2369: Is it OK to Snoop in Your Partner's Email by Michelle of Love's A Game on Creating Trust in A Partnership

[00:00:00] This is Optimal Relationships Daily. Is it OK to Snoop in Your Partners Email by Michelle of Lovesagame.com

[00:00:10] Is checking your boyfriend or girlfriend's email OK? In a word, no. I would never give my boyfriend the password to my email address and he would never give me his. Is it because we don't trust each other? No. We value our privacy and respect each other's privacy.

[00:00:28] We trust each other completely. Why is sharing your passwords with your boyfriend or girlfriend not the smartest thing to do?

[00:00:36] A boyfriend innocently gives his girlfriend his password to his email so she can check something for him when he can't get on a computer to get online.

[00:00:44] He doesn't bother to change the password after and the girlfriend remembers her boyfriend's quirky password.

[00:00:50] Somewhere down the road, she gets a little suspicion that he may be flirting with another girl.

[00:00:55] So, what is the first thing she does? Checks his email, of course. She may even try out the password on some of his other online accounts. She may find nothing.

[00:01:04] But, ever since she first snooped, she begins to habitually check his email and becomes obsessive. Addicted, even.

[00:01:13] She knows it's wrong, but can't help but to use this to her advantage to keep an eye on her boyfriend.

[00:01:19] If her boyfriend found out, she'd feel ashamed and embarrassed. But, she can't help but feel tempted to check her boyfriend's email.

[00:01:28] And, in a way, she feels that as long as he doesn't know she's checking his email, it's okay.

[00:01:35] Should she really be in this relationship if she can't trust her boyfriend?

[00:01:38] This scenario happens all the time. Frank and I give long-distance relationship advice, both on and off our site.

[00:01:46] We've come across quite a few snoopers along the way.

[00:01:49] Most snoopers are good people that acquired their boyfriend's or girlfriend's password innocently.

[00:01:54] If your boyfriend ever gave you his password, might you not feel tempted to go back and read his emails?

[00:02:00] Even if you had no reason to feel suspicious?

[00:02:02] For most habitual snoopers, once they start, they can't stop.

[00:02:07] That is why I advise people to not share their passwords with anyone, not even a boyfriend or girlfriend.

[00:02:13] But, what if you are a snooper, and you stumbled across something that indicates your boyfriend wasn't truthful,

[00:02:20] or is talking to someone he shouldn't be, or even cheating?

[00:02:23] We say, confront him or her.

[00:02:26] If you found evidence of his or her wrongdoings, let him or her know you know,

[00:02:31] rather than keeping silent to avoid admitting that you're a snoop.

[00:02:35] Your relationship has problems.

[00:02:37] You have no trust, and he or she is dishonest.

[00:02:39] Get everything out in the clear if you expect to salvage the relationship.

[00:02:43] You both did something wrong, and now is the chance to make things right and get things out in the open.

[00:02:50] Want to quit the snooping addiction?

[00:02:52] Even if you haven't dug up any dirt when you've snooped, you have to quit snooping.

[00:02:57] However, it can be hard to stop when you still know your boyfriend or girlfriend's password,

[00:03:02] especially if something comes up that gives you the urge.

[00:03:05] If you're snooping, you have trust issues, and now is a better time than never to work on learning how to trust again.

[00:03:12] As with any addictive behavior, the only way to begin to overcome the addiction is to remove the source of temptation.

[00:03:19] Nip this in the bud as early as possible.

[00:03:22] You have to let them know about your snooping so they can change their password to get rid of that temptation.

[00:03:28] As long as you know their password, you will always have that temptation there.

[00:03:33] If they had nothing to hide, they will either take it well, or they will be really upset that you didn't trust them.

[00:03:39] However, like you, they'll want you to be able to trust them, and will be more keen to working with you on your trust issues.

[00:03:46] Haven't snooped yet?

[00:03:48] If you haven't snooped and are listening to this because you are wondering if snooping is okay or justifiable, the answer is an obvious no.

[00:03:56] If you ever want to find something out, if you have those sneaking suspicions your boyfriend or girlfriend is up to no good,

[00:04:02] then the only right way to handle the situation is to simply ask.

[00:04:07] Snooping is a symptom of a relationship with poor communication and trust issues.

[00:04:12] When people come to us for long-distance relationship advice, their problem is always related to poor communication.

[00:04:19] Couples tend to avoid talking about their individual concerns because they are afraid of rocking the boat.

[00:04:24] They are scared to ask questions that haunt their thoughts like, are you cheating on me?

[00:04:28] They resort to snooping to find out the truth.

[00:04:31] But, how good is this evidence if you cannot use it against your partner because you do not want to let them know you are a snoop?

[00:04:38] The best thing you can do is bring up your issues, talk them out, ask the questions you want to ask.

[00:04:44] Your relationship will benefit from it more than you will benefit from being quiet and letting the problems eat away at your relationship without a word.

[00:04:56] You just listened to the post titled, Is it okay to snoop in your partner's email? By Michelle of lovesagame.com

[00:05:05] Thank you so much to Michelle, a guest writer on Eddie Corbano's lovesagame.com.

[00:05:10] This can definitely be a tough subject for couples to discuss as the infamous,

[00:05:16] if you're not doing anything wrong, why wouldn't you want me to look question comes up.

[00:05:20] I think Michelle really hits the nail on the head here.

[00:05:22] The act of snooping in itself is a sign of distrust, or even just uneasiness.

[00:05:28] Some may snoop just to assuage what they feel are irrational fears, and others do it just to keep an eye out, as Michelle suggested.

[00:05:35] What's important to realize for both the snooper and the snoopy is that the real issue is this lack of comfort between partners,

[00:05:44] not whether or not one partner is indeed being unfaithful or hiding something similar.

[00:05:49] Consider this underlying urge and have an ongoing dialogue about it, not just during times when snooping has actually occurred,

[00:05:56] because the urge won't go away simply by repeatedly finding nothing inappropriate.

[00:06:01] Speak more broadly about where these concerns come from, whether they may be justified based on past actions by the other partner or by something else,

[00:06:09] what they can do to reassure their partner, or if the snooper is indeed ready to be vulnerable and give themselves fully to the relationship.

[00:06:17] Questions like this are extremely progressive and give couples a chance to get to the bottom of bad behaviors,

[00:06:23] see where they come from without judgment, and proceed accordingly.

[00:06:26] Whether or not the relationship stays intact after doing this, it's certainly for the best, and to step in the right direction.

[00:06:33] And that wraps us up for today, my friends.

[00:06:35] I appreciate you taking time out of your day to join me, and I hope you'll do the same tomorrow,

[00:06:39] where I will be back with more great relationship content for you, and, of course, where your optimal life awaits.

[00:06:46] I'm going to tell you how close it is.

[00:06:46] That the name of I'm going to hear from God that I am going to be back with a lot of applause for you about,

[00:06:46] I don't know anything about it.

[00:06:46] The name I'm going to give a lot of applause for you.

[00:06:46] Thank you.