2419: Living In An Antisocial Society by Kristena Eden of Core Living Essentials on Challenges of Making Friends

[00:00:00] Now before we start, you might want to check out our other podcasts covering topics like personal development and minimalism, money, health, relationships, and more. So to optimize your life in other areas, just search for Optimal Living Daily in your podcast app. Now onto the show.

[00:00:18] This is Optimal Relationships Daily, Living in an Antisocial Society by Kristina Eden of CoreLivingEssentials.com

[00:00:29] Question. We have moved a few times in the past and usually have a lot of friends, but in our new location we have a hard time finding friends. We are labeled and uninvited to gatherings. We hear rumors about our family. We are told to our face and online that we do not belong. We tried a lot of different things to change this, but I feel we are just different than most of the people in our new life.

[00:00:53] Is it just us? What can we do to really feel we belong?

[00:00:59] Answer.

[00:01:00] We do live in a time where so many people are more mobile. It may be because of the refugee movement, or it could be that we live in a more mobile lifestyle than there has been in recent history.

[00:01:11] But we are complex people, and no real single reason exists for being without friends or not being accepted into a new society. So to keep this short, we will just hit on a few ideas and share some possible solutions in order to perhaps find a solution or even an acceptance of reality.

[00:01:29] A couple of things to consider are, what part of the problem are we? Or is it just that others lack the understanding or ability? Others may not have the skills, time, or energy to include new people into their circle.

[00:01:44] Shaming Privately or Publicly

[00:01:46] We live in a time when we can and maybe have been shamed or humiliated in public or private. Our society at times struggles with that thin line of just having fun or making serious accusations.

[00:01:58] We can feel this shame at such a deep level because we are bombarded with social media, the radio, TV, and gossip. With all of the ease of publicity, we risk losing our reputation and respectability almost instantaneously.

[00:02:14] Our standing can fall so fast that we have no opportunity to share who we really are before our good reputation is gone.

[00:02:22] We even have a name for this type of risk and abuse. Cyberbullying and harassment.

[00:02:27] We have all felt the emptiness of wanting to belong and feeling that something is wrong and life can become unbearable.

[00:02:34] At times, we believe that people have little compassion and concern. The consequences can be irreversible because humiliation is a much stronger emotion than either happiness or even anger.

[00:02:47] Stop. Do you feel it? The depression or weight of such a thought process?

[00:02:52] Here is the time that we need to take a step backwards and reevaluate the situation and ourselves.

[00:02:59] We are all in this world together, and we all share the same fears and the same struggles and the same need to belong.

[00:03:06] We are all more than just our online reputation or more than what we may even appear.

[00:03:12] If we do not take the opportunity to get to know people and look for the good in them, we may never know if they could be our new best friends.

[00:03:21] They just may have what is missing in our lives.

[00:03:24] It is okay to speak our mind in a loving, kind way.

[00:03:28] And it is okay to listen and learn to love and accept people, not because of their mistakes, but because they are human, just like us.

[00:03:36] We are all the same value. We have more alike than we have different.

[00:03:43] Perception.

[00:03:44] How many times do we think that everyone else is already in a closed group of friends?

[00:03:49] The lonelier a person is, the more he or she tends to only notice extroverted people who have fun any place or any time.

[00:03:58] Funny how we are one-sided sometimes.

[00:04:00] Somehow our mind becomes blind to all others who may be as lonely or even lonelier than we are.

[00:04:06] According to the Journal of Nature Neuroscience, it reveals that being lonely and isolated for too long does change the brain.

[00:04:15] And prolonged loneliness can change the brain to make one more antisocial.

[00:04:20] But our brain can be changed back when we socialize again.

[00:04:23] Gwyneth Paltrow told about her experience in a film she made.

[00:04:26] She had to wear this very convincing and extreme fat suit.

[00:04:30] She said later that she wore it out in public a few times.

[00:04:33] And she commented at how invisible she felt.

[00:04:37] No one said hello.

[00:04:38] No one made eye contact.

[00:04:40] How many people live a life of quiet desolation?

[00:04:43] Yes, there are those groups who have their established circle.

[00:04:46] And no matter how you try, you cannot buy your way into it.

[00:04:50] In reality, do you want to be part of that group?

[00:04:53] Everyone is craving for more close and loyal friends.

[00:04:57] So don't be envious or disappointed by that group's appearance.

[00:05:00] Easy to say, right?

[00:05:01] You may want to consider some of the following ideas in your own perception.

[00:05:06] Did friends hurt you in the past?

[00:05:08] Are you viewing these pains as scars or your classroom?

[00:05:12] What new skills do you need to learn?

[00:05:14] New customs?

[00:05:15] New food?

[00:05:15] New social norms?

[00:05:18] Disappointment.

[00:05:18] It is common for someone to get psyched about a social event and then quickly get discouraged

[00:05:24] or very disappointed because others aren't very responsive or they even give off negative vibes.

[00:05:29] You really can't count on just one social interaction to decide if it is really a negative experience.

[00:05:36] They may just be having a bad day.

[00:05:38] You have two choices to make in these interactions.

[00:05:41] They are really out to make you miserable.

[00:05:43] They are struggling with some of the same fears you are.

[00:05:47] If you really know that they do not want to be friends,

[00:05:50] then you can still choose to be happy and look elsewhere for a friendship.

[00:05:54] You do not have to choose a thinking process that is destroying your own self-worth.

[00:05:59] Do not make a guess that is not to your own best interest.

[00:06:04] Reasonable Expectations

[00:06:06] One big realization we need to be aware of is that we are the new people here,

[00:06:11] and we should not expect people and places to be the same.

[00:06:15] The world and its people are beautiful in part due to the amazing variety.

[00:06:20] The second expectation is cruelty and non-acceptance of others is nothing new.

[00:06:26] A reasonable expectation might even be that you know there will be some differences.

[00:06:31] Be aware of that when you are moving to a new location.

[00:06:34] Do some research about the customs, or the food, the schools, the local laws,

[00:06:39] and maybe even the social norm expectations.

[00:06:42] A third expectation point to remember is that every one of us has differing abilities.

[00:06:48] There really are people out there that are not capable of reaching out and loving others outside

[00:06:53] of their own circle of family and friends.

[00:06:55] They may be the ones that need a friendly hello from us.

[00:06:59] Confucius tells us,

[00:07:00] The expectations of life depend upon diligence.

[00:07:04] The mechanic that would perfect his work must first sharpen his tools.

[00:07:09] Questions to ask yourself

[00:07:11] Am I asking something of someone else that I would not do myself?

[00:07:15] Am I prepared and willing to understand and act without expecting a return?

[00:07:20] In order to have someone care about you, you must first care about them.

[00:07:24] Find peace in the fact that you did what you could, even if it is not reciprocated.

[00:07:29] Your value does not depend on their ability to be a friend.

[00:07:33] Remember that a really good friend is one who will kindly let you know when you need to make an adjustment.

[00:07:39] Listen and evaluate your own thought process.

[00:07:42] Are you the one that needs to make the adjustment?

[00:07:45] Or are you the one who needs to let it go?

[00:07:47] Or in a loving way, do you need to address the issue?

[00:07:54] You just listened to the post titled,

[00:07:57] Living in an Antisocial Society,

[00:07:59] by Christina Eden of CoreLivingEssentials.com

[00:08:03] And a big thanks to Christina for this great article today.

[00:08:07] Really a multifaceted piece from her that I think offers value to anyone pre- or post-move.

[00:08:12] Or really anyone who's struggling to make friends.

[00:08:15] Surely this can be a difficult process sometimes,

[00:08:17] but I agree with her in that, in addition to managing expectations,

[00:08:22] we must first turn to ourselves and try to take an objective look at whether or not we're behaving in a way

[00:08:28] that we can reasonably expect to be reciprocated.

[00:08:32] If someone approached us as we were approaching them, would we be alright with it?

[00:08:36] What are these people used to that I'm shaking up and can I be patient with that?

[00:08:40] Are there common criticisms coming from a lot of people that I'm dismissing?

[00:08:44] We can always turn the light on ourselves like this to build self-awareness

[00:08:48] and better our chances at building relationships as well.

[00:08:52] Yet, you could imagine we often fail to do it.

[00:08:54] Dare we reveal that we might be more off-putting than we once thought.

[00:08:58] The terror.

[00:08:59] Thanks for being here today, everyone.

[00:09:01] Time to go, though.

[00:09:02] But you know I will be right back with you tomorrow.

[00:09:04] So, I hope you'll join me there in the AM.

[00:09:06] That's where your optimal life awaits.