2347: How To Communicate Your Needs (Without Feeling Needy) by Irene Elias of Self Love Junkie on Communication Advice

[00:00:00] This is Optimal Relationships Daily, How To Communicate Your Needs Without Feeling Needy by Irene Elias of SelfLoveJunkie.com

[00:00:09] Hello everybody and welcome back to another episode of ORD. I am Greg Audino hosting the podcast that covers the many types of relationships in your life with another wonderful episode on tap for you today.

[00:00:21] Today's question, do you feel heard in your relationship? Is your partner communicating in a way you'd like him or her to?

[00:00:29] Let's have a closer look on how to effectively communicate with your partner in your relationship and start optimizing your life.

[00:00:40] How To Communicate Your Needs Without Feeling Needy by Irene Elias of SelfLoveJunkie.com

[00:00:48] When it comes to communicating with our partner, we often communicate in a way where we expect them to answer and listen like our girlfriends.

[00:00:55] But this is not how men are built. Men and women process things differently, and therefore their communication style is different.

[00:01:03] Women are more feelers and can often be very emotional in their communication, and men have been trained early on to be men, hide their emotions, and love to problem solve.

[00:01:13] This polarity can create problems. Men don't necessarily understand why we need to talk about it so much and give them every teeny-weeny detail of how our day went, and they don't want to deal with the drama.

[00:01:26] And women can't understand why communicating has to be so hard.

[00:01:29] Everybody in this world, to some extent, feels invisible, not heard, and not understood.

[00:01:35] And on a deeper level, we all crave to be seen, heard, and understood.

[00:01:40] Feeling understood allows us to connect and to feel deeper love.

[00:01:43] The more your partner feels a connection with you, the more they are going to want to help you.

[00:01:48] How you communicate will determine how he'll respond to you.

[00:01:52] And I've definitely learned the hard way.

[00:01:54] Communication is definitely a skill, and a skill that everybody can learn to practice and build over time.

[00:02:00] Let's say that you're upset with your man because he's not meeting your needs, or he's not communicating the way you'd like him to.

[00:02:06] You just want to be able to communicate with him without arguing and to be heard.

[00:02:10] The first thing you need to do is be honest with yourself and to your partner with how you're feeling.

[00:02:16] This is something many of us are afraid to do because we're afraid that it will start something if you do express how you truly feel and you just want to keep the peace.

[00:02:25] I had this one woman who would get anxiety whenever she wanted to communicate with her boyfriend

[00:02:30] because he would get defensive and back away and would always lead to fights.

[00:02:34] And so she would just bottle up her feelings.

[00:02:37] If you're afraid to have that conversation because he doesn't like to communicate,

[00:02:41] well, he's not emotionally mature or grown up.

[00:02:44] Simple as that.

[00:02:45] Being relationship ready is a two-way street.

[00:02:48] No one gets a free pass on this.

[00:02:50] The issue with bottling up your feelings is, sooner or later, you're not going to stay in the silence anymore,

[00:02:56] and your feelings are going to come out not the way you'd hoped.

[00:02:59] And then we end up trying to express our feelings, but instead what comes out is we complain, belittle, criticize, and create drama.

[00:03:07] And so our husbands, boyfriends, or lovers are unprepared to deal with our reaction, so they shut down.

[00:03:14] And if your man is shutting down during discussions, I can tell you he's becoming overwhelmed with emotion and needs to process it.

[00:03:21] Men are also emotional creatures, and they've got an emotional set point where they go into their man cave to process.

[00:03:28] The problem isn't that they can't handle our feelings.

[00:03:31] They can.

[00:03:32] And they want to know what's going on inside us because the right guy wants you to be happy and be able to make you happy.

[00:03:38] He's only trying to help the way he knows how.

[00:03:40] It all boils down to how you're articulating your feelings in a way where he can really hear you and you're not putting him down.

[00:03:48] Having said that, you also need to know if you're looking for a solution to your problem or you just want to be heard.

[00:03:54] Most men are solution-oriented, whereas most women tend to communicate both problems and frustrations.

[00:04:00] So get clear first whether or not you would like a solution to your problem.

[00:04:04] I would find myself getting frustrated when my man would try to solve rather than empathize with me.

[00:04:10] So if there is something where I don't need a solution, I usually say something like,

[00:04:15] Baby, I'm not looking for you to fix anything. I would love for you to just listen.

[00:04:20] And he gets the picture and tries to just listen, which is difficult for a man.

[00:04:24] So how can you communicate with your partner without feeling needy and be heard in a way that he'll fulfill your needs?

[00:04:31] Here are three things to remember when communicating your feelings to your man.

[00:04:36] 1. Express yourself in a way where it's simply sharing how you feel, not trying to control his behavior.

[00:04:43] You'll experience a totally different version of how he responds to you when you communicate what you feel,

[00:04:49] what you want and don't want, and then allow him to decide what he wants to do about it.

[00:04:54] For example, I feel or I am most happy when.

[00:04:58] And if it's something that you need, I want help around the house.

[00:05:02] I want time alone to recharge.

[00:05:05] I want more affection.

[00:05:07] Or if it's something you don't want, I don't want.

[00:05:10] This will get him to listen to you and discover how to please you without feeling like he's controlled.

[00:05:16] 2. Don't point the finger

[00:05:19] One of the common mistakes we make when expressing our feelings is we point the finger at our partner and judge, complain, or criticize them for what they did, didn't do, or not doing.

[00:05:29] We unintentionally attack instead of express how we're feeling.

[00:05:33] This makes him feel like he's not good enough and puts up his defenses.

[00:05:37] Expressing your feelings is different from stating how disappointed you are in him, which basically makes him feel like, and more than likely not end up meeting your needs.

[00:05:47] 3. Ask for his opinion

[00:05:50] Once you've expressed yourself, it's time to ask for his opinion.

[00:05:53] Ask him, what do you think? Or, what do you think we should do?

[00:05:58] Now he's in familiar territory. Thinking and problem solving is masculine energy.

[00:06:03] And the fact that you've asked him what he thinks will make him feel empowered and inspired to be your hero.

[00:06:09] He's feeling receptive and doesn't have a wall up because you haven't nagged or criticized him and will do his best to meet your needs.

[00:06:16] At the end of the day, your partner is a reflection of everything you need to heal and work on and will be the most emotionally driven.

[00:06:23] In a perfect world, when communicating, keep in mind these four words.

[00:06:29] Compromise, grace, empathy, and unconditional love.

[00:06:34] Having said all of this, what I've discovered in my own spiritual studies and personal life is to not find a person who can meet all or most of your needs, but to experience yourself in a complete whole way.

[00:06:47] Meaning, it's about how we must really get to know and bring out the best of ourselves and in turn, seek out the best in others.

[00:06:55] It's not really about the other, it's all about you.

[00:06:58] It's getting to know who am I in this moment of wanting this need met.

[00:07:02] And in the process of deciding who am I and choose to be, you can decide to become the highest good for you.

[00:07:09] Because becoming the highest good for you becomes the highest good for another.

[00:07:13] I would re-listen to that again.

[00:07:15] And please, don't feel guilty for having needs.

[00:07:18] You're human and we all have them.

[00:07:20] However, what if you looked at your needs with a different perspective?

[00:07:24] That in the process of wanting to get your needs met, you're choosing to get to know yourself on a deeper level,

[00:07:30] and then expressing yourself in a much bigger way, where in turn, we'll help one another become better.

[00:07:40] You just listened to the post titled, How to Communicate Your Needs Without Feeling Needy, by Irene Elias of SelfLoveJunkie.com.

[00:07:49] And yet another wonderful read from Irene today.

[00:07:52] We talk a lot on here about effective communication, right?

[00:07:55] It's really the cornerstone of any relationship.

[00:07:57] What I love that Irene does is that she points out one of the many necessary truths to remember that enables that communication to be successful.

[00:08:07] And that is the fact that men and women are biologically different.

[00:08:11] And generally speaking, process communication differently.

[00:08:14] It's really important to remember how our genetics at least cause us to lean certain ways when it comes to communicating.

[00:08:21] And I'm really glad Irene was here to help us with that today.

[00:08:25] We are done for now though, guys.

[00:08:27] Have a great rest of your day, and I will see you tomorrow where your optimal life awaits.