2388: Cool Tricks to Deal with Difficult People and Get What You Want by Jodie Eckleberry-Hunt on Empathetic Techniques

[00:00:00] Now before we start, you might want to check out our other podcasts covering topics like personal development and minimalism, money, health, relationships, and more. So to optimize your life in other areas, just search for Optimal Living Daily in your podcast app. Now on to the show.

[00:00:18] This is Optimal Relationships Daily, Cool Tricks to Deal with Difficult People and Get What You Want by Dr. Jodie Eckleberry-Hunt of jodieckleberryhunt.com.

[00:00:30] If you're like me, you get easily frustrated with difficult people. My overall strategy is to avoid them, and I'm pretty good at it. Despite this, I still find some situations unavoidable, and so it is good to remember strategies to manage the situation. I think you will like some of these, and some others you may throw up in your mouth, like I do.

[00:00:52] Difficult people are everywhere. Sometimes they are situationally difficult, meaning it is the situation that stresses people so much that they lose their cool. Examples are the person in a long grocery line with misbehaving kids, or an exhausted traveler when a flight was just canceled. I've been there. If you're honest, you will admit you have also acted badly at times.

[00:01:14] Then there are those whom I would call dispositionally difficult. These people are just hard to take any day of the week. They may be selfish, inconsiderate, lazy, rude, critical, or entitled. My personal favorite.

[00:01:29] There are some effective strategies for working with people who are difficult, but first, you need to decide if it is situational or dispositional. You also need to keep your impulsive reaction at bay.

[00:01:41] The last thing you want to do is react, because reactivity will only fuel the difficult encounter, meaning you are the one who is making the interaction last longer. If you take a deep breath, a literal deep breath, you will likely be more effective at ending it, so you can move on.

[00:01:58] First things first. In all difficult situations, one, observe yourself in the situation. Note any sign that you are becoming agitated, like feeling flushed or your heart rate picking up.

[00:02:12] Two, take a few deep breaths or step aside for a moment, like pause and blow your nose, or look aside to cough to give yourself a quick break.

[00:02:21] Three, have a high Teflon factor. Let it all hit you and slide right off like you are covered in Teflon. It isn't about you. It's about the other person being upset. Let it go. It's poison to hang on.

[00:02:35] Four, tell yourself to move on fast. This can be over quickly, or you can drag it out, or you can make it bigger than it needs to be. Your choice.

[00:02:45] And five, tell yourself that you are smarter, better, more in control. You've got this.

[00:02:53] If the difficult encounter is situational.

[00:02:56] One, try to see it from the other person's viewpoint. Imagine what he or she may be feeling. Tap into how you might feel under similar circumstances.

[00:03:08] Two, remind yourself that the person is likely dealing with more than you will ever know. May have just gotten bad news, may be sick, may be hanging on by a thread.

[00:03:18] Three, tell the person some version of, I can imagine how frustrating the situation must be.

[00:03:25] Tell the person you want to help if you can. Apologize if it is appropriate.

[00:03:30] A colleague of mine once said to me that I should never apologize for something I didn't do wrong.

[00:03:35] She suggested saying, I am sorry that this happened. Thinking of it this way makes it much easier to say and mean.

[00:03:42] Four, do something. Get help, fix the issue, or point the person in the right direction.

[00:03:49] If the difficult situation is dispositional to the person,

[00:03:54] One, if you see a benefit, you can use number three that I just mentioned.

[00:03:58] I use this sometimes if I just want to get out of a situation as soon as possible.

[00:04:02] I tell myself that I am playing a role that will benefit me in the end,

[00:04:06] which justifies me not really meaning it.

[00:04:09] Note, I despise being fake, but there are times when it provides a relief not found through other methods.

[00:04:16] I liken this to moral reasoning.

[00:04:19] Sometimes it's okay to break the law if it's for good reason.

[00:04:23] Two, Dr. David Burns, the Feeling Good Handbook, suggests some solid strategies that I love.

[00:04:31] A. Disarming technique.

[00:04:33] You find some truth in what the other person is saying, even if you are convinced they are wrong.

[00:04:38] Tell the other person something like,

[00:04:40] You're right. I can see why you're upset.

[00:04:42] Then, there's nothing left to argue. The conversation is over.

[00:04:46] This is good when you are not addressing important issues and you just want to get out of the situation.

[00:04:52] B. Punting.

[00:04:54] You say, that's a good point. Let me think about it.

[00:04:58] You effectively end the conversation because you have already said the point is taken into consideration.

[00:05:03] You can walk off and visualize yourself giving the finger to the other person who walks away feeling heard.

[00:05:09] It's a win-win.

[00:05:10] If the situation is potentially volatile.

[00:05:14] 1. Speak slowly and lower your tone.

[00:05:17] Convey calm.

[00:05:19] 2. Stop what you're doing and only pay attention to the complainant.

[00:05:24] 3. Do not interrupt and do not argue.

[00:05:27] If this is non-work related, do what you need to do to get out of the situation as quickly as possible.

[00:05:33] Leave.

[00:05:34] If the situation is work related, see the next steps.

[00:05:38] 4. Repeat back what you hear to show the person that you get it.

[00:05:42] 5. Tell the person that you can see he or she is frustrated, overwhelmed, upset,

[00:05:48] insert the feeling, and that you want to help.

[00:05:51] 6. Pull in a colleague and ask for help.

[00:05:55] You can say something like, let me get a supervisor so we can fix this.

[00:05:59] While you get a supervisor, call security.

[00:06:02] You can never be too careful.

[00:06:04] Security can just hang back in the event that they are needed.

[00:06:07] It is better to have security on hand before things go bad.

[00:06:12] 7. Always keep a direct path between you and the door so that you can escape.

[00:06:18] My goal in sharing this with you is not to convince you to bow down to people who are difficult.

[00:06:24] However, if you work with people in your job, interact with people outside of work, or just live in the world,

[00:06:31] it is good to be smart about how you engage with difficult people.

[00:06:34] I like to justify these suggestions by saying you can be smarter in getting what you want by manipulating the situation to your advantage.

[00:06:42] If you let your own emotions take over, you are as out of control as the person who is pushing your buttons.

[00:06:48] Thinking of it this way makes the vomit not taste so bad.

[00:06:56] You just listened to the post titled,

[00:06:58] Cool Tricks to Deal with Difficult People and Get What You Want,

[00:07:02] by Dr. Jody Eccleberry Hunt of jodyecleberryhunt.com

[00:07:08] So this is an extremely important read, everyone.

[00:07:10] Needless to say, it can be hard to react properly in tense situations all the time.

[00:07:15] I would argue that it's getting increasingly difficult in a time when we are experiencing so much division,

[00:07:20] and thus so much emphasis on winning arguments as opposed to doing what we need to do to unify.

[00:07:25] What I love about this guide is that not only does it educate us about different types of healthy response and intervention strategies,

[00:07:32] but it gets us into the rhythm of considering what those who are feeling restless are going through.

[00:07:38] Many of these approaches encourage us to look past the reaction and build a foundation of sympathy and understanding,

[00:07:44] in addition to directness and boundary setting.

[00:07:48] A really, really wonderful read all around, and something that I would recommend to anyone,

[00:07:52] particularly those of you who enjoy a good Facebook bout every once in a while.

[00:07:57] We are going to wrap things up for today, everyone.

[00:07:59] I thank you for being here, and I hope you enjoyed this read as much as I did.

[00:08:03] I always love talking about how to communicate with and understand others,

[00:08:07] and I believe it's really at the core of what we seek in relationship building,

[00:08:11] and today's post did a good job of getting right to the core of that issue.

[00:08:16] We've got more great material left for you this week, though.

[00:08:18] So tomorrow and Friday we will be diving into parenting talk and what parents can do to make the most of their interactions with their children.

[00:08:25] So I hope to see you all there, everybody, where your optimal life awaits.

[00:08:30] What do you think is