2404: 3 Daily Habits That are Better for Your Marriage Than an Exotic Vacation by Laura Triggs with The Gottman Institute

[00:00:00] This is Optimal Relationships Daily, 3 Daily Habits That Are Better for Your Marriage Than an Exotic Vacation by Laura Triggs with Gottman.com

[00:00:10] I have a recurring fantasy that involves a beach, a margarita, and most importantly, a hunky husband. You know that one much-needed vacation?

[00:00:20] Like many couples, my husband and I are longing for some alone time, some time to relax, take a break from life, and really connect.

[00:00:28] But my fantasy flight never gets off the ground. It's cancelled, every time. The unfortunate reality is that we are not going on a romantic luxury vacation anytime soon,

[00:00:39] for the same reasons we rarely splurge on fancy dates, expensive gifts, or exciting excursions, money, and babies.

[00:00:47] So without the thrilling prospect of romantic getaways, where does that leave the love part of this marriage?

[00:00:53] We've got the teamwork part down. Every day we work to take care of the house and kids. But to keep the romance alive in our marriage,

[00:01:01] the two of us need quality time and enjoyable shared experiences. In the busyness of life, this much-needed romantic connection can seem all but impossible.

[00:01:12] Luckily for us, and most couples, it turns out that the opportunities to enhance the romance are more attainable than you'd think.

[00:01:19] According to psychologist Dr. John Gottman of the famed Love Lab, lasting love is fed by little everyday moments of connection.

[00:01:28] That's right. The quality of love in your relationship is determined in the daily grind, not on that all-inclusive Mexican vacay.

[00:01:36] What exactly does he mean by this? Here are three daily habits that can make your marriage last forever.

[00:01:42] Number one, do little and thoughtful kind things for each other.

[00:01:46] According to relationship expert Dr. Jack Ito, little acts of love and kindness go a long way.

[00:01:52] In his article, How to Show Love in Marriage, he writes that the big things we do in marriage only get us so far.

[00:01:59] Working full-time to pay the mortgage, making meals, caring for children, these things are necessary, expected, and connected with duty.

[00:02:07] Little extras, however, are obviously done because you want to do them.

[00:02:13] They show your spouse you are willing to put in the extra effort because he or she is worth it.

[00:02:18] In The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work, Dr. Gottman writes that Hollywood distorts our notions of romantic love.

[00:02:25] Quote,

[00:02:26] Watching Humphrey Bogart gather teary-eyed Ingrid Bergman into his arms may make your heart pound,

[00:02:32] but real-life romance is fueled by far more humdrum scenes.

[00:02:36] It is kept alive each time you let your spouse know he or she is valued during the grind of everyday life.

[00:02:43] End quote.

[00:02:44] When I think about it, I do feel a strong sense of being loved when my husband does the simplest things for me,

[00:02:50] like when he fixes my plate for dinner or texts me during the day to see how I am.

[00:02:54] Or when he does little things to help me as a mom.

[00:02:57] Almost every morning, Kyle brings the baby to me with a clean diaper.

[00:03:01] That's love, my friend.

[00:03:03] Number two.

[00:03:04] Make time to say yes to each other every single day.

[00:03:08] Time is the enemy for busy couples, but time spent in positive interactions with your spouse is non-negotiable.

[00:03:15] As Dr. Gottman writes,

[00:03:16] Quote,

[00:03:17] A husband and wife are continually making bids for each other's attention,

[00:03:21] introducing a conversation topic, implicitly asking a favor, etc.

[00:03:26] And the most successful couples are the ones who continually turn toward their partners.

[00:03:31] End quote.

[00:03:32] They say yes to each other's requests for attention, interaction, and, well, love, I suppose.

[00:03:38] These everyday interactions serve to build up a bank of love and trust, Dr. Gottman says.

[00:03:44] I'm thinking just now of a bid for attention and connection I missed last week.

[00:03:48] Kyle spent hours digging and planting and laying mulch in our yard.

[00:03:52] Multiple times throughout the process, he asked if I had seen the latest thing he'd completed.

[00:03:58] At least twice I said no, I hadn't seen it, and continued to fold laundry.

[00:04:03] Finally, I figured out what he wanted.

[00:04:05] To share the experience with me.

[00:04:07] To see if his work pleased me.

[00:04:09] So I've made the trek to the backyard a few times since then.

[00:04:12] Finding meaningful moments of connection in his joy of spring yard work.

[00:04:17] Number three.

[00:04:18] Establish relationship rituals.

[00:04:20] There is something powerful in creating the just-us element in a relationship.

[00:04:25] As couples therapist Zach Brittle writes,

[00:04:27] Rituals are a way to ensure that your relationship is unique.

[00:04:31] Rituals are regularly occurring activities or traditions that you share as a couple,

[00:04:36] which serve to strengthen your bond.

[00:04:38] If you're anything like me, you have a love-hate relationship with Netflix.

[00:04:42] I feel like my downtime could be spent reading a book.

[00:04:45] But honestly, watching something together is one of the best rituals Kyle and I share.

[00:04:50] As soon as the last babe is in bed, we practically run to the couch and start our current show.

[00:04:56] We really do bond over the whole process.

[00:04:58] If it sounds like I'm defending a hardcore habit, I am.

[00:05:02] The ritual we've established is to spend our unwinding time in the evening together,

[00:05:07] sharing something we both enjoy.

[00:05:09] When I finally go on that dream vacation,

[00:05:12] I want to go with a lot of love and trust already in the bank.

[00:05:16] I want to go with all our inside jokes and a history of thoughtfulness and goodwill.

[00:05:20] I want the overwhelming feeling that this cute husband is my partner in life and in romance.

[00:05:27] That should make for a steamy vacation.

[00:05:33] You just listened to the post titled,

[00:05:36] Three Daily Habits That Are Better For Your Marriage Than An Exotic Vacation,

[00:05:40] by Laura Triggs with Gottman.com.

[00:05:44] And thank you so much to Laura for a very inspiring post today.

[00:05:48] Really great points made.

[00:05:49] Whether it's in or out of a relationship,

[00:05:52] we often lean on these big events to make our time worthwhile.

[00:05:56] But not only are these events few and far between,

[00:05:59] but they often have very little to do with us.

[00:06:01] A lot of the entertainment in these types of events are coming from an outside source

[00:06:05] that we sort of just bask in.

[00:06:08] Meanwhile, things we can do each day by our own hand,

[00:06:11] our habits, are what brings more satisfaction.

[00:06:15] We're in control of them, they're repeated,

[00:06:17] and they affect our mood constantly.

[00:06:19] Honestly, without those things in place,

[00:06:22] it's hard to even be in the right frame of mind

[00:06:24] to enjoy the bigger experiences like fancy vacations

[00:06:28] on the few occasions that they do come.

[00:06:30] Food for thought.

[00:06:31] We are done for today though, friends.

[00:06:33] I will look forward to talking to you tomorrow

[00:06:35] where your optimal life awaits.