2410: When Your Ex is Dating Someone Else and it Hurts (and How to Move On) by Melissa Josue of Melissa the Love Coach

[00:00:00] This is Optimal Relationships Daily, When Your Ex is Dating Someone Else and it Hurts and How to Move On by Melissa Josue of MelissaTheLoveCoach.com

[00:00:12] Dear Melissa, I need help healing a broken heart. Long story short, I met a man going through a divorce in 2012 with two young children. He was going through a divorce and I was trying to have a child on my own. We dated for three years and all was going well.

[00:00:29] But then he officially got divorced and I had my daughter. He wasn't ready to be committed, meaning he still wanted to see me most of the time, but have his options. I was looking for monogamy, so I ended things. We have stayed in touch, seen each other here and there, and his mom and I are very close. He's now dating a new girl and I know he's been dating her since we've broken up. How do I reconcile that he's now with somebody else and not with me? Is he now ready to be monogamous?

[00:00:59] But chose somebody else to be monogamous with? Is there something wrong with me? I always thought we would have gotten back together, but I've let that go. I'm trying to move on now as I saw him recently at a party. He didn't see me. And he was with his new woman. Jennifer.

[00:01:15] Hi Jennifer. Thank you so much for reaching out. I feel you. It's hard to see someone you've been in love with dating someone else, especially when you had hopes of getting back together. I hear how painful that was for you.

[00:01:28] But I want you to know that you did the right thing by ending things once you found out that he wanted to keep his options open and you wanted a committed relationship.

[00:01:39] I know it's hard to break things off when you really don't want to, but I really acknowledge you for taking a stand for the kind of relationship that you truly want.

[00:01:47] Even though it was painful to end things at the time, by seeing the red flag and by walking away before getting more deeply involved, you avoided bigger heartbreak.

[00:01:58] Because the deeper and more involved you are, the more painful a breakup tends to be.

[00:02:02] You have amazing courage and strength. You're a mom. You can do difficult things. You have the capacity to heal.

[00:02:10] At face value, we don't know if he's ready for an exclusive relationship and or whether he's dating this woman exclusively or not.

[00:02:18] But we do know he's dating. But trying to figure out what he wants or whether he's ready for a relationship won't help your cause in moving on

[00:02:27] and could actually be the very thing that's keeping you from healing.

[00:02:31] How to mend a broken heart

[00:02:33] To your question about how do I reconcile that he's now with somebody else and not with me,

[00:02:38] the best advice I can give you is to focus on the relationship you want, not the man.

[00:02:44] See, there's the man. And then there's your relationship with the man.

[00:02:48] And then there's your vision for the kind of relationship that you truly want.

[00:02:53] Focus on your vision for the kind of relationship that you want, not the man.

[00:02:57] Set your heart and attention on your dream for the kind of relationship that you want,

[00:03:02] not the man who is dating someone else.

[00:03:04] Because focusing on and pursuing the man that you want,

[00:03:08] instead of focusing and pursuing the kind of relationship that you want,

[00:03:11] is the very thing that's going to get in the way of you having that vision,

[00:03:15] of obtaining the dream of having a deeply fulfilling, committed relationship.

[00:03:19] And it's also the very thing that's in the way of helping you heal.

[00:03:23] How? Because you're focusing on and pinning your hopes on something that is beyond your control.

[00:03:29] And that's what makes it feel impossible to move on.

[00:03:33] Setting your heart on a man gives your power away.

[00:03:36] Which is why whenever we're waiting, chasing, or pursuing a man,

[00:03:40] when we're in that energy of waiting or pursuit,

[00:03:42] it feels so stressful, it makes us anxious, and it's emotionally exhausting.

[00:03:47] Focusing on the man puts you on an emotional roller coaster.

[00:03:52] Because you're handing your heart over to something over which you have no real control.

[00:03:56] You have influence, but not control.

[00:03:59] You can't control his readiness for a relationship.

[00:04:03] You can't control whether you'll get back together.

[00:04:05] You can't control who he chooses to date or be with.

[00:04:08] Which is why it's so hard to heal from this when you're focusing on the man

[00:04:13] and ruminating over him and wondering or lamenting why he did or didn't do something

[00:04:18] or why you did or didn't do something.

[00:04:21] And I know that ruminating and lamenting is easy to do when your heart is attached

[00:04:25] because I've totally been there too and had for a long time.

[00:04:29] It feels like it's so hard to heal

[00:04:31] because it's like he walked off with your heart and your dream.

[00:04:34] And the pain is in feeling like you're never going to get it back.

[00:04:38] That's why heartbreak feels endless.

[00:04:40] And it feels so hard to let go of and get over

[00:04:43] because it feels like that piece is missing.

[00:04:45] That he took it from you and that he's living that dream with someone else.

[00:04:49] But the truth is, that dream doesn't belong to him.

[00:04:53] That dream belongs to you.

[00:04:55] There's nothing wrong with you.

[00:04:57] There's nothing wrong with who you are.

[00:04:59] He just didn't fulfill the vision for the kind of relationship that you want.

[00:05:02] It just wasn't a match at that time.

[00:05:05] But that vision is still yours.

[00:05:07] The dream is still yours.

[00:05:09] You still get to create it.

[00:05:11] You still get to have it.

[00:05:12] That's the power of focusing on your vision rather than focusing on a man.

[00:05:17] Your vision, your dream is always within your domain.

[00:05:21] It's always within your control.

[00:05:23] You have the power to create it, to iterate it, to pursue it with all your heart.

[00:05:29] Because you have the power to choose how you want to live your one wild and precious life.

[00:05:34] You might not have the man you had your heart set on,

[00:05:37] but the dream for the kind of relationship that you truly want,

[00:05:41] to be cherished and celebrated for being who you are with a partner

[00:05:44] who is ready to commit to you and your family,

[00:05:47] that dream still lives.

[00:05:48] It's still real and it's still possible for you.

[00:05:52] In other words, focus on the goal, not the obstacle.

[00:05:56] Focus on the dream, not the reasons why you feel you can't have it.

[00:06:00] That's what's most important,

[00:06:02] to know that having the kind of relationship that you truly want is possible for you.

[00:06:07] And turning your energy toward that possibility,

[00:06:10] not spending energy on what could have been.

[00:06:13] That possibility didn't go away when you walked away from your relationship with him.

[00:06:18] You decided to move on because you knew that he couldn't give you what you wanted.

[00:06:23] And walking away from what wasn't working was the best thing that you could have done for you

[00:06:28] and your family and your dream for the kind of relationship that you really want and deserve.

[00:06:34] You took a stand for what you truly wanted.

[00:06:37] You made space for it in your life.

[00:06:39] And because of that conscious action that you took,

[00:06:42] you made it even more possible to make that vision you hold come true for you.

[00:06:47] Remember, you're the catch.

[00:06:49] The right man for you, he's looking for you too.

[00:06:52] And when you ended a relationship that wasn't working,

[00:06:55] you took steps toward the kind of relationship you really want.

[00:06:59] And that is your grace, bravery, and power in action.

[00:07:03] That is your creative power.

[00:07:05] The same power that is within you to heal.

[00:07:12] You just listened to the post titled,

[00:07:14] When Your Ex Is Dating Someone Else And It Hurts,

[00:07:17] And How To Move On,

[00:07:19] by Melissa Josu of melissatelovecoach.com.

[00:07:23] And thanks a lot to Melissa for sharing a wonderful post with us.

[00:07:27] Her specialty is helping clients navigate the unique challenges of dating men who are in the process of divorce

[00:07:33] or dating men who have been previously married, with or without kids.

[00:07:37] And she's also a certified dating and relationship coach.

[00:07:41] And I think a lot of her success can be attributed to what we saw a lot of in this post.

[00:07:46] And that is encouraging clients to focus only on that which they can control

[00:07:51] rather than that which is out of their hands.

[00:07:54] This really keeps the picture very clear for clients.

[00:07:57] Not only because they waste less time ruminating on things they can't change,

[00:08:01] but also because they can then use that extra time and mental space

[00:08:05] to consider what else in their control that they've overlooked.

[00:08:09] For people struggling with dating,

[00:08:11] one of the best things they can now start focusing on

[00:08:14] is what they might be doing to drive people away that they've not considered previously.

[00:08:19] But whether or not you're struggling with dating,

[00:08:21] it's always nice to step back and take accountability for what we may be doing

[00:08:25] to drive away that which we're struggling to attain.

[00:08:28] Word to the wise.

[00:08:30] I am off for now though, friends.

[00:08:32] Thank you so much for listening today.

[00:08:34] And I will be back with you tomorrow for another insightful episode

[00:08:37] where your optimal life awaits.