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Episode 2371:
Dr. Gary Lewandowski dives into the delicate balance between subtlety and success in flirting. While subtle flirtation may protect self-esteem, the research suggests that direct approaches are far more effective at communicating interest. By embracing clear signals, individuals can avoid misinterpretation and foster more genuine connections.
Read along with the original article(s) here: https://www.luvze.com/a-flirters-dilemma-subtlety-vs-success/
Quotes to ponder:
"Much like a tree falling in a forest, if a flirting attempt occurs and the intended receiver doesn’t realize it, did flirting ever really happen?"
"Direct methods are best. An ambiguous approach is less threatening, but ultimately not very effective."
"People aren’t going to do it in obvious ways because they don’t want to be embarrassed, flirting looks a lot like being friendly."
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[00:00:30] Now before we start, you might want to check out our other podcasts covering topics like personal development and minimalism, money, health, relationships, and more. So to optimize your life in other areas, just search for Optimal Living Daily in your podcast app. Now onto the show.
[00:00:48] This is Optimal Relationships Daily, A Flirters Dilemma, Subtlety vs. Success by Dr. Gary Lewandowski of Loves.com.
[00:00:59] Flirting comes in many forms. A casual gaze that lingers a half second longer than necessary, a light touch, an amorous expression, an overenthusiastic laugh during conversation, or even some playful banter. Regardless of the technique employed, flirting aims to fulfill one purpose, stimulate physical interest.
[00:01:19] To be clear, though, flirting may not have the explicit goal of having physical intimacy of any kind. A person may flirt simply to pass the time, to feel close, to see if they've still got it, or because it's fun.
[00:01:34] Flirting motivations differ by gender. Big surprise, men's flirting is more motivated by jumping into bed, while women's flirting is more motivated by having fun or becoming closer to another person.
[00:01:45] Self-esteem and flirting. When done well, flirting is not overt or obvious, and always leaves open the possibility that flirting wasn't occurring at all.
[00:01:56] This ambiguity allows people to put themselves out there with less fear of embarrassment, rejection, or damaged self-esteem.
[00:02:03] It isn't surprising that a person's self-esteem may affect how she or he approaches flirting.
[00:02:09] When the risk of being rejected is high, men with high self-esteem use more direct techniques than those with low self-esteem, perhaps because they're less concerned with how being shot down may affect them.
[00:02:21] However, men with low self-esteem are bolder, and use more obvious approaches than men with high self-esteem when the target is clearly interested and rejection risk is low.
[00:02:32] This may be because encountering a sure thing is one of the only contexts in which a guy with low self-esteem feels safe making advances, so he has to make it count.
[00:02:42] When rejection risk is low for women, they're more direct, regardless of their self-esteem.
[00:02:48] Women traditionally initiate relationships less often than men, so when the chance arises, perhaps women decide to throw caution to the wind and just go for it.
[00:02:57] Of course, it's also possible that women are using the technique that they know works better when men try to flirt with them.
[00:03:04] Subtle vs. Direct
[00:03:07] Much like a tree falling in a forest, if a flirting attempt occurs and the intended receiver doesn't realize it, did flirting ever really happen?
[00:03:16] When it comes to flirting technique, the research is pretty clear.
[00:03:19] While subtlety is more likely to protect the flirter's self-esteem, if you really want to get your message across, direct is best.
[00:03:27] A study asked college students about the most effective ways to show interest in someone.
[00:03:32] Both men and women agreed that subtle flirting was less likely to get the job done, and that the best approach would be a direct, do you want to go to dinner with me?
[00:03:41] A key benefit to direct flirting approaches, especially for the person on the receiving end, is that they are clear and easier to interpret.
[00:03:49] Protect your ego too carefully by maintaining complete deniability, and you run the risk of no one receiving your too subtle signals.
[00:03:58] Now you see it, or maybe you don't.
[00:04:00] To see how easy it is to accurately perceive flirting, researchers gave more than 100 heterosexual strangers the opportunity to interact for 10 minutes.
[00:04:10] Afterwards, each participant indicated whether they were flirting or not, and whether they thought their partner was flirting.
[00:04:17] Overall, almost a quarter of the participants flirted during their interaction.
[00:04:21] But participants accurately perceived that flirting only 28% of the time,
[00:04:26] while males more accurate at detecting female flirting, 36%,
[00:04:30] than females were at detecting male flirting, 18%.
[00:04:34] Those numbers are all fairly low.
[00:04:37] But people were much better at knowing when their partner was not flirting,
[00:04:41] accurately categorizing lack of flirting 84% of the time.
[00:04:45] Of course, this could be because most of the time participants weren't flirting,
[00:04:49] making it easier to correctly guess that a participant wasn't making eyes.
[00:04:53] Are outside observers any better at detecting flirting than participants are?
[00:04:58] Researchers had more than 250 people view one-minute video clips from the earlier interactions
[00:05:04] to see if they could accurately identify flirting in strangers.
[00:05:08] Observers who simply watched the interaction were even less accurate at identifying flirting than those who were actually involved.
[00:05:16] Once again, males were more accurate at recognizing when women flirted,
[00:05:20] but men generally tend to overestimate women's interest,
[00:05:24] giving them more of a chance to be correct when women actually were flirting.
[00:05:28] Across both studies, the ability to detect flirting was probably lower than any flirty person would like.
[00:05:34] But as lead researcher Jeffrey Hall explains,
[00:05:38] quote,
[00:05:52] End quote.
[00:06:15] You just listened to the post titled,
[00:06:20] A Flirter's Dilemma, Subtlety vs. Success,
[00:06:23] by Dr. Gary Lewandowski of loves.com.
[00:06:27] You heard it here, singles.
[00:06:29] Direct flirting is best.
[00:06:31] And not only does this research suggest that it's most effective,
[00:06:34] but it's hard to not think that it's the most liberating as well, right?
[00:06:38] You know, many of us spend so much of our lives, in and out of relationships,
[00:06:42] trying to withdraw a little bit or not show all of our cards for various reasons.
[00:06:47] But we know that this catches up with us,
[00:06:50] and we talk repeatedly across the whole network
[00:06:52] about how valuable and how much of an act of self-love it is
[00:06:57] to express oneself as freely as possible.
[00:07:00] It may be embarrassing, or there may be a fear of getting shut down,
[00:07:03] but doing this when pursuing a partner
[00:07:05] is a great way of letting them know who you are,
[00:07:08] saving time,
[00:07:09] and starting a potential relationship off with a dynamic of openness,
[00:07:13] which would be nice.
[00:07:14] So, good luck out there, flirters.
[00:07:16] You've got Gary Lewandowski with you.
[00:07:18] We are done here, though, everyone.
[00:07:20] Thanks a lot for joining and giving the singles some time today.
[00:07:23] Time to wrap up, but you know I'm here with you seven days a week.
[00:07:26] So, come on back tomorrow,
[00:07:27] where I will have more great relationship content waiting for you,
[00:07:31] and where your optimal life awaits.