2365: Three (Better) Ways to Share the Housework AND Breakfast, Dinner, Bedtime: Mastering The Mindful Transition by Julie Morgenstern

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[00:00:27] This is Optimal Relationships Daily. Three Better Ways to Share the Housework by Julie Morgenstern of juliemorgenstern.com

[00:00:38] It never ceases to astound how the duties of running a household are, by and large, considered a mother's domain. Now often referred to as emotional labor, this burden is getting a lot more attention these days.

[00:00:51] You've heard it all before, how a mom, regardless of whether or not she works outside the home, is primarily responsible for a family's logistics. Carpooling, meal planning, childcare, registering kids for activities, making doctor's appointments, signing field trip forms, knowing when a kid needs new shoes and underwear, buying birthday party gifts, ensuring school uniforms are washed, the list goes on and on.

[00:01:19] It's a huge burden on women, gobbling up hours a week that could be devoted to something else. Work, or exercise, or a hobby, or sleep.

[00:01:29] It also makes it hard for her to be emotionally available and present, and that's not good for anyone.

[00:01:36] Most of the debate around emotional labor has hinged on the idea that women are doing too much, and that men should pitch in more. Fair enough, and I agree.

[00:01:45] But I think this misses an essential point. Running household logistics govern a family's time, space, and schedule.

[00:01:53] It's a communal benefit and should be treated as a communal responsibility. Not just mom or dad. Everyone should have a role. Kids too.

[00:02:02] For all the griping we do about the tedium of all these little decisions, running a house is a highly complex task.

[00:02:09] Keeping one person organized is hard enough. Add the complexity of three or four or five other people to the mix, for whom you must coordinate schedules and preferences, not to mention personalities, and it's a gigantic task that no one should be expected to do on her own.

[00:02:26] This stuff isn't mundane either. An organized or disorganized home life can fuel or inhibit each family member's ability to achieve their goals.

[00:02:35] If you're the person currently in charge at home, you know all this. But how do you get everyone else on board?

[00:02:42] Here are a few ideas to shift people's mindset and the overall balance.

[00:02:47] First, start with the dinner dishes. Seriously, commit to doing the dishes with your spouse or partner every night.

[00:02:56] Single parents, enlist your kids. Sharing this one simple daily chore is a gateway to sharing the burden of more complex responsibilities.

[00:03:06] You'll be spending dedicated time together every day, bonding over a shared meal and shared responsibility to clean up.

[00:03:14] Second, give everyone a job. A responsibility that is theirs and theirs alone.

[00:03:20] Even your preschooler can take on an age-appropriate task. Be clear on the what, the how, as in this is what good looks like, and the when, as in this is when said task will be completed.

[00:03:32] Everyone enters into the agreement with the same ground rules and expectations. There is no nagging, no reminding.

[00:03:39] The family member who commits to the job does it. And moms and dads trust it will be done.

[00:03:44] Third, hold people accountable. This is where so many parents, and mothers in particular, get off track.

[00:03:52] Their tweens fail to clear the breakfast table, so they clear it themselves.

[00:03:57] Someone oversleeps and skips taking out the garbage, so they lug the trash cans to the curb themselves.

[00:04:03] No, the agreements are null and void if that happens. If someone skips out or fails to call in a favor in advance of the deadline, it doesn't get done, and the whole family suffers the consequences.

[00:04:14] Forgot to take out the garbage? Bummer. But the garbage will just smell terrible.

[00:04:18] We have to stop seeing the enormous effort required to keep a family organized as a zero-sum game, where one family member does all the work and everyone else reaps the rewards.

[00:04:29] This is about so much more than doing the d*** dishes. It's about families taking care of each other by honoring your shared space, time, and goals.

[00:04:42] Breakfast, dinner, bedtime. Mastering the mindful transition. By Julie Morgenstern of juliemorgenstern.com

[00:04:53] Ever lose your temper with your kids within the first five or ten minutes of walking in the door?

[00:04:58] I hear this from clients all the time. I've had a long day and just need a little space before I can handle the onslaught.

[00:05:06] Switching gears between work and home, fast-paced adult world, and a kid's dawdling pace is one of the biggest challenges parents face.

[00:05:15] It's hard to bounce between the office and the living room, managing adult responsibilities and refereeing sibling disagreements,

[00:05:22] trying to maintain an adult relationship with your spouse while addressing your child's needs.

[00:05:28] Trouble happens when you fail to fully transition from one task to the next.

[00:05:32] Your body is in motion, but your mind is lagging behind.

[00:05:36] If you constantly say things like,

[00:05:38] I'll be done in a minute, or I just need to send this one email,

[00:05:42] you're not giving the people in front of you your full attention, and they can tell.

[00:05:46] It's inviting a conflict.

[00:05:48] The solution is to be more mindful about preparing for each transition.

[00:05:53] Before you walk in the door, ask yourself,

[00:05:55] What is my intention?

[00:05:57] Is it to be present for your kids and partner?

[00:06:00] To make your family laugh?

[00:06:02] To help everyone prepare for the day ahead?

[00:06:04] What is it for you?

[00:06:06] Here are a few other ideas to make transitions more mindful.

[00:06:10] 1. Avoid just one more thing syndrome

[00:06:14] It's tempting to jam in one more thing before you can run out the door.

[00:06:19] But that makes departures, which can already be stressful, even more of a mad dash.

[00:06:24] Replace the impulse with a transition ritual, which may be as simple as counting to ten or taking four deep breaths.

[00:06:32] Transitions are easier for everyone when you allow time for them to happen.

[00:06:36] 2. Make a roadmap for the evening

[00:06:39] The evening hustle, from the minute adults and kids arrive home all the way through bedtime, includes many of the most stressful transitions of the day.

[00:06:49] Lots has to happen for families in those early evening hours.

[00:06:53] Dinner, homework, packing lunches, baths, bedtime routines, etc.

[00:06:59] Parents get into trouble when they don't have a game plan for who's in charge of what.

[00:07:03] Try a five-minute call towards the end of the day, before everyone gets home, when moms and dads decide who will lead what task.

[00:07:11] Cooking dinner, cleaning up, reading books, etc.

[00:07:15] If you project certainty about how the evening should flow, your kids are more likely to follow.

[00:07:22] 3. Be realistic about how long a transition takes

[00:07:26] Most people underestimate how long transitions really take.

[00:07:31] Identify the transitions that cause you the biggest headaches.

[00:07:34] Getting out the door is a common one.

[00:07:36] And then deconstruct how long it actually takes by using a stopwatch.

[00:07:41] You may think 40 minutes, but if it's 47 minutes, that's the difference between being on time and being late.

[00:07:46] Once you know the true length of the transition time, identify any mechanics that can reasonably be done in advance, e.g. prepping the coffee pot, making lunches, etc.

[00:07:59] Removing logistics from the list of things you have to think about will make it easier to focus on the mental part of switching gears.

[00:08:09] You just listened to the post titled, Three Better Ways to Share the Housework and Breakfast Dinner Bedtime, Mastering the Mindful Transition.

[00:08:19] Both by Julie Morgenstern of juliemorgenstern.com

[00:08:25] And thank you so much to Julie for not one, but two inspiring posts today.

[00:08:30] Of course, the common ground today is simply adding efficiency to parenting, which really can't be stressed enough.

[00:08:36] As Julie illustrated in her first article in particular, sometimes we feel like we don't have time to sit down and schedule our family tasks and delegate and calculate transitions.

[00:08:47] It can often feel like the last thing we want to do after work or have time to do.

[00:08:52] But when we reframe this to think about the long-term benefits, both for the immediate family now and for the lessons the kids are learning that will invariably help them become better contributing members of society in the future,

[00:09:06] well then the return on investment is extremely high.

[00:09:09] Friends, thank you for joining me today.

[00:09:11] That brings us to the end, and I hope you enjoyed yourselves as much as I did.

[00:09:15] I will see you again tomorrow where your optimal life awaits.