2393: The Other Side of Relationship Withdrawal: What to do When Your Partner Withdraws by Lisa Merlo-Booth

[00:00:00] This is Optimal Relationships Daily, The Other Side of Relationship Withdrawal, What to Do When Your Partner Withdraws by Lisa Merlo-Booth of lisamerlo-booth.com

[00:00:13] A few posts ago, I wrote about withdrawal in relationships and received a comment asking me what to do when you are on the receiving end of withdrawal.

[00:00:22] In other words, what is a healthy response to a partner's unhealthy choice to withdraw?

[00:00:28] Let me be clear that the type of withdrawal I'll be talking about is the kind that goes on for more than an hour, is done with an air of contempt, and is done provocatively, meaning they just check out without explaining why or promising to talk about things later.

[00:00:42] This is different from taking a time out to regroup and get centered. Unhealthy withdrawal often has a cold shoulder effect to it. The person on the receiving end feels shut out and often shut down.

[00:00:53] Subsequently, that person will try a number of things to reengage with his or her partner, including begging, pleading, retaliating, giving into, yelling, shunning them back, and on and on.

[00:01:08] Because their partner is in withdrawal, and behind a wall, these efforts have little, if any, impact.

[00:01:15] If any of the above does have an impact, it's usually the giving in that may weaken the walls. Not without a price, though.

[00:01:22] Although giving in or apologizing, even when you know you did nothing wrong, may weaken the walls, it will often lead to resentment.

[00:01:29] At some point, you'll get annoyed that you're always the one apologizing. Eventually, you get angry that you're the only one in the relationship who's willing to be accountable.

[00:01:39] Ultimately, you get tired.

[00:01:41] Instead of pursuing your partner in any way, or shunning and walling off to them, you want to set limits on the withdrawal and go on with your life.

[00:01:50] Setting limits means taking care of yourself and not engaging in the chase.

[00:01:54] Be clear about what you want, what you're willing to do and not do, and then follow through with your actions.

[00:02:00] Don't stop your life because your partner is checked out of theirs.

[00:02:04] The best time to take these steps is when your partner is not withdrawing.

[00:02:08] You want to have a conversation with him or her when he or she is open to hearing it, so it's best not to do that in the heat of the moment.

[00:02:16] Choose a good time to talk and then be clear about what is not working for you regarding the withdrawal.

[00:02:22] Let your partner know that, although you realize there are going to be times when he or she is angry with you, it's not okay with you that he or she acts as though you don't exist.

[00:02:32] It's not okay that he or she withdraws and checks out.

[00:02:35] Be clear that you would like him or her to take a time out, no longer than 20 minutes, and then come back to discuss things with you.

[00:02:43] If the 20 minutes isn't enough, you're willing to renegotiate for an additional hour, as long as he or she is not being cold, standoffish, or mean-spirited.

[00:02:53] Next, let your partner know that if he or she is not willing to do that, then you will be going on with your daily plans and will not be pursuing him or her in any way.

[00:03:02] If he or she would like to discuss the issue relationally, you would be more than willing to do that.

[00:03:07] You, however, will not be willing to walk around in a toxic environment for hours or days until he or she calms down.

[00:03:15] Let him or her know that you will no longer be apologizing to try to smooth things over.

[00:03:20] You will only apologize if you are sorry.

[00:03:23] Set a limit regarding family activities, dinners, parties, etc., such that you will only attend those activities if he or she is no longer giving you the cold shoulder.

[00:03:33] If you had plans to go to a party, you will go by yourself if you choose to.

[00:03:38] If your partner decides to go, then you will not go if he or she is being cold or withdrawn towards you.

[00:03:44] I would also let your partner know that this behavior is greatly impacting your relationship.

[00:03:49] Don't threaten.

[00:03:50] Don't threaten.

[00:03:51] Just share the information from a very centered place.

[00:03:53] This is a heads up for your partner and a gift.

[00:03:56] How he or she receives it is his or her work.

[00:04:00] How you give it is your work.

[00:04:02] Remember, when it comes to your partner withdrawing, there's nothing you can do to make him or her stop.

[00:04:08] There's plenty you can do in response to their withdrawal, however.

[00:04:11] Stop and think about what you do have control over.

[00:04:14] You.

[00:04:15] And then act accordingly.

[00:04:17] Set limits.

[00:04:18] Be clear with your expectations and don't pursue someone who's acting irresponsibly.

[00:04:23] When you pursue irresponsible behavior, you contribute to more irresponsible behavior.

[00:04:28] Is that what you want to do?

[00:04:30] Challenge.

[00:04:31] If your partner frequently withdraws, realize this is irresponsible and you deserve better.

[00:04:36] Set limits on it.

[00:04:38] Don't pursue your partner and go on with your plans.

[00:04:41] You will feel better for it and your partner will be stuck to sit in his or her aloneness alone.

[00:04:51] You just listened to the post titled, The Other Side of Relationship Withdrawal.

[00:04:55] What to do when your partner withdraws.

[00:04:58] By Lisa Merlot Booth of lisamerlotbooth.com

[00:05:02] And this is a post that, to me, really excels because of how it stands to ground our perceptions of well-functioning relationships.

[00:05:10] The kind of sternness and directness that Lisa has encouraged is not the stuff of fairy tales or teen fantasies, but it is the stuff of long-term healthy relationships in the real world.

[00:05:23] Responding to a partner's withdrawal is not about over-affection and empty apologies, nor is it about running off and making oneself out to be the victim.

[00:05:31] As Lisa said, we each have different responsibilities in this scenario.

[00:05:36] If it's your partner feeling withdrawn, be sure to premise the actions Lisa has encouraged with welcoming them to talk about why they are withdrawing and being open to making some changes if you are indeed the cause.

[00:05:48] If you take this important first step and your partner does not open up, well, you must strike the balance between remaining open to them, yet also not keeping this negative energy from you doing what you need to do in your life.

[00:06:00] Becoming the best person you can be and bringing that very best version of yourself to your relationship.

[00:06:06] Sometimes our partners don't want to talk even when we approach them gently, and that's okay.

[00:06:11] But, remaining open for them when they are ready, yet also establishing a healthy boundary for how much you're willing to tolerate it is the best course of action you can take for both of you.

[00:06:22] Now, we are going to end today's episode, folks, but I thank you all for being here.

[00:06:26] I will be back with you tomorrow with more because relationships don't stop.

[00:06:30] So, I'll see you on the other side, everybody, where your optimal life awaits.

[00:06:35] Let's go.

[00:06:35] Thank you.