2412: Why the Right One May Not Initially Look Like the Right One by Dr. Diana Kirschner of Love in 90 Days

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[00:00:30] Now before we start, you might want to check out our other podcasts covering topics like personal development and minimalism, money, health, relationships, and more. So to optimize your life in other areas, just search for Optimal Living Daily in your podcast app. Now onto the show.

[00:00:48] This is Optimal Relationships Daily, Why the Right One May Not Initially Look Like the Right One by Dr. Diana Kirschner of lovein90days.com.

[00:01:00] Have you noticed that the right one may not initially look like he's your soulmate? Well, you're not alone in that quandary. Here's the story of a successful doctor who couldn't seem to find the right one.

[00:01:11] Jen has dated endlessly. Jen is a cute 46-year-old dermatologist who has tried everything to find the right one. She's done online and app dating for years, asked friends to set her up, tried to smile at men she sees while out with friends.

[00:01:26] She's been to singles mixers and activities that tend to interest guys. She even took rock climbing lessons with the hope that she'd meet someone there.

[00:01:36] Jen has been on a lot of dates, and she's fallen hard for a few of those guys. The guys who looked like the right ones, but…

[00:01:44] Paul was a fellow doctor she met at a conference. He came on strong, then ghosted after two months.

[00:01:51] Simon, the lawyer she met on Tinder, wowed her with his confidence and charisma.

[00:01:56] Then, after three fun months, he got extra busy with work.

[00:02:00] Jorge seemed different. A venture capitalist from Mexico, she loved how caring and smart he was.

[00:02:07] And then, she discovered he had a live-in girlfriend.

[00:02:11] Yep, it's been an endless merry-go-round of dead-end relationships with guys who aren't totally available.

[00:02:17] On the verge of giving up, she recently enrolled in my dating and relationship coaching program to get some outside help.

[00:02:24] Because oftentimes, if what you're doing isn't working, there's likely a blind spot an expert will uncover.

[00:02:30] Something you don't know you could be doing which could make a big difference.

[00:02:33] As Socrates said, quote, you don't know what you don't know, end quote.

[00:02:40] Jen's Dead-End Dating Pattern

[00:02:42] After just one session, we honed in on the pattern that was keeping her stuck.

[00:02:48] Jen's type of guy was a major factor in keeping her single.

[00:02:52] She felt the most chemistry and attraction to guys who weren't emotionally available.

[00:02:57] Sure, many of the guys said they wanted a relationship, but their actions showed otherwise.

[00:03:02] They were mysterious and distant.

[00:03:04] Because dating what is most familiar is a hurdle that keeps so many women from finding true love.

[00:03:10] And it can be a very tricky habit to break.

[00:03:13] You see, your unconscious tends to be most drawn to the kinds of partners and relationship scenarios you are used to.

[00:03:19] This is a natural process that typically stems from your childhood experiences and early relationships.

[00:03:25] Your unconscious gravitates to what is most familiar and feels right.

[00:03:29] These are the guys you'll tend to feel the most attraction with from the start.

[00:03:34] Date Against Type to Find the Right One

[00:03:37] What is most familiar to you may not be ideal for you or even compatible with you in the long run.

[00:03:43] What feels right isn't necessarily right.

[00:03:46] That's why I highly encourage you to date against type.

[00:03:51] Even if you're not exactly blown away by a person at the first date, remember to stay open.

[00:03:56] If he's into you, meets the basics, and seems to be open to growing, go for at least a second or third date.

[00:04:03] You cannot know what secret goodies are hidden in someone just by meeting them once.

[00:04:07] You have to let a potential partner unfold and show you his different sides.

[00:04:12] If there's any connection with this person at all, give it another chance.

[00:04:16] Even if you feel there's no chemistry, chemistry can grow and happen in a heartbeat.

[00:04:21] Remember, you're breaking your deadly dating patterns,

[00:04:24] which have led you to be attracted to the types of guys who were not right for you.

[00:04:28] Love almost always comes in a surprise package.

[00:04:32] Most people do not end up with the kind of person they imagine for themselves.

[00:04:37] The woman who dates starving artists marries a rich, balding lawyer.

[00:04:40] One of my clients was deeply infatuated with a hot George Clooney lookalike.

[00:04:45] Of course, that went nowhere because he was a player.

[00:04:48] Through coaching and hard work, she later created a gem of a marriage

[00:04:52] with a short, plain guy who was her champion and a healing force of nature in her life.

[00:04:58] Dating against type is the equivalent of stepping outside your comfort zone.

[00:05:03] And when you step outside your comfort zone, exciting things can happen.

[00:05:07] Often when you're used to unavailable guys and blazing chemistry,

[00:05:12] dating a guy whose great partner material may feel like you just landed on a foreign planet.

[00:05:16] That's where everyone speaks a language you don't know,

[00:05:19] so you may find yourself analyzing him in the relationship to death.

[00:05:23] For example, you're thinking he's not

[00:05:26] fill-in-the-blank-with-a-physical-attribute

[00:05:28] such as thin, young, handsome, etc. enough.

[00:05:32] You may say he is too nice or boring,

[00:05:34] or you may be concerned he likes you too much,

[00:05:37] and you may feel scared.

[00:05:39] But please, let all that go and sit with it.

[00:05:43] Keep reminding yourself that what was familiar was only bringing you heartbreak.

[00:05:48] Focus instead on how you feel when you're with the guy.

[00:05:52] When you're dating the right one, you'll feel free to be yourself.

[00:05:55] You'll feel secure and happy.

[00:05:57] As for Jen, after two months of coaching,

[00:06:00] I am thrilled to say she's met two guys with great potential.

[00:06:04] Remarkably, they are totally different from what she's used to.

[00:06:07] Each is consistent and showers her with affection.

[00:06:10] One even brought her a nice necklace.

[00:06:12] Now she has a new problem.

[00:06:14] She has to decide between them.

[00:06:16] And I'm thrilled for her.

[00:06:22] You just listened to the post titled,

[00:06:24] Why the Right One May Not Initially Look Like the Right One,

[00:06:27] by Dr. Diana Kirshner of lovein90days.com

[00:06:32] A very good post from Dr. Diana today, which we thank her for.

[00:06:36] I think the information she's provided us with offers both simple answers

[00:06:40] and challenging ways to change the tide.

[00:06:43] Normally, if we're single for so long,

[00:06:45] many of us still choose to stick to the narrative that

[00:06:48] all the good ones are taken, nobody wants to commit anymore, whatever.

[00:06:52] At the core of this is a lack of willingness to take responsibility.

[00:06:56] So the simple yet elusive answer is that we must seek out what we,

[00:07:02] the common denominator from all the failed dates, are doing wrong.

[00:07:05] And that may very well be falling into the tendency

[00:07:08] to only date within our supposed type, as Dr. Diana said.

[00:07:12] So a very unique challenge to the situation is to shake up your approach.

[00:07:17] Do something different by giving different types of partners a chance.

[00:07:21] And try a few dates outside your type.

[00:07:23] It's interesting stuff that for some may feel oddly difficult.

[00:07:27] But what's the harm in at least trying?

[00:07:29] It's not normally a conscious decision we make,

[00:07:32] but it could turn out to be a good one.

[00:07:34] And with that, it is time to bring today's episode to a close.

[00:07:37] Thanks so much for listening, folks.

[00:07:39] And you know I'll be back tomorrow where we'll start the parenting leg of the week.

[00:07:42] So don't miss out.

[00:07:43] I'll catch you all there where your optimal life awaits.

[00:07:46] Thank you.