeling.

[00:05:08] Sometimes the other person is f***ing annoying,

[00:05:11] and love feelings just aren't blasting through our brains.

[00:05:15] Sometimes you're really focused on this slice of pizza

[00:05:17] to the point where I love my husband

[00:05:20] isn't currently in your consciousness.

[00:05:22] Sometimes you experience a dip in dopamine,

[00:05:25] and your brain chemicals just aren't letting

[00:05:27] the love feeling in at the moment.

[00:05:29] I don't feel love for my wife all the time,

[00:05:31] because literally nobody feels love

[00:05:33] for literally anything all the time.

[00:05:35] This is fine,

[00:05:36] because that's not what the vows of marriage mean.

[00:05:40] I won't always feel love for her

[00:05:41] for richer or poorer,

[00:05:43] in sickness and in health.

[00:05:44] I won't feel love towards my wife

[00:05:46] till death do us part.

[00:05:48] That will mostly come,

[00:05:49] but sometimes go.

[00:05:51] But I will act with love towards her,

[00:05:53] regardless of how I feel in a given moment.

[00:05:56] Even if my internal feeling

[00:05:58] is the aforementioned

[00:05:59] go f*** yourself, my dear,

[00:06:01] I will show love every day.

[00:06:03] That is to say,

[00:06:04] that I will move heaven and earth

[00:06:06] to put her needs before my own

[00:06:08] as much as I can

[00:06:09] until one of us croaks.

[00:06:10] This is a crucial distinction to make.

[00:06:12] In all forms of love,

[00:06:14] this is what really matters.

[00:06:16] So no, in this way,

[00:06:18] you won't love your parents,

[00:06:19] your siblings,

[00:06:20] you won't even love your kids unconditionally.

[00:06:22] I mean, of course not.

[00:06:23] Have you met literally any 13-year-old?

[00:06:26] No one actually feels love for a 13-year-old.

[00:06:29] I'm not buying it.

[00:06:30] They remember the big picture of love

[00:06:32] they generally feel for them,

[00:06:33] and show them love

[00:06:34] with the hope in mind that one day

[00:06:36] they won't be so...

[00:06:37] like a 13-year-old.

[00:06:40] This applies to everyone you love.

[00:06:41] Regardless of how you feel right now

[00:06:44] towards someone you love,

[00:06:45] you must show them love at all times,

[00:06:48] to always act with their best interest in mind,

[00:06:51] and act with care and grace for them.

[00:06:53] If you do this,

[00:06:54] you're doing your job,

[00:06:56] and you're putting the love

[00:06:57] into the world that it needs,

[00:06:59] even if at this moment,

[00:07:00] your kid is a p*** addicted f***.

[00:07:03] To be continued.

[00:07:08] You just listened to part one

[00:07:10] of the post titled

[00:07:11] Love Is Not A Thing

[00:07:13] by Will Penny

[00:07:14] of BeBetterStupid.com

[00:07:17] And thank you to Will

[00:07:18] for the start of an insightful

[00:07:20] and light-hearted post.

[00:07:22] I am looking forward to sharing

[00:07:23] the rest of his article

[00:07:24] with you tomorrow

[00:07:25] and offering some thoughts afterwards,

[00:07:27] so be sure not to miss out.

[00:07:28] I will talk to you guys then

[00:07:30] where your optimal life awaits.

[00:07:32] Thanks.