2349: Can Your Computer Play Cupid? by Dr. Jana Rosewarne with Luvze on Modern Dating Advice

[00:00:00] Now before we start, you might want to check out our other podcasts covering topics like personal development and minimalism, money, health, relationships, and more. So to optimize your life in other areas, just search for Optimal Living Daily in your podcast app. Now on to the show.

[00:00:17] This is Optimal Relationships Daily, Can Your Computer Play Cupid by Dr. Jana Rosewarne with Luvze.com

[00:00:27] Hello, everybody, and welcome to ORD, the show where I narrate content to help you improve your relationships. Although that is really up to you, isn't it? You're the one changing them, not me.

[00:00:37] I am your host, Greg Audino. As you know, there are many different types of relationships, so tune in for episodes on dating, friendships, self-worth, and more.

[00:00:48] Online dating, however, is not something that we discuss much. In today's post, Dr. Rosewarne shares her thoughts on dating websites and a bit of research. It's very exciting. We're going to get right into it and start optimizing your life.

[00:01:05] Can Your Computer Play Cupid by Dr. Jana Rosewarne with Luvze.com

[00:01:13] Plenty of Fish, Match.com, OkCupid, eHarmony. These are just a handful of dating websites that offer users the opportunity to seek out romantic partners and, if lucky, develop a fulfilling, committed relationship.

[00:01:27] Such dating sites promise access to a large selection of potential partners, the ability to communicate virtually with other users prior to meeting face-to-face, and, allegedly, rigorous matching with compatible potential partners.

[00:01:42] It is unclear, however, whether meeting partners online yields more positive romantic outcomes than do more traditional avenues. For example, meeting a relationship partner through friends or, by chance, encounter.

[00:01:56] Should you leave it to your computer to play matchmaker, or are you better to stay offline and wait for Cupid's arrow to strike?

[00:02:04] Psychological scientists critically examined research concerning online dating to address these very questions.

[00:02:09] Here's what they say about the services online dating has to offer.

[00:02:14] Access.

[00:02:16] Online dating increases users' exposure to potential romantic partners with whom they may be otherwise unlikely to meet.

[00:02:23] Online dating has several advantages when it comes to finding a potential romantic partner.

[00:02:28] For starters, the computer-mediated interface removes some of the anxiety of having to approach a stranger face-to-face.

[00:02:34] And, in contrast to conventional offline dating, online dating resolves the uncertainty regarding the romantic availability of a given potential partner.

[00:02:44] That is, it is assumed that dating site users are looking to become romantically involved, whereas it is initially less clear if an individual you meet offline is available and interested in dating.

[00:02:56] Unfortunately, as we've discussed previously, access to a multitude of potential partners is not as good for relationships as it would seem.

[00:03:05] Many online daters feel overwhelmed with choice overload.

[00:03:09] Further, people tend to prioritize different qualities when engaging in joint evaluation, comparing many choices simultaneously, such as when browsing online dating profiles, than when considering items one by one.

[00:03:22] Thus, during the browsing process, people frequently focus on attributes that are easy to see, like physical appearance details, which won't actually make them happy in the long term.

[00:03:33] In short, the main advantage of online dating, extensive and convenient access to other individuals who are presumably motivated to establish a romantic relationship, is also its downfall.

[00:03:45] The nature of online dating promotes a rapid evaluation mindset that may blind people to what is truly important in a real relationship.

[00:03:55] Fortunately, many dating sites address this downfall by allowing users to communicate online, for example instant chat sending messages, to learn more about specific potential partners.

[00:04:06] Communication

[00:04:08] Online dating is unique in that users may communicate prior to meeting, even to the point of developing feelings for each other before a face-to-face interaction takes place.

[00:04:18] Might this preliminary virtual getting-to-know-you process aid in relationship formation?

[00:04:23] Perhaps.

[00:04:24] Brief periods of computer-mediated communication that occur before a face-to-face interaction appear to improve people's impressions of one another.

[00:04:32] Computer-mediated communication encourages the formation of positive impressions between message senders, giving their connection a head start that paves the way for a positive in-person meeting when it does occur.

[00:04:45] Still, if the gap between communicating and meeting up is too long, for example six weeks in one study, the benefits disappear, perhaps because the in-person reality doesn't live up to people's idealistic visions.

[00:04:59] But although virtual communication can foster liking by allowing users to assess compatibility and engage in intimate self-disclosure, it cannot, and does not, take the place of face-to-face interaction.

[00:05:12] Given that there is a potential mismatch for presentations online and in real life, it's important to meet in person to verify physical characteristics as well as experiential attributes, such as rapport and gut-level evaluations, that inform our impression of someone's suitability as a romantic partner.

[00:05:31] Luckily, the next, and perhaps most valued feature of online dating aims to ensure that the in-person experience doesn't stray far from our expectations and desires.

[00:05:42] Matching.

[00:05:44] Many dating sites use mathematical algorithms to select potential partners, matches, for users with whom the user will be particularly likely to experience a positive romantic outcome.

[00:05:54] The matching process has some merit in it that it eliminates from the dating pool those who may be poor relationship prospects in general, for example, someone with a neurotic personality or a substance abuser, or highly incompatible matches who would be unlikely to date online or offline, for example, people with very different educational backgrounds.

[00:06:14] The problem with internet matchmaking lies in the fact that it focuses solely on qualities of individuals that can be known prior to a face-to-face encounter, for example, responses to questionnaires.

[00:06:26] This approach is flawed when it comes to predicting the success of real relationships, as some of the best established predictors of how a romantic relationship will unfold, and if it will last, can be known only after the relationship begins.

[00:06:39] Matching algorithms assume that individual qualities of two people, such as personality and interests, highly predict romantic outcomes.

[00:06:48] On the contrary, research suggests that how partners interact may be more important than the person-specific and surface-level similarities that dating sites tend to emphasize.

[00:07:00] Furthermore, the predictors of what makes for a successful first meeting are likely to be different from or less important than those factors that facilitate the growth of a long-term relationship.

[00:07:11] For example, shared likes and attributes, which are easily assessed through matching, may carry great weight in determining initial likability.

[00:07:20] However, they are perhaps less influential in the long run for determining whether two individuals will develop a satisfying, lasting relationship.

[00:07:28] Basically, matching algorithms are limited because, one, they can't predict how two people will interact, and two, they often fail to capture aspects most impactful for building a committed relationship.

[00:07:41] The bottom line.

[00:07:43] If you decide to give online dating a try, be sure to follow these science-supported tips.

[00:07:48] 1. Evaluate potential partners completely, and one at a time, to best determine those who are well-matched on dimensions significant to you.

[00:07:58] 2. Communicate with a potential partner not long before meeting offline to increase feelings of intimacy and attraction, which may enhance the subsequent in-person encounter.

[00:08:08] 3. Take your matches with a grain of salt.

[00:08:12] Online dating sites have published no research that adequately supports the claim that their algorithms generate more compatible matches than does traditional dating.

[00:08:21] Truly, the best judge of compatibility is how well individuals interact and feel around each other.

[00:08:27] So, instead of spending the day surfing profiles, start surfing for some new places to go and things to do in person with your potential new date.

[00:08:40] You just listened to the post titled,

[00:08:42] Can Your Computer Play Cupid?

[00:08:44] By Dr. Jenna Rosewarne with loves.com

[00:08:47] And thanks so much to Dr. Rosewarne.

[00:08:50] A lot of really interesting perspectives in today's post.

[00:08:53] Online dating is, of course, simpler.

[00:08:55] It makes us feel more empowered and just downright fashionable.

[00:08:59] But the effects it has on how we assess potential partners, both on and offline, is worth paying attention to.

[00:09:06] It's really, really nice to have heard some research on the topic today.

[00:09:10] And it is my hope that you'll keep all of that in mind next time you get to swiping.

[00:09:14] That takes us to the end though, folks.

[00:09:16] Thank you so much for listening.

[00:09:17] And I will see you again tomorrow where your optimal life awaits.