2417: 4 Steps to Help Your Highly Sensitive Child With Separation Anxiety by Kelly Eden with Highly Sensitive Refuge

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[00:00:30] This is Optimal Relationships Daily, 4 Steps to Help Your Highly Sensitive Child With Separation Anxiety by Kelly Eden of HighlySensitiveRefuge.com

[00:00:42] I arrive with a crying 4-year-old attached to my leg, stressed, exhausted, and feeling like I am the worst parent in the world. Everyone else's children are already at preschool, not crying, not clinging to a leg.

[00:00:54] She doesn't want to come, I say to a teacher, desperately hoping she has a magic pill that makes my child turn into one of the other happily playing, well-adjusted children around me.

[00:01:05] Yes, we could hear her screaming in the parking lot.

[00:01:08] She gives me a look. I feel like she's just handed me my parenting grade, and it's an F.

[00:01:14] Hmm, can I crawl into a hole now?

[00:01:16] Your crying, clinging, highly sensitive child is normal.

[00:01:21] I know now, I wish someone had told me then, that I'm not the only parent who has experienced this.

[00:01:28] Separation anxiety is incredibly normal and healthy in children, even up to the age of 7.

[00:01:33] Our children are attached to us.

[00:01:36] They rely on us.

[00:01:37] So, for them to get upset when we leave is very normal.

[00:01:40] But at that time, it felt terrible.

[00:01:43] It felt like I was causing my child very real emotional harm.

[00:01:47] But, in fact, if we deal with it well, it can do the opposite.

[00:01:51] Instead of causing them harm, separation anxiety can help kids.

[00:01:56] It can develop resilience, self-esteem, and coping skills.

[00:02:00] Times of separation give them a chance to practice dealing with stress and anxiety.

[00:02:05] It teaches them, I can cope with this.

[00:02:08] That screaming, crying, highly sensitive child attached to our ankles is learning that they are a person who can handle what life throws at them.

[00:02:16] That you trust them to cope.

[00:02:19] Why many highly sensitive children have separation anxiety.

[00:02:23] Both of my youngest children hated leaving my side.

[00:02:27] My 8-year-old still has a bit of trouble.

[00:02:29] The screaming lessened to complaining as they got older, but they definitely struggled a lot with separation anxiety.

[00:02:36] Once, my Lula hid under a desk crying at preschool for over 30 minutes after I left.

[00:02:42] I almost gave up on preschool a number of times.

[00:02:45] My kids weren't even going that often.

[00:02:47] Three half days a week maximum.

[00:02:49] I persevered because I needed the time out.

[00:02:52] I wanted them to have social interactions and make friends.

[00:02:55] And because they always loved it afterwards.

[00:02:58] When I picked them up, they never wanted to leave.

[00:03:00] So, why all the fuss at the start?

[00:03:03] My kids are older now, and I've learned a few things about them.

[00:03:07] One of those is that both of my youngest daughters are in the 15-20% of the population who are considered highly sensitive.

[00:03:14] High sensitivity is not a negative thing.

[00:03:17] It's a normal personality trait.

[00:03:19] Highly sensitive people feel their emotions very strongly.

[00:03:23] They have a bit more difficulty dealing with change and loud, busy environments.

[00:03:27] And they're very affected by things others might not be bothered by.

[00:03:31] Movies or TV shows can be difficult for them.

[00:03:34] Even the slightest scary or violent scene, even in G-rated movies, can start my girls screaming,

[00:03:41] Turn it off!

[00:03:42] Highly sensitive children are in tune with others' feelings and can be very observant.

[00:03:47] They'll be the ones that notice when you're sad and give you a hug.

[00:03:50] They get really upset by kids being mean to each other.

[00:03:53] My daughter, Little, talked for months about some boys at preschool that called another child names.

[00:03:58] She was highly offended.

[00:04:00] Highly sensitive children are the ones that grow up to defend the weak and point out the injustices in the world.

[00:04:07] They are the ones that notice beauty in things and think deeply.

[00:04:10] They're pretty amazing people.

[00:04:13] Four steps to help your highly sensitive child at drop-off.

[00:04:17] So what can we do to help our sensitive kids settle in better?

[00:04:21] Number one, acknowledge their feelings but don't let them control your behavior.

[00:04:26] You're sad because you want me to stay.

[00:04:28] I'll be back in two hours.

[00:04:30] I can't wait to hear what you did today.

[00:04:32] You are the adult.

[00:04:34] You control what happens, not them.

[00:04:36] Kids will try to keep you there and control you by crying, screaming, begging, and clinging.

[00:04:41] However, they actually feel safer when we are in control.

[00:04:46] Number two, make it normal.

[00:04:48] I know you have a hard time with goodbyes.

[00:04:51] I love that you're such a cuddly boy.

[00:04:53] Can't wait to see you again when I pick you up.

[00:04:55] Smile and give your child a quick hug.

[00:04:58] Number three, leave quickly and confidently.

[00:05:02] Ignore their pleas to keep you there and trust that they will be okay.

[00:05:06] Number four, don't sneak away.

[00:05:09] Always say, bye, see you soon.

[00:05:12] Sneaking away can make kids more clingy next time.

[00:05:15] Four stages your child will move through.

[00:05:18] So that you can be confident that they are okay, there are four stages of separation anxiety

[00:05:24] for you to be aware of.

[00:05:25] If your child is happy when you pick them up, then you know they have moved through these

[00:05:29] stages.

[00:05:30] The protest stage.

[00:05:32] Screaming, crying, and complaining to try to keep you there.

[00:05:35] The despair stage.

[00:05:37] Usually after you leave, they might drop to the floor, hide, or cry.

[00:05:41] The adjustment stage.

[00:05:43] They calm down.

[00:05:44] And the emotional detachment stage.

[00:05:47] They get engaged in a game, toy, or talking with someone.

[00:05:50] When I picked up my girls, they were happy to see me.

[00:05:54] They'd race around telling and showing me what they'd been up to.

[00:05:57] They were fine.

[00:05:58] No emotional damage done.

[00:05:59] By treating our children to move through these stages, we allow them to cope with the stress

[00:06:06] well and head towards becoming the resilient, confident adults we want them to eventually

[00:06:11] be.

[00:06:11] And we get an A in parenting.

[00:06:14] Well done us.

[00:06:15] So the next time they make a fuss, cling, and cry, have a quiet smile to yourself.

[00:06:21] Here's a chance for your wonderful, highly sensitive child to learn and grow.

[00:06:25] So acknowledge their feelings, say goodbye, and then get out of there fast.

[00:06:33] You just listened to the post titled,

[00:06:36] Four Steps to Help Your Highly Sensitive Child with Separation Anxiety,

[00:06:40] by Kelly Eden of HighlySensitiveRefuge.com.

[00:06:44] Wonderful stuff from Kelly today out of Highly Sensitive Refuge.

[00:06:48] Some wonderful tips for parents to not only calm their children, but understand them as well.

[00:06:53] I really enjoyed her list of strategies to deploy a drop-off, and if I may supplement them,

[00:06:59] I might recommend two more.

[00:07:01] First, remind your children of the bond that you have with them.

[00:07:05] Ask them,

[00:07:06] Have I ever put you in an unsafe position before?

[00:07:08] Why would I drop you off in a bad place when you know that I love you?

[00:07:12] These questions remind them that they can trust you and that you have their best interests at heart.

[00:07:17] And second, it's really not a bad idea to offer them something on the other side.

[00:07:22] Telling them that if they behave and tough it out, or try to make a friend,

[00:07:26] that they'll get some ice cream or something like that.

[00:07:28] And this may sound like bribery, but don't think of it that way.

[00:07:32] One of the best motivators even for adults to tackle new habits is to have a reward on the other side.

[00:07:37] This doesn't have to be a lasting thing, just once or twice until they like school on their own.

[00:07:42] So with that being said, I do have to wrap it up now.

[00:07:46] But if you're real brave and can be tough for 24 hours,

[00:07:49] then I'll give you an ice cream cone in tomorrow's episode.

[00:07:52] Good job.

[00:07:53] Okay, now I'm sure you really want me to leave.

[00:07:55] My friends, thank you so much for being here.

[00:07:57] I had fun, I learned, and I hope you can say the same thing.

[00:08:00] I will be back with more for you tomorrow, where your optimal life awaits.