2356: Does Marriage Always Have To Be The End Goal? by Evan Marc Katz on Dating Advice & Modern Relationships

[00:00:00] [SPEAKER_01]: Now before we start, you might want to check out our other podcasts covering topics like personal development and minimalism, money, health, relationships, and more. So to optimize your life in other areas, just search for Optimal Living Daily in your podcast app. Now on to the show.

[00:00:18] [SPEAKER_00]: This is Optimal Relationships Daily. Does Marriage Always Have To Be The End Goal? by Evan Marc Katz of EvanMarcKatz.com

[00:00:28] [SPEAKER_00]: Quote,

[00:00:29] [SPEAKER_00]: Hi Evan, long time reader, first time writer. I feel like a lot of your advice and posts revolve around a central concept that marriage is the end line, the goal, the thing that everyone wants as a goal to long term dating. But what if it isn't?

[00:00:44] [SPEAKER_00]: My boyfriend and I have been together for 10 months. It's going fabulously and both of us have pretty much decided that we don't believe in the institution of marriage.

[00:00:52] [SPEAKER_00]: Neither of us wants kids, which makes this conversation a bit easier than couples who do want kids, granted. But we do believe in the value of having a long term partner slash teammate slash lover in life.

[00:01:03] [SPEAKER_00]: This view jibes with our way of thinking. We're both independent and putting something on paper and tying things up legally like that makes us both think that that something, that special spark we have will make it wither up and die.

[00:01:17] [SPEAKER_00]: So my question is, is there room in your community for a view of love like this? And why does everything you say always have marriage in big bold letters as the metric to success?

[00:01:28] [SPEAKER_00]: I enjoy your writing and your insights and humor so much. But I feel like this is an area where we don't jibe. And it frankly kind of alienates me from a lot of what you say, as this is not my own end goal.

[00:01:40] [SPEAKER_00]: Having lasting love? Yes. But why is the ring slash paper so important? How slash why is that proof? I don't think it is. I'm wondering if you have other readers that might feel the same way as I do.

[00:01:54] [SPEAKER_00]: That is, the whole end goal equals marriage thing seems a bit too, I don't know, conservative, unimaginative enough for a modern era.

[00:02:04] [SPEAKER_00]: Thanks for your thoughts on this, Joanne. End quote.

[00:02:08] [SPEAKER_00]: Dear Joanne, I recently wrote a post about a woman who was formerly against marriage after a painful divorce, who changed her mind when she fell in love with a new boyfriend, who was still against marriage.

[00:02:19] [SPEAKER_00]: I outlined a few of my thoughts there and encourage you to read it. But your question is a good one, because it gets to the heart of what frustrates me about writing a blog that is probably going to reach 10 million readers this year.

[00:02:31] [SPEAKER_00]: No matter what I say, no matter how spot on, no matter how many people agree with my worldview, there's always going to be someone who disagrees.

[00:02:40] [SPEAKER_00]: And not only disagrees, but feels personally indicted that a public figure is publicly disagreeing.

[00:02:47] [SPEAKER_00]: Understandably, nobody wants to have his or her worldview taken away, challenged, or questioned.

[00:02:53] [SPEAKER_00]: My answer to those semi-frequent loud dissenters is usually the same.

[00:02:57] [SPEAKER_00]: If my advice doesn't work for you, then you can ignore it. Really, I don't take it personally.

[00:03:02] [SPEAKER_00]: I have had men argue with me, explaining why it was entirely appropriate to bring flowers on every first date, even when most women were creeped out.

[00:03:11] [SPEAKER_00]: I've had women argue with me, explaining why men should give up pornography, even though most men use pornography.

[00:03:17] [SPEAKER_00]: I've had women argue with me, explaining why men should never go out with them or sleep with them unless they are emotionally healthy, relationship-oriented, and positive they want to get married,

[00:03:27] [SPEAKER_00]: even though most men don't qualify on all three accounts.

[00:03:31] [SPEAKER_00]: In every instance, the dissenter is telling me that his or her worldview is right, and that those who disagree with him or her are wrong,

[00:03:38] [SPEAKER_00]: and that the world should change to better cater to his or her point of view.

[00:03:43] [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, sorry, but that's not how it works. I'm a realist, a pragmatist, a big data guy.

[00:03:48] [SPEAKER_00]: So if you want to hold out for a man who doesn't believe in premarital s**t, that's fine.

[00:03:53] [SPEAKER_00]: Just know you're dealing with 3% of the population.

[00:03:57] [SPEAKER_00]: If you want to hold out for a man who's over 6 feet tall, because height is that important to you, you're dealing with 15% of the population.

[00:04:05] [SPEAKER_00]: If you want to hold out for a man who has an advanced degree, you're dealing with 7% of the population.

[00:04:11] [SPEAKER_00]: My advice is always going to be the same. Lasting love is hard to find.

[00:04:15] [SPEAKER_00]: If you can find room for compromise, you can have an amazing relationship.

[00:04:19] [SPEAKER_00]: But if you want the 6 foot tall guy who also has an advanced degree and also is cool with not having s**t until marriage,

[00:04:27] [SPEAKER_00]: you may have a harder time dating. There's no judgment there, just an observation.

[00:04:31] [SPEAKER_00]: And so it goes for you, Joanne. I could not care less whether you get married one day.

[00:04:37] [SPEAKER_00]: The same way I don't care who has premarital s**t, watches s**t, or cheats on their spouses.

[00:04:42] [SPEAKER_00]: All I want is for readers to know how their own preferences restrict their own relationship choices.

[00:04:48] [SPEAKER_00]: So am I happily married? Yes. Am I pro-marriage? I suppose so.

[00:04:53] [SPEAKER_00]: Am I judgmental of those who don't want to get married? Not really.

[00:04:57] [SPEAKER_00]: I don't fully understand what you're rebelling against, but hey, it's a free country, do whatever you like.

[00:05:02] [SPEAKER_00]: Literally the only reason I talk about marriage as the endgame for most people is that, in fact,

[00:05:07] [SPEAKER_00]: marriage is the endgame for most people. That's not my bias, those are the facts.

[00:05:11] [SPEAKER_00]: 80% get married by 40 and 95% get married by the age of 55.

[00:05:16] [SPEAKER_00]: And no one is pointing a gun to their head.

[00:05:18] [SPEAKER_00]: While views on marriage are changing, younger generations view it as less important,

[00:05:23] [SPEAKER_00]: it is far from obsolete, and you will find more marriage-oriented men on the market

[00:05:27] [SPEAKER_00]: than 50-year-old relationship without a ringman.

[00:05:30] [SPEAKER_00]: However, if you found one, and you're happy with your choice, I sincerely wish you all the best.

[00:05:39] [SPEAKER_00]: You just listened to the post titled,

[00:05:41] [SPEAKER_00]: Does Marriage Always Have to Be the End Goal?

[00:05:44] [SPEAKER_00]: by Evan Mark Katz of EvanMarkKatz.com

[00:05:48] [SPEAKER_00]: So as Mark said, everyone, he tries to speak to what the majority is interested in,

[00:05:53] [SPEAKER_00]: removing his personal preferences from it.

[00:05:55] [SPEAKER_00]: And for those who have different ideas or preferences,

[00:05:58] [SPEAKER_00]: you are of course entitled to your feelings,

[00:06:01] [SPEAKER_00]: but you will inevitably run into more people that disagree with you than agree.

[00:06:04] [SPEAKER_00]: It comes with the territory.

[00:06:07] [SPEAKER_00]: Understanding this from the get-go is important,

[00:06:09] [SPEAKER_00]: as you can either try to argue, protest, or inflict your opinions upon others,

[00:06:14] [SPEAKER_00]: or you can see it as an opportunity to practice living in harmony with those who feel differently

[00:06:19] [SPEAKER_00]: and be open to their ideas as you'd like them to be open to yours.

[00:06:24] [SPEAKER_00]: See what I'm saying?

[00:06:25] [SPEAKER_00]: I think that's a good note to end on.

[00:06:27] [SPEAKER_00]: So with that, I will see you tomorrow as we move towards the end of the week

[00:06:30] [SPEAKER_00]: and start focusing more on parenting specifically,

[00:06:33] [SPEAKER_00]: where your optimal life awaits.