2409: When A Parent's Unconditional Love Is Worn Away by Dr. Margaret Rutherford on Parenting Challenges Advice

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[00:00:30] This is Optimal Relationships Daily, When A Parent's Unconditional Love Is Worn Away by Dr. Margaret Rutherford of DrMargaretRutherford.com

[00:00:41] Whenever I hear the term unconditional love, I think of the first moment I saw my infant child. That's probably the purest love I've ever felt or ever will feel. All he had done so far was breathe and cry, and I loved him.

[00:00:55] Yet, unconditional parental love can be used up, worn away, and virtually destroyed. Some of the most difficult moments I've witnessed as a therapist, other than the death of a child, is watching a parent agonize over their now adult child's destructiveness and emotional manipulation.

[00:01:12] There have been years of lying, by commission or omission, stealing, substance or prescription medication abuse, disappearances and reappearances, emotional manipulation, multiple jobs and chronic chaos, maybe even continual suicidal threats.

[00:01:28] To say these children haven't successfully launched is an understatement.

[00:01:34] They seem stuck and have spent years of making a mess out of their lives and frequently blame others, especially parents, for their plight.

[00:01:41] Even if this is due to a severe mental illness, which is of course no fault of the child,

[00:01:46] the parents can experience trauma of their own due to their child's resulting behaviors.

[00:01:52] Certainly, there are many parents who do a poor job of providing even basic safety and security.

[00:01:57] A child can feel besieged by the insatiability and emotional onslaught of a parent as well.

[00:02:03] It can take years for that child to understand that their parent isn't stable,

[00:02:07] or it wasn't their fault that their mother or father wasn't, and probably still isn't, there for them.

[00:02:13] That reality can make a child's path to adulthood very difficult,

[00:02:17] and can leave emotional wounds that can only be healed with awareness, compassion, and time.

[00:02:22] But troubled adults don't require unstable childhoods.

[00:02:27] Sometimes children themselves get lost.

[00:02:30] When parents are good enough, but children still struggle.

[00:02:33] Parents may have actually been decent, good enough parents.

[00:02:37] They didn't expect too much or too little.

[00:02:39] They focused on letting their children be children.

[00:02:42] They were understanding and handled parenting with maturity, provided safety, and worked together.

[00:02:47] Sure, they made mistakes, but the mistakes were normal and unintentional.

[00:02:51] Yet children can still develop emotional and mental problems.

[00:02:56] They may have a diagnosable severe mental illness,

[00:02:59] which creates deep despondency and or chaotic highs, but refuse treatment.

[00:03:03] Narcotics may be altering their personality,

[00:03:06] as patterns of thinking and behavior may be distorted and dysfunctional,

[00:03:09] and emotions and impulses may ravage through and control them,

[00:03:13] as can be found with a personality disorder.

[00:03:16] Parents are left to fight through the questions and find their own answers.

[00:03:20] The guilt can feel immense.

[00:03:21] What did we miss?

[00:03:23] What did I or we do or not do?

[00:03:25] To go from watching a toddler take his first steps,

[00:03:28] to overhearing him engage in criminal activity,

[00:03:31] or vehemently claim that one more supervisor was after him,

[00:03:35] is a long, extremely painful journey.

[00:03:38] A necessary detachment occurs.

[00:03:41] Not abandonment, but detachment.

[00:03:44] A sense of detachment can begin to happen,

[00:03:46] as continuing to unconditionally love that child

[00:03:49] will only end in sabotaging what's left of their own lives,

[00:03:52] and the lives of their other sons and daughters,

[00:03:55] grandparents, or other family members.

[00:03:57] It's a kind of emotional death.

[00:04:00] The death of dreams, of hope, and of trust.

[00:04:03] A parent can still love and not abandon.

[00:04:06] But that caring becomes cautious.

[00:04:08] You realize your child is miserable.

[00:04:11] They aren't a firefighter or veterinarian or parent

[00:04:14] as they dreamt of being in childhood.

[00:04:16] Instead, they hop from job to job or sell themselves for narcotics.

[00:04:20] You've done your best to help stop their self-destructive behavior,

[00:04:23] but they don't have the belief or the readiness

[00:04:26] to risk choosing another way of being.

[00:04:29] The need to set boundaries.

[00:04:31] So, parents are left to set boundaries.

[00:04:34] Changing the locks on your doors to keep your 28-year-old from stealing.

[00:04:38] No longer inviting your 32-year-old home for holidays

[00:04:41] because of their rage outbursts.

[00:04:43] Cutting off financial support from your 40-year-old,

[00:04:46] hoping they get arrested so at least you know they're safe.

[00:04:49] These boundaries can break your heart,

[00:04:51] but your head knows they're all that's left to do.

[00:04:54] And then you hope and pray.

[00:04:56] When you don't agree on what to do

[00:04:59] One couple comes immediately to mind.

[00:05:01] His 25-year-old daughter had a severe alcohol problem

[00:05:05] and would call at all hours of the night

[00:05:07] or leave suicidal messages and then not pick up the phone.

[00:05:11] He'd rush over to find her passed out in the bathtub or on the floor.

[00:05:14] His wife, the stepmother, had had enough after years of this pattern.

[00:05:18] You have to stop.

[00:05:20] She has to confront this in herself.

[00:05:23] As long as she knows you'll save her,

[00:05:25] she won't fix it herself, she'd say.

[00:05:27] Then I saw him raise his head with tears in his eyes.

[00:05:31] I know.

[00:05:32] But what if this is the time that I don't go

[00:05:35] and she actually dies?

[00:05:37] I could never forgive myself.

[00:05:39] The room got very still as both looked at me for an answer.

[00:05:43] But there wasn't a right or wrong answer.

[00:05:46] Both choices held their own fear.

[00:05:48] The happy part of this story is that their daughter did recover,

[00:05:52] mostly on her own, but with both parents supporting and encouraging her.

[00:05:55] If you're a parent who's struggling with trying to love a child

[00:05:59] through the chaos they're creating,

[00:06:00] please know you're not alone.

[00:06:02] Acknowledge what may have been your responsibility,

[00:06:05] but know that sometimes you'll be blamed and blamed unfairly.

[00:06:13] You just listened to the post titled,

[00:06:15] When a parent's unconditional love is worn away,

[00:06:18] by Dr. Margaret Rutherford of drmargaretrutherford.com.

[00:06:23] And a very thought-provoking and powerful post from Margaret today.

[00:06:26] I think it goes without saying that this is a great post for parents

[00:06:30] that have troubled relationships with their children to read.

[00:06:32] However, I would say it's even more useful for two other parties,

[00:06:37] both new parents who are maybe afraid of acknowledging potential realities such as these,

[00:06:42] and also children who are feeling estranged from their parents

[00:06:45] and have maybe found themselves in a bad way.

[00:06:47] Not necessarily young children, but children of parents, as all children are.

[00:06:51] The content in these types of articles affect many different people.

[00:06:55] And though it's focused on the pain of parents who have children

[00:06:58] that are struggling with any of the things Dr. Margaret mentioned,

[00:07:02] if you're reading this as someone who maybe belongs to one of the parties I just mentioned,

[00:07:06] it's a great way to get ahead of the curve

[00:07:08] and understand the pain of others

[00:07:10] and do what you can do to get ahead of it

[00:07:13] by either healing yourself or helping others to heal.

[00:07:16] So keep that in mind with all our posts,

[00:07:18] especially those that seem to be specific to parents.

[00:07:21] There are always many sides of the things we talk about.

[00:07:25] Always many people affected.

[00:07:27] And your role is never too small to not be in a position to make a positive difference.

[00:07:32] And that's going to do it for today, everyone.

[00:07:34] Time to wrap things up.

[00:07:35] I appreciate you all being here and sticking it out

[00:07:38] to confront this very difficult but very real sect of parenthood.

[00:07:42] I've said it before and I'll say it again, however,

[00:07:44] the more we lean into these challenges,

[00:07:46] the better we get at handling them.

[00:07:47] No ifs, ands, or buts about it.

[00:07:49] So be sure to come back again on Monday for more great content

[00:07:52] that encourages us to look inward

[00:07:54] and where your optimal life awaits.