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Episode 2401:
Julie Morgenstern reminds parents that it's never too late to reset their relationship with their children, regardless of age. With genuine presence and attention, meaningful connections can be rebuilt. By prioritizing time to listen and truly see each other, both parents and kids can nurture a deeper bond that benefits them emotionally and socially.
Read along with the original article(s) here: https://www.juliemorgenstern.com/tips-tools-blog/2020/1/23/its-never-too-late-to-hit-reset-with-your-kids
Quotes to ponder:
"It's never too late to develop the capacity to be present, never too late to connect."
"The heart wants to connect. Even as adults, we feel the positive effects of time and attention from the people who matter to us."
"We all just want to be loved and listened to, seen and supported."
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[00:00:00] This is Optimal Relationships Daily. It's Never Too Late To Hit Reset With Your Kids by Julie Morgenstern of JulieMorgenstern.com
[00:00:11] You may have heard that 90% of who we become as adults is the result of what happens in the first 7 years of life.
[00:00:18] It would be a pretty cruel joke of nature if the greatest impact we have as parents is when we are least experienced.
[00:00:26] Parenting is one of the most complex jobs in the world and it doesn't come with any training or an extension number we can dial for technical support.
[00:00:34] We're all just learning as we go. We're bound to make mistakes.
[00:00:38] In my conversations with parents, what most of us really want is to be there for our kids, to have a quality loving relationship, to feel close and connected.
[00:00:47] But there is so much that gets in the way.
[00:00:50] We want to spend quality time as a family, but we need to work late to provide for them.
[00:00:55] We want to sit and hear about their day, but we have to run to the grocery store or there will be nothing for dinner.
[00:01:01] We want to be present during game night, but so often feel distracted by the endless to-do lists in our heads.
[00:01:08] As parents, we can get so focused on the doing, the organizing and arranging and providing and logistics,
[00:01:14] that we don't have the time to just be with our children.
[00:01:18] That can make us feel incredibly disconnected and it can be hard to hit reset.
[00:01:23] Often we feel like it's simply too late.
[00:01:25] My kid is already 8, 11, 16, 26. Would it even make a difference?
[00:01:31] Luckily, recent sciences found out that while the early years do matter very much, the later years do too.
[00:01:38] Brain plasticity continues throughout life.
[00:01:41] Our neural circuitry and brain architecture are able to grow and develop well into adulthood.
[00:01:46] And no matter how old we are, we all just want to be loved and listened to, seen and supported.
[00:01:53] I'll never forget Allison, a 38-year-old woman and mother to a 15-year-old boy, who attended one of my speeches on time to parent.
[00:02:02] During the Q&A, she confided that she was struggling to find time to connect with her son.
[00:02:07] She, too, had become focused on the doing, showing her love for her son by ensuring that he was provided for and that the logistics of his life and the family routine ran smoothly.
[00:02:18] But this had come at the expense of quality time and conversation.
[00:02:22] Only a few years shy of college, she worried that she'd missed her window.
[00:02:27] She feared that it was too late to make meaningful changes in their relationship.
[00:02:31] I asked Allison about her relationship with her own parents.
[00:02:35] She shared that when she calls her parents' house and her mother picks up the phone, Allison instantly tenses up.
[00:02:41] Her mother jumps right at her.
[00:02:44] A-T, that's arrange and teach for those of you who have read the book.
[00:02:47] Flooding her with types of questions we often try to dodge at family gatherings.
[00:02:52] How's work going?
[00:02:53] Did you get that promotion?
[00:02:54] Are you saving money?
[00:02:55] How's the house?
[00:02:56] Did you meet that weight loss goal yet?
[00:02:59] Allison knows her mother is trying to be supportive, but these conversations instantly put Allison on the defensive, preventing opportunities for genuine connection.
[00:03:08] Then, her mom passes the phone to her dad.
[00:03:11] All he asks her is,
[00:03:13] Hey honey, how you doing?
[00:03:15] Allison instantly relaxes, sometimes cries and opens up about her life, knowing that her dad is genuinely interested and there to listen.
[00:03:23] Their conversations always make her feel seen and heard, loved and valued.
[00:03:28] I asked Allison,
[00:03:30] So, if you were to call your parents' house tomorrow and your mom picked up the phone and asked,
[00:03:36] Hey honey, how you doing?
[00:03:37] How would you react?
[00:03:39] Allison sighed wistfully.
[00:03:41] That's all I've ever wanted, she told me.
[00:03:43] Aha!
[00:03:44] If it wasn't too late for her mom with Allison at 38,
[00:03:49] I assured her, it certainly wasn't too late for Allison's son at 15.
[00:03:54] We all make mistakes as parents, but kids are forgiving and resilient.
[00:03:58] The heart wants to connect.
[00:04:00] Think about it.
[00:04:01] Even as adults, we feel the positive effects of time and attention from the people who matter to us.
[00:04:06] We all just want to be seen and listened to.
[00:04:09] This is all to say, no matter the age of your children,
[00:04:12] it is never too late to develop the capacity to be present.
[00:04:16] Never too late to connect.
[00:04:17] Carving out the time to be present with your kids at any age will provide physical, emotional,
[00:04:23] intellectual, and social benefit for both of you.
[00:04:26] So, take a deep breath.
[00:04:29] Forgive yourself.
[00:04:30] Tomorrow is a new day.
[00:04:32] A fresh start.
[00:04:37] You just listened to the post titled,
[00:04:39] It's Never Too Late to Hit Reset With Your Kids
[00:04:42] by Julie Morgenstern of juliemorgenstern.com
[00:04:46] Absolutely wonderful read from Julie today.
[00:04:49] What else is new?
[00:04:50] Perhaps one of the biggest changes occurring after that landmark of age 7-ish
[00:04:55] is that children share less and less with their parents as they age.
[00:05:00] What this means is not that there's less to relate over
[00:05:03] and less to have meaningful conversation about.
[00:05:06] It simply means that children aren't readily presenting as much.
[00:05:09] So, if you're a parent looking to rebuild a relationship with your child,
[00:05:13] simply ask yourself about the things going on in their lives
[00:05:16] that you maybe remember from when you were their age
[00:05:19] or things you've not asked about that they've been spending a lot of time on.
[00:05:23] Surely you don't have to do this in a way that can be a bit overbearing,
[00:05:26] such as Allison's mother,
[00:05:28] but instead in a way that is geared towards learning about your children
[00:05:32] as opposed to, I don't know, watching over them.
[00:05:35] This builds a friendship,
[00:05:37] something that all parents must transition to with their children as they age.
[00:05:40] And for you kids out there,
[00:05:42] don't think that you can't do the same thing for your parents.
[00:05:45] Friendship is a two-way street,
[00:05:46] and it is never too late for you to learn about who they really are
[00:05:50] or who they've become.
[00:05:52] So, I'm going to wrap this one up now, guys.
[00:05:54] I'm going to go hug my mom real quick.
[00:05:56] Thank you for being here today, as always,
[00:05:58] and thank you for staying till the end.
[00:06:00] And I will look forward to talking to you all on Monday,
[00:06:03] where your optimal life awaits.
[00:06:05] Thank you.
[00:06:05] Thank you.