2372: Should I Get Married Based Simply on the Desire to Be Married? by Evan Marc Katz on Marriage Advice & Dating

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[00:00:30] This is Optimal Relationships Daily Should I Get Married Based Simply on the Desire to Be Married by Evan Marc Katz of EvanMarcKatz.com

[00:00:42] Quote,

[00:00:43] My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year and a half. We are 33 and 35 and live in separate cities. We have never been a fireworks love story, but we love each other and enjoy each other's company.

[00:00:56] The time has come to take the next step, as we both want kids, a house and a future. It's just that we have been single for this long for a reason. I am overly critical and impatient, and he is overly sensitive and lacks emotional intelligence. We have fallen into the habit of this tit-for-tat bickering, and I'm starting to find him unattractive. He recently stayed at my house for three days, and we didn't have f*** once. I could barely bring myself to cuddle him. We got better,

[00:01:26] as time went on, and had a really enjoyable last day together, but I think we are kidding ourselves that this is a match made in heaven.

[00:01:34] What I'm asking, though, is can a couple who acknowledge they are not head over heels in love with each other build a life together and make each other happy?

[00:01:43] My parents divorced, and I am very scared of repeating my parents' mistakes and getting married for the wrong reasons.

[00:01:50] I guess, in this situation, we both acknowledge that we are not madly in love with each other and have a lot of personality flaws that we need to work on, but still want to build a life together.

[00:02:01] I just don't know if committing to this relationship will make either of us happy in the long run, but I also don't want to miss out on an opportunity that could make us blissfully happy.

[00:02:12] Nicola.

[00:02:13] End quote.

[00:02:15] I'd like to think that I'm pretty predictable as a writer, and by predictable I don't mean boring, but rather consistent.

[00:02:21] Even when some readers think I'm contradicting myself because they think in black and white rather than gray, I can usually find a thread that connects all of my advice logically.

[00:02:31] Which brings me to your question, Nicola.

[00:02:34] I have spent many years pounding the drum of kindness, commitment, and values over mind-boggling chemistry.

[00:02:40] I have spent many years defending my point of view from people who misinterpret it.

[00:02:45] And that's why I am so glad I can answer your question for you today.

[00:02:48] No, you should not get married based simply on the desire to be married with children.

[00:02:54] This is completely consistent with everything I've ever written, and is why it's so important to see the nuance in each individual situation.

[00:03:02] Allow me to elaborate.

[00:03:04] Quote,

[00:03:05] We have never been a fireworks love story, but we love each other and enjoy each other's company.

[00:03:11] End quote.

[00:03:12] This is okay.

[00:03:13] You don't need fireworks to have a great marriage, especially since those initial fireworks generally simmer down after two to three years.

[00:03:21] I would say you were on the right track, except for, well, the rest of your letter.

[00:03:27] Quote,

[00:03:52] End quote.

[00:03:56] While I want to give you kudos for your self-awareness, it's kind of obvious that you're not that self-aware at all.

[00:04:02] You are actually thinking of marrying a guy that you don't find attractive, don't feel affection for, and don't want to have sex with.

[00:04:09] Quote,

[00:04:10] I just don't know if committing to this relationship will make either of us happy in the long run,

[00:04:15] but I also don't want to miss out on an opportunity that could make us blissfully happy.

[00:04:20] End quote.

[00:04:20] Quote,

[00:04:21] Do you really think that this opportunity will make you blissfully happy, Nicola?

[00:04:25] It seems painfully obvious that, if anything, marriage will make you miserable.

[00:04:30] And that's our teaching moment for the day.

[00:04:32] Marriage and kids do not fix your relationship issues.

[00:04:36] It magnifies them.

[00:04:38] I have a few friends who marry due to some combination of timing.

[00:04:42] We're in our mid-30s.

[00:04:43] Fear.

[00:04:44] What if I let this go?

[00:04:45] I have to start over.

[00:04:47] And inertia.

[00:04:47] We've already spent three years together.

[00:04:50] None of these friends have happy marriages.

[00:04:53] In fact, their marriages are just like their relationships, but worse.

[00:04:57] My friend's wife, who is insecure and sensitive, is still really insecure and sensitive,

[00:05:02] except she now lives with my friend 24-7 and is bound to him by a contract.

[00:05:07] Another friend married a decent-looking, stable man with no discernible personality.

[00:05:11] You could tell on her wedding day that she wasn't enthusiastic,

[00:05:15] and seven years and two kids later, she's no happier with him, although she's glad she has kids.

[00:05:21] So, for all the talk from us relationship experts about what's important in a relationship,

[00:05:26] it's essential that we make a distinction here.

[00:05:28] When I say that you need to have a man who is consistent, kind, and commitment-oriented,

[00:05:34] a man who is a giver, a man who shares your same long-term goals and values,

[00:05:39] that is true.

[00:05:40] But that's not all there is to a relationship.

[00:05:43] You need to really like each other.

[00:05:46] You need to really get along with each other.

[00:05:48] You need to fight rarely.

[00:05:50] And when you do, get over it fast.

[00:05:52] And you do need to have some measure of a s*** connection.

[00:05:56] Because if you don't, your s*** life will come to a grinding halt the second you have kids.

[00:06:01] The reason I give the advice I give is because millions of women choose men who are not consistent,

[00:06:08] kind, selfless, and relationship-oriented.

[00:06:11] So, I have to remind them about what's really important.

[00:06:14] You can have what's really important, a nice marriageable man,

[00:06:18] but if you don't enjoy his company more than anyone in the world, he's not your husband.

[00:06:23] For all the people who've ever told me that I settled on my wife because we don't have a fireworks love story,

[00:06:29] you don't really get it.

[00:06:31] She's my favorite person in the world.

[00:06:33] We never fight.

[00:06:34] We laugh a lot.

[00:06:35] I trust her with my life.

[00:06:37] And we have a good s*** life.

[00:06:38] I know no happier couples.

[00:06:41] Anyone can have this.

[00:06:42] As long as you don't waste your time on selfish jerks,

[00:06:46] or, as in your case, Nicola,

[00:06:48] trying hard to fit a square peg in a round hole just because the time has come to take the next step.

[00:06:53] The time has come, my friend.

[00:06:56] Dump your guy and find one you want to marry.

[00:07:03] You just listened to the post titled,

[00:07:05] Should I Get Married Based Simply on the Desire to Be Married?

[00:07:09] by Evan Mark Katz of EvanMarkKatz.com

[00:07:14] And a great call by Evan on this one.

[00:07:16] It is important to realize that the idea of marriage and children is framed as something so beautiful

[00:07:21] from the second we're old enough to watch Disney movies.

[00:07:24] And while this is definitely true for some marriages,

[00:07:28] the real problem is that we become so fixed on the idea of marriage

[00:07:32] that we easily stand to value it more than the potential spouses in question.

[00:07:37] Okay?

[00:07:38] Marriage and the whole nine, it works when it's with the right person.

[00:07:42] And if it's not the right person, it does indeed get worse, as Evan suggests.

[00:07:47] For people in Nicola's shoes, I say learn to detach the old emotional story from marriage.

[00:07:53] Marriage and the whole nine, it's with the right person.

[00:07:54] Recognize value in your life with or without a partner.

[00:07:57] And let marriage be a supplement to something that's already wonderful.

[00:08:02] Thank you so much for joining me today.

[00:08:04] And I hope this post has given you all a chance to reflect on your relationships with your partner

[00:08:08] a little bit.

[00:08:09] We are done for now, but not for long.

[00:08:12] I will see you again tomorrow, where your optimal life awaits.