2375: Four Big Mistakes Parents Make When They Talk About Death by Shelby Forsythia on Parenthood & Emotional Health

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[00:00:30] Now before we start, you might want to check out our other podcasts covering topics like personal development and minimalism, money, health, relationships, and more. So to optimize your life in other areas, just search for Optimal Living Daily in your podcast app. Now onto the show.

[00:00:48] This is Optimal Relationships Daily, Four Big Mistakes Parents Make When They Talk About Death by Shelby Forsythia of ShelbyForsythia.com.

[00:00:59] Most children are exposed to the reality of death before they graduate elementary school. When a pet, relative, or friend of the family dies, it's an important opportunity to teach kids about one of life's biggest truths. Unfortunately, death is a topic where parents often fail to provide direct, honest information to their children. Here are four big mistakes parents make when they talk about death.

[00:01:24] Number one, they use euphemisms. Have you heard the story about the little boy whose grandmother died? His mother told him,

[00:01:33] Honey, it's okay. The angels just came and took her away. He said, I'm angry at the angels. Tell them to bring her back. And his poor mother, as we know, couldn't.

[00:01:42] Children take things very literally. They are not able to process euphemisms like adults, and as a result, take words about death very seriously.

[00:01:52] Beware of phrases like,

[00:01:54] They went to sleep, slash we put her to sleep.

[00:01:57] They're in heaven now. Or,

[00:01:59] They'll always be here watching us.

[00:02:01] Using euphemisms to describe death creates more questions for kids,

[00:02:05] and doesn't honestly answer the question,

[00:02:08] What happened?

[00:02:08] Kids might also be afraid to go to sleep,

[00:02:12] ask to travel to heaven so they can visit a dead relative or pet,

[00:02:15] or become nervous that someone is always watching them.

[00:02:19] Using euphemisms also applies to jokes like,

[00:02:22] I guess Pawpaw didn't eat his broccoli,

[00:02:24] slash watched too much TV,

[00:02:26] slash was allergic to Aunt Marge.

[00:02:28] Instead,

[00:02:29] tell the truth about the death with age-appropriate details.

[00:02:33] This gives children the answers they crave,

[00:02:35] plus the opportunity to ask questions if they want to know more.

[00:02:40] Examples.

[00:02:41] Honey,

[00:02:42] Bailey was crossing the street and got hit by a car.

[00:02:45] Pawpaw had a heart attack.

[00:02:47] Miss Lucy died, baby.

[00:02:49] Number two.

[00:02:50] They offer to replace the loss.

[00:02:53] This mostly applies to pet loss,

[00:02:56] i.e.

[00:02:56] Don't worry, we'll get you a new dog.

[00:02:58] But can also apply to people,

[00:03:00] i.e.

[00:03:01] It's okay,

[00:03:01] you've got me and grandma and daddy here to love you.

[00:03:05] Parents are well-intended when they offer to replace a loss.

[00:03:08] Their goal is usually to shift a child's focus from death to a new slash different relationship,

[00:03:14] generally a more positive one.

[00:03:16] But what that does is teaches children that pets and people are replaceable,

[00:03:20] and that one love can be substituted for another.

[00:03:23] In reality,

[00:03:25] all relationships are unique and different,

[00:03:27] and no matter what kind of support system they have in place,

[00:03:31] children still need to grieve the person or pet who died.

[00:03:34] Instead,

[00:03:35] ask kids what they liked,

[00:03:38] disliked,

[00:03:38] or will miss about their relationships.

[00:03:40] This is called relationship review,

[00:03:42] and gives children the opportunity to express their feelings.

[00:03:47] Examples.

[00:03:48] Tulips remind me of our neighbor, Jack.

[00:03:51] Remember when you got to plant flowers with him?

[00:03:54] Did you like sitting on grandpa's lap?

[00:03:56] What will you miss about him?

[00:03:58] Remember the time Macy tore up your favorite pair of socks?

[00:04:02] Number three.

[00:04:03] They tell instead of ask.

[00:04:05] When death occurs,

[00:04:07] it's easy for parents to go into dictate mode.

[00:04:09] They tell kids whether or not they will be going to the hospital or funeral,

[00:04:13] whether or not they are allowed to interact with certain family members,

[00:04:17] or whether or not it's okay to talk about grandma now that she's gone.

[00:04:21] While it's normal and understandable to want to keep gruesome details of death from children,

[00:04:26] when it comes to making plans after a death,

[00:04:28] it's better to ask than to tell.

[00:04:31] If your kids are old enough to remember the person or pet who has died,

[00:04:34] they are old enough to make some decisions about the part they want to play in honoring their memory.

[00:04:39] Instead, ask kids where they want to be during a funeral ceremony.

[00:04:44] If you are doing the ceremony yourself, death of a pet,

[00:04:47] ask your child how they want to honor their pet.

[00:04:50] Provide details when you can using reference points they can understand.

[00:04:55] Examples

[00:04:56] A funeral is like a church service where we will remember Uncle Hank's life and get to say goodbye to him.

[00:05:02] We wear our Sunday clothes and sit quietly with our family.

[00:05:06] Some people may cry because they are sad Uncle Hank is gone.

[00:05:09] Would you like to go with me and your mom?

[00:05:11] Or would you like to stay in the chapel with your cousins?

[00:05:14] It's up to you.

[00:05:15] Your older brother wants to stand up and sing during great-grandma's burial.

[00:05:20] Would you like to stand with him?

[00:05:21] You don't have to sing if you don't want to.

[00:05:24] Skippy has a disease that makes life painful for him.

[00:05:27] The vet is going to give him a special shot and he will die.

[00:05:30] He will not be in pain, but it will be sad for all of us.

[00:05:34] Would you like to come with us to say goodbye?

[00:05:36] We can bring his favorite blanket if you want.

[00:05:39] If you don't want to, you can say goodbye at home before we go.

[00:05:43] Number four.

[00:05:44] They don't say anything at all.

[00:05:47] We've all seen a depiction of a room full of black-clad adults

[00:05:50] talking quietly while children tug at their sleeves or their skirts,

[00:05:54] only to be brushed away.

[00:05:56] Kids know something is going on, but no one will tell them what.

[00:05:59] This may have been your reality as a child.

[00:06:03] Silence is one of the surest ways to isolate children

[00:06:05] and make death seem scary, dangerous, or shameful.

[00:06:09] Tragic deaths like the death of a child, a suicide, or a drunk driving accident

[00:06:13] are often spoken about late at night in whispered tones

[00:06:16] out of the earshot of the children.

[00:06:18] But kids know when the truth is being hidden from them.

[00:06:21] And being silent about death doesn't prevent kids from learning about it.

[00:06:25] It just ensures that kids will get their information about death and dying elsewhere.

[00:06:31] Instead, first acknowledge that your silence surrounding death

[00:06:34] is the result of how you learned about death.

[00:06:36] It is not your fault, but it is important to know and to change

[00:06:40] so you can equip your children with this vital life lesson.

[00:06:43] Second, talk.

[00:06:45] If you can't talk, ask your kids,

[00:06:48] what do you want to know?

[00:06:49] This will give you a starting point from which to answer.

[00:06:53] Examples.

[00:06:54] When kids want to know why all of their relatives are visiting,

[00:06:58] but it's not a fun trip,

[00:07:00] Aunt Alice and the kids are coming over because Daddy's mom died,

[00:07:03] and they're all very sad.

[00:07:05] It's important for them to be together right now.

[00:07:08] When kids want to know why people are wearing black,

[00:07:11] or another color depending on your customs,

[00:07:14] we wear black to show people that we are sad Cousin Sammy has died.

[00:07:18] It's a way of honoring her memory.

[00:07:20] When kids ask why their pet isn't moving,

[00:07:24] honey, Luke is no longer alive,

[00:07:26] so he's not breathing or standing up.

[00:07:28] If you have already done one or more of these things

[00:07:31] in regard to a death your child has experienced,

[00:07:34] don't panic.

[00:07:35] There are always opportunities to bring up the concept of death

[00:07:38] and present different, more complete information to your children.

[00:07:42] Here are some teachable moments to talk about death.

[00:07:45] 1.

[00:07:46] When watching movies

[00:07:47] Just this past year,

[00:07:50] Moana, Sing, and Kubo and the Two Strings

[00:07:52] address death in pretty big ways.

[00:07:55] Moana's grandmother dies,

[00:07:57] Buster Moon's father dies,

[00:07:58] and both of Kubo's parents are killed.

[00:08:01] 2.

[00:08:02] When your pet brings home a present,

[00:08:04] if it's not too gory.

[00:08:06] Use the words dead or died

[00:08:08] to describe a bird, gopher, or mouse your pet has killed.

[00:08:12] Notice with your kids that its eyes are closed,

[00:08:15] it is not breathing, and it is not moving.

[00:08:17] These are physical signs of death.

[00:08:20] 3.

[00:08:21] When taking a walk outside

[00:08:23] Nature gives us some great examples of death

[00:08:26] via flowers, trees, and seasons.

[00:08:28] While eyes, breathing, and movement will not apply,

[00:08:32] it's a great way to teach that all living things will eventually die.

[00:08:36] It also reminds us that death is not all bad,

[00:08:38] and that it's a perfectly natural life event.

[00:08:42] Parents are responsible for teaching their children about death.

[00:08:46] While it's not one of life's happier lessons,

[00:08:48] i.e. how to ride a bike,

[00:08:50] how to scramble eggs,

[00:08:51] how to tie your shoes,

[00:08:52] it's extremely important

[00:08:54] and impacts how kids view and respond to death

[00:08:56] for the rest of their lives.

[00:08:58] Children are monkey see, monkey do,

[00:09:00] and will learn to cope however parents teach them to.

[00:09:04] It's up to parents to be honest,

[00:09:06] direct, and truthful about what death means

[00:09:09] and how it makes them feel.

[00:09:10] Kids are far more impacted by the absence of truth

[00:09:14] than by the truth itself.

[00:09:15] If you are a parent,

[00:09:17] know that your words matter,

[00:09:18] and your kids are listening.

[00:09:24] You just listened to the post titled

[00:09:26] Four Big Mistakes Parents Make When They Talk About Death

[00:09:29] by Shelby Forsythia of shelbyforsythia.com

[00:09:34] Alright, and a wonderful post by Shelby today.

[00:09:37] This urge many parents default to

[00:09:40] about instilling fantasy

[00:09:42] or sugarcoating things like this for their children

[00:09:44] is really a bit useless.

[00:09:46] Of course there are extenuating circumstances

[00:09:48] in which you can err on the side of gentleness,

[00:09:51] but do not undersell your ability

[00:09:53] to break through your own pain

[00:09:55] and deliver tough messages

[00:09:56] in a way that's honest

[00:09:58] rather than unfit for children.

[00:09:59] It's a great skill that will enhance

[00:10:01] both of your abilities to communicate

[00:10:03] about life's never-ending assembly line

[00:10:05] of difficult times.

[00:10:07] So on that less-than-shearful

[00:10:09] but very realistic note,

[00:10:10] let's wrap up today's episode everybody.

[00:10:12] Thanks a lot for joining me today

[00:10:14] and listening through the end.

[00:10:15] Have a great rest of your day

[00:10:16] and I'll see you again tomorrow

[00:10:18] for both our regularly scheduled episode

[00:10:20] and our Sunday bonus episode.

[00:10:22] That's where your optimal life awaits.