2411: Self-Confidence in Relationships AND Moving from Defensiveness to Accountability by Lisa Merlo-Booth

[00:00:00] This is Optimal Relationships Daily, Self-Confidence in Relationships by Lisa Merlo-Booth of lisamerlo-booth.com

[00:00:09] Quote, Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. End quote. That's by Marianne Williamson.

[00:00:22] Time and time again, I hear people minimizing their accomplishments, downplaying their successes, or magnifying their faults in an effort to avoid the possibility that those around them will feel bad.

[00:00:35] I see this process especially with women. We tell ourselves that we shouldn't brag, rub our successes in, or make the other person feel bad by talking about the things going well for us.

[00:00:45] What we don't realize is we can't make other people feel anything. If someone feels jealous because of something I have, something I accomplished, or one of my successes, that's about them. It's not about me. And it's not being a good friend.

[00:01:01] The other day I had a most refreshing conversation with a friend. It was also an odd conversation, since the dynamic that happened happens so seldom with women.

[00:01:11] At the beginning of the conversation, I was sharing about various stresses going on in my life and doing my fair share of whining.

[00:01:17] I then asked about how things were going with her, and she proceeded to tell me all the wonderful things that were happening for her.

[00:01:25] She was talking about what a good place she was in, how her children were settling in well, and how fortunate she was feeling in all aspects of her life.

[00:01:34] It was inspiring on many levels.

[00:01:36] I felt very fortunate to have a friend who was willing to share what was really happening in her life, rather than trying to co-commiserate in an effort to connect.

[00:01:45] Her courage to share the good felt like a gift.

[00:01:49] I knew she trusted that I could rejoice in her successes without needing her to wallow in mine.

[00:01:55] It was such an eye-opening experience of what Marianne Williamson was talking about when she wrote,

[00:02:01] And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

[00:02:08] As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

[00:02:14] End quote.

[00:02:16] When others around us feel bad about themselves and or their accomplishments in response to our successes and joys, it's about them, not about us.

[00:02:26] When those around you are strong, grounded, healthy people, they will rejoice with you in your successes.

[00:02:32] You will not need to make yourself small so they feel okay, nor would they want you to.

[00:02:38] We do not need to throw ourselves under the bus in order to protect the psyches of those around us.

[00:02:44] Instead, we need to step up and allow our own light to shine and perhaps be a beacon in the darkness for them.

[00:03:21] My parents passed it down to me. It's not like I built my own business from scratch.

[00:03:25] Three, as you sit with your friends, who are all talking about how unhappy they are in their relationships, you stay silent.

[00:03:32] You don't want to talk about how much you enjoy your relationship because that would make them feel even worse.

[00:03:38] Four, you just got offered a great promotion and you try to downplay it to your partner because your partner is facing a possible layoff.

[00:03:46] You don't want your partner to feel bad.

[00:03:48] There are endless ways that we play small so others don't feel insecure around us.

[00:03:53] Every single way we play small is wrong.

[00:03:56] Playing small does not serve us or those around us.

[00:04:00] There is a difference between being arrogant and rubbing other people's noses in our successes and simply sharing with them joy and excitement.

[00:04:09] It's important to remember that, quote,

[00:04:11] As we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

[00:04:17] End quote.

[00:04:17] Regardless of whether you are a man, woman, or child, stop playing small by minimizing your successes or being silent about your accomplishments.

[00:04:28] Be proud, excited, and comfortable with your accomplishments.

[00:04:32] Your true friends will rejoice with you.

[00:04:35] Challenge

[00:04:36] Are you playing small so others don't feel bad?

[00:04:39] If so, stop it.

[00:04:41] Pay attention to all the ways you minimize your successes and downplay your accomplishments.

[00:04:46] Start with one friend and share your successes.

[00:04:49] If they respond with jealousy, talk with them about their reaction and keep an eye on your reaction.

[00:04:59] Moving from Defensiveness to Accountability by Lisa Merlot Booth of lisamerlotbooth.com

[00:05:07] Defending your actions seems to have become the new in-thing to do in relationships these days.

[00:05:13] The problem, however, is that defensiveness absolutely kills relationships.

[00:05:17] One of the most common struggles individuals have is defensiveness.

[00:05:22] If your first response to someone's upset with you is to somehow brush it off, chances are you struggle with defensiveness.

[00:05:30] Defensiveness leaves the other person feeling unheard, dismissed, and often frustrated.

[00:05:35] Common forms of defensiveness include

[00:05:38] Explaining why you did what you did.

[00:05:40] For example, I was in a meeting and didn't notice the time.

[00:05:44] Getting angry or reactive when someone calls you out on your actions.

[00:05:48] For example, stop!

[00:05:50] I don't want to hear it!

[00:05:51] Geez!

[00:05:51] You're a real pill, you know that?

[00:05:53] Going on the offensive and spinning the blame to the other person.

[00:05:57] For example, there you go again!

[00:05:59] You are crazy!

[00:06:00] No one could live with you!

[00:06:03] Minimizing what you did and accusing the other person of making a big deal out of nothing.

[00:06:07] For example,

[00:06:09] Oh, M, gosh!

[00:06:10] It was just a joke!

[00:06:12] Don't be so sensitive!

[00:06:14] Defending what you did.

[00:06:15] For example,

[00:06:17] I was going to be late so I didn't have a choice.

[00:06:20] There are few things more frustrating than being with someone who refuses to be accountable.

[00:06:25] If you're constantly defending yourself, then you're not at all listening to the upset of the other person.

[00:06:31] Refusing to acknowledge how your actions impact others means you will likely repeat those actions.

[00:06:36] It also means that you're more concerned with covering your back than you are with being relational.

[00:06:41] Your inability to be accountable and repair means there are very few problems that can be resolved with you.

[00:06:47] Regardless of whether we're talking about work, marriage, friendship, or fill in the blank,

[00:06:54] defensiveness blocks solutions and undermines relationships.

[00:06:58] There is nothing strong about being unaccountable.

[00:07:01] No courage is involved in never admitting your mistakes.

[00:07:04] And there is nothing loving about refusing to repair the hurt your actions have caused others.

[00:07:10] The strongest, healthiest, and most courageous human beings are those who own their mistakes

[00:07:16] and do whatever is necessary to relationally fix the hurt or fallout that resulted.

[00:07:22] All human beings are imperfect.

[00:07:24] Every single person in the world makes mistakes.

[00:07:27] It is part of what makes us human.

[00:07:29] Pretending you don't make mistakes never fools people into believing you don't.

[00:07:34] It only teaches people that you're not strong enough to own up to them.

[00:07:38] Challenge

[00:07:39] Find the courage to be accountable for your mistakes.

[00:07:42] If someone tells you that something you did was upsetting, lead with fixing the situation,

[00:07:47] not spinning it and defending against it.

[00:07:49] Own your actions and repair any damage that was caused.

[00:07:57] You just listened to the posts titled,

[00:07:59] Self-Confidence in Relationships and Moving from Defensiveness to Accountability,

[00:08:04] both by Lisa Merlot Booth of lisamerlotbooth.com.

[00:08:09] A couple of wonderful posts today from Lisa which we thank her for.

[00:08:13] I have to say the first one really spoke to me as she was addressing something that I am very much guilty of as a people pleaser.

[00:08:19] I am constantly on the lookout for things that I feel could rub people the wrong way.

[00:08:24] And it's not just about successes, but the way I phrase things,

[00:08:28] the way and frequency in which I talk to certain people.

[00:08:31] It's something that can really pile up.

[00:08:33] And the big risk for people like myself is that we can run the risk of falling into one of the defensiveness traps

[00:08:40] Lisa mentioned in her second post.

[00:08:42] Why?

[00:08:43] Because we build up friction the more we have to stifle ourselves.

[00:08:47] Even if it's something we're willing to do and view it as an act of kindness.

[00:08:51] So don't think that these two posts are unrelated.

[00:08:54] And know that you can master both of their lessons by owning and celebrating who you are,

[00:09:00] whether it's a big success or an error that you need to fix.

[00:09:04] Broad lessons here today.

[00:09:05] We are going to wrap up so you can go off and put them into practice.

[00:09:08] As you might have guessed, I will be back tomorrow with more.

[00:09:11] So come on back and join me for another great piece of relationship content where your optimal life awaits.