2395: Does A Relationship With A Bad Beginning Mean There's No Potential by Evan Marc Katz on Dating & Long-Term Compatibility

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[00:00:18] This is Optimal Relationships Daily. Does A Relationship With A Bad Beginning Mean There's No Potential? By Evan Marc Katz of EvanMarcKatz.com

[00:00:30] I've been dating a wonderful man for the past two years. We were friends first, so during the initial courtship, I was reluctant to jump in. He was sweet, patient, and persistent, and I became confident there was potential.

[00:00:43] However, after sleeping with me for the first time, he was distant, avoided intimacy, stared at other women, put me down, etc.

[00:00:53] I tried to break up many times, but each time I raised an issue, he fixed it. I was so confused by his behavior until I found out that I'm his first serious relationship.

[00:01:04] Although he's dated plenty, he has a history of losing interest early on and it sounds like he's hurt a lot of people in the past.

[00:01:11] Backstory, although extremely handsome now, he was definitely an ugly duckling for most of his life and as a result, is not exactly experienced.

[00:01:20] Once we started talking about his insecurities and I made it clear that I wouldn't leave, things got much better.

[00:01:27] Now I'm in the most loving, caring, supportive relationship I've ever had.

[00:01:31] He's smart, handsome, incredibly kind, earnest, affectionate, loves me to pieces, is devoted to his family, etc.

[00:01:39] I feel lucky.

[00:01:41] I'm in the middle of job hunting and received some great offers on the other side of the country, which I have turned down.

[00:01:48] Some days I'm not confident in my choice, and other days I think I'm crazy for basing life decisions around someone who mistreated me.

[00:01:56] He's said that he's 100% committed, but he's also said that he doesn't know where this is going, which is how I feel.

[00:02:02] I have a lot of leftover insecurities from the beginning of our relationship, and they're beginning to bubble up.

[00:02:08] Whenever he does a small thing, I blow it out of proportion.

[00:02:12] I know I need to stop, but I wonder if I will ever be able to forget our horrible beginning.

[00:02:18] Does a bad beginning mean that we have no potential?

[00:02:21] How do I figure out if we're compatible long term without having a where are we going conversation

[00:02:26] and placing undue pressure on him slash us?

[00:02:29] If he doesn't know after two years, does it mean he never will?

[00:02:34] Eve

[00:02:35] So many questions, so few obvious answers.

[00:02:39] In order.

[00:02:40] Does a bad beginning mean that we have no potential?

[00:02:43] No.

[00:02:43] Because that would be a binary choice, and I don't believe in binary choices.

[00:02:47] The fact that he would mistreat you at all seems to be a character issue, and that is absolutely a huge red flag to me.

[00:02:54] At the same time, if he's been Mr. Perfect ever since that rocky first month, I don't see how you can give greater weight to his previous behavior than his more recent behavior.

[00:03:04] So, no, I wouldn't say you have no potential.

[00:03:06] I would say that the kind of person who is distant, puts you down, avoids intimacy, and breaks hearts is a high risk partner.

[00:03:14] The kind who may not have the capacity to make any woman happy.

[00:03:17] How do I figure out if we're compatible long term without having a where are we going conversation and placing undue pressure on him slash us?

[00:03:25] You never mentioned your age.

[00:03:28] It makes a difference if you're 25, 35, or 55, you know?

[00:03:31] You never mentioned what you do.

[00:03:33] It makes a difference if you have to be in a specific city to do your job, or if you can do it anywhere.

[00:03:39] You never mentioned where you want to live.

[00:03:41] It makes a difference culturally and financially where you choose to plant roots.

[00:03:46] You never mentioned whether you want to have kids.

[00:03:48] It makes a difference in how much time you have to invest on a risky relationship.

[00:03:53] Those are questions for you to answer.

[00:03:55] But, I would suggest that two years in, you may or may not be positive that you are meant to be married.

[00:04:01] But, you should be sure of one thing.

[00:04:04] Your life goals and your boyfriend's life goals are one and the same.

[00:04:08] In other words, you should know him well enough and have strong enough communication to know if he ultimately wants to get married,

[00:04:14] have kids, whether he's ambitious, and where he wants to live.

[00:04:18] If you don't know the answers to these or have swept them under the rug to avoid making waves,

[00:04:23] it's about time to have that conversation.

[00:04:25] I'm a huge advocate of telling women to practice patience and giving men enough time to choose you by their own volition

[00:04:32] without exhibiting insecurity and pressure.

[00:04:35] But two years in, you deserve some answers.

[00:04:38] You don't have to sit him down and say,

[00:04:40] So are we getting married?

[00:04:42] You do have to sit him down and find out if he wants to get married,

[00:04:46] what he thinks about your job opportunities, and whether he's willing to step things up.

[00:04:51] By the way, it's worth it to mention, just because he wants to marry you,

[00:04:56] does not mean that you should want to marry him.

[00:04:58] The best relationships are based on a feeling of safety.

[00:05:02] And if you have a man around whom you don't feel safe,

[00:05:05] you'll be walking on eggshells for the rest of your life.

[00:05:08] If he doesn't know after two years, does it mean he never will?

[00:05:12] I have a theory that I use in my coaching.

[00:05:14] You can know when it's not right with someone.

[00:05:17] You can't know when it is right with someone.

[00:05:21] Believe the negatives, ignore the positives.

[00:05:23] If you have a bad feeling deep down about a man's trustworthiness, believe that feeling.

[00:05:28] On the other hand, everyone has had the,

[00:05:31] you just know feeling about a romantic partner and been wrong.

[00:05:34] I just knew twice and got dumped both times.

[00:05:39] Which just goes to show how much you just know when it comes to passion.

[00:05:44] Ultimately, marriage is a choice, not a feeling.

[00:05:46] If either you or your boyfriend is waiting for an epiphany,

[00:05:50] you might both be waiting for a long time.

[00:05:52] Lots of people want to have that feeling, so that there's no choice to be made.

[00:05:57] Problem is that the feeling is wrong more often than it's right.

[00:06:00] There are two separate choices to be made, Eve.

[00:06:03] Your choice as to whether you can let down your guard and trust him after two years of good behavior,

[00:06:08] and his choice as to whether he wants to marry you.

[00:06:11] You can control the first one.

[00:06:13] You can't control the second one.

[00:06:14] All you can do is draw your own conclusions, and if you trust him, and if your long-term visions are aligned,

[00:06:22] let him know that you'd like him to make a decision within the next year.

[00:06:26] If he doesn't, it's time to walk.

[00:06:32] You just listened to the post titled,

[00:06:34] Does a relationship with a bad beginning mean there's no potential?

[00:06:38] By Evan Mark Katz of EvanMarkKatz.com

[00:06:42] All right, thank you to Evan for letting us share this post, and thank you to Eve for her transparency and openness.

[00:06:48] It is so often that our past hurts can prevent us from seeing the big pictures of our relationships, as is the case with Eve.

[00:06:56] While she's doing a great job of reaching out and asking the right questions now,

[00:07:00] take this story as a reminder to do that work during all phases of the relationships, even if it's in the very beginning.

[00:07:07] It's these kinds of leftover feelings that haven't been addressed as fully as possible that get us to rethinking the other decisions,

[00:07:15] like what work opportunities to take and which to pass up.

[00:07:19] Difficult present-day decisions are often shaded with troubles from the past that have gone unresolved.

[00:07:24] So, do what you can to lean into tough questions every step of the way,

[00:07:28] and set yourself up to see each big event, inside or outside the relationship, more clearly.

[00:07:34] We have run out of time for today, though, everyone.

[00:07:36] I appreciate you stopping in today, and I hope you enjoyed and took something from this post.

[00:07:42] Good news is, I'll be back tomorrow with more for you.

[00:07:44] So, I hope you all have a wonderful night for yourselves,

[00:07:47] and I hope that you all tune back in tomorrow, where your optimal life awaits.