2423: The 11 Life Lessons It Turns Out I've Taught My Six Kids by Leo Babauta of Zen Habits on Mindfulness, Patience, and Simplicity

[00:00:00] This is Optimal Relationships Daily, the 11 life lessons it turns out Ive taught my six kids by Leo Babauta of ZenHabits.net.

[00:00:11] On my 46th birthday recently, my mostly adult kids wrote out a list of lessons I'd taught each of them in their lives so far. Each wrote their own list, and my wife Eva sweetly put them together in a notebook.

[00:00:23] As I read through them, I felt like crying. It's so incredibly touching that they appreciate what I've been trying to pass on to them, things I've been learning and want them to understand.

[00:00:34] As a father, there are few things more meaningful than to see how you've helped your kids through your example and talks over the years.

[00:00:42] We have a mixed family of six kids, aging from 13 years old to 26 years, and all of them are wonderful human beings.

[00:00:49] It turns out, there were some lessons that all or most of the kids put on their list, which I'm going to share with you here.

[00:00:57] These lessons they had in common made me wonder if these were the more powerful lessons, or if they were simply the ones I talked about the most.

[00:01:04] So, here they are, roughly ordered in how frequently they showed up on my kids' lists.

[00:01:10] 1. Don't be afraid to make mistakes, and it's okay to fail

[00:01:14] This was tied, with the next one, as the most common lesson on their lists. It made all their lists, I think.

[00:01:20] I really love that this lesson hit home with them.

[00:01:23] 2. Have empathy and try to see things from others' perspectives

[00:01:28] This was the other lesson on all their lists, and again, it's beautiful that they all took this to heart.

[00:01:34] I've tried to show them this through my actions, though of course, I'm not at all perfect.

[00:01:39] 3. Push out of your comfort zone

[00:01:42] This is another one I've tried to teach by example, from running several marathons and an ultramarathon,

[00:01:48] to doing things that scare me, like speaking on stage or writing books.

[00:01:52] This lesson is so important to me.

[00:01:55] 4. Don't spend more than you have

[00:01:58] This is such a simple idea, but one that is rarely followed.

[00:02:02] I'm glad my kids are starting out with this mindset. Live within your means, save as much as you can.

[00:02:08] 5. Appreciate what you have and enjoy where you are right now

[00:02:12] I love this one. It's something that I try to embody, but also remind them when they are thinking about what they don't have.

[00:02:19] Each time we're stuck in complaint, it's an opportunity to wake up to the beauty that's in front of us.

[00:02:25] 6. Sadness is a part of life, and there's nothing wrong with feeling it.

[00:02:29] Despite what I said in the previous item, it's okay to feel sadness, pain, grief, frustration, anxiety, anger.

[00:02:37] In fact, most of us never want to feel those things, so we'll do whatever we can to ignore them or get away from the feelings.

[00:02:45] Instead, I try to actually feel those things, as an experience. It teaches me about struggle.

[00:02:52] If we're not willing to face our own struggles, how can we be there for others when they struggle?

[00:02:57] 7. Don't give up just because something gets hard

[00:03:01] As new adults, our four oldest kids are facing various struggles in new ways.

[00:03:06] This is part of growth, of course, but struggles never feel good.

[00:03:10] My job as dad has been to encourage them not to give up just because it's hard, to keep going, and to use the struggle to grow.

[00:03:18] 8. But don't overwork yourself

[00:03:21] That said, I am not a fan of overwork.

[00:03:24] I believe the brain doesn't function well if you keep studying or working past the point of exhaustion.

[00:03:30] So, I try to teach them about taking breaks, resting, going outside, and moving.

[00:03:36] 9. It's okay to be weird in public

[00:03:38] Have fun. I'm not sure why several of them had this on their list.

[00:03:42] They must have learned to be weird from someone else.

[00:03:45] Okay, in truth, they may have gotten it from my tendency to dance and skip with them while we're walking around in a city,

[00:03:52] or to encourage us all to do weird things as a group, no matter what other people might think.

[00:03:57] 10. Your reality is a reflection of the narrative you tell yourself

[00:04:01] This is something I learned late in life, and I'm glad my kids are learning this.

[00:04:06] The good news is that you can learn to drop that narrative if it leads to suffering.

[00:04:11] What would this moment be like without a narrative?

[00:04:13] Beautiful and free.

[00:04:15] 11. Make people laugh

[00:04:17] It makes their day brighter.

[00:04:19] I'm so happy they picked up this important lesson from me.

[00:04:23] With my kids, I'm mostly always joking, except for when I get too serious about teaching them an important lesson.

[00:04:29] The rest of the time, I try to take a lighthearted approach.

[00:04:32] I love my kids with all my heart, and it has been a privilege to be their dad.

[00:04:38] I take 10% of the credit and give the rest to their moms, grandparents, and themselves.

[00:04:44] Also, from them, I've learned some lessons that are just as important.

[00:04:49] 1. Kids deserve to be heard, to be listened to, to be respected.

[00:04:54] I started out as a dad with the idea that what I say goes, and they just need to listen to me.

[00:04:59] But, over the years, I've learned to listen to them, and treat them as I'd want to be treated.

[00:05:05] 2. Kids have tender hearts that hurt when you aren't kind to them.

[00:05:10] As a young dad, my frustrations and insecurities led me to angry bursts of scolding, yelling, spanking.

[00:05:16] I've grown since then, but most importantly, I've learned to see the tenderness of their hearts,

[00:05:22] and how it hurts to be yelled at by someone they trust and love so much.

[00:05:25] I am much more gentle with those hearts these days.

[00:05:29] 3. I should relax and not take myself so seriously.

[00:05:33] Whenever I think too much of myself, my kids humble me.

[00:05:37] Whenever I get too serious, my kids laugh at me.

[00:05:40] I love that playful reminder to loosen up.

[00:05:43] 4. Dads are goofy, dorky, uncool.

[00:05:48] And that's how we should be.

[00:05:49] I sometimes harbor the notion that I can be a cool dad.

[00:05:53] When I try to break out newish slang or reference a meme, my kids will tease me about it.

[00:05:58] When I break out a joke or pun that I think is hilarious, they'll laugh, while rolling their eyes and calling it a dad joke.

[00:06:05] So, I've learned to just embrace my uncoolness and be myself with them.

[00:06:10] 5. All they need is love.

[00:06:13] There are lots of things to stress out about as parents, and nowadays we tend to obsess about getting everything right with our kids.

[00:06:20] But really, we're stressing about it too much.

[00:06:23] All the details are just details.

[00:06:26] There's only one thing that really matters.

[00:06:28] They want you to love them, and to receive their love.

[00:06:32] That's all.

[00:06:33] Feed them, clothe them, shelter them, educate them, sure.

[00:06:37] But beyond that, they just want you to love them.

[00:06:40] Drop everything that gets in the way of that, and let it come out as simply and clearly as you can.

[00:06:49] You just listened to the post titled,

[00:06:51] The 11 Life Lessons It Turns Out I've Taught My Six Kids, by Leo Babauta of zenhabits.net

[00:06:59] Now, I absolutely loved this read today from Leo, and wow, I mean,

[00:07:03] imagine having kids that actually take the time to reflect on and acknowledge the life lessons that their parents taught them.

[00:07:09] Such a privilege as a parent.

[00:07:11] I love everything that he's passed on to his children, as well as what they've taught him.

[00:07:15] If I might expand on just one, though, it would be number six, about embracing sadness.

[00:07:21] I feel this is extremely pertinent right now, and it goes beyond sadness, really.

[00:07:25] It can be any unpleasant feeling, jealousy, boredom, dissatisfaction, etc.

[00:07:30] Though we all might agree and tell others that it's okay to feel these things,

[00:07:35] this is not often a truth that we live by.

[00:07:38] And unfortunately, those who are interested in self-development are highly susceptible to fall victim to it.

[00:07:44] Surely there are many people in this industry sharing conflicting messages.

[00:07:48] And the sad reality is that many of the most popular influencers try to hype people up with phrases like,

[00:07:55] no time for weakness, always be confident, find success at all costs, drop your limiting beliefs.

[00:08:01] You know, these are all pretty bad attempts at motivation,

[00:08:04] but they are appetizing enough to get us to believe in them from time to time,

[00:08:09] because they are offering us a sense of possibility that you can quickly transport yourself out of a negative state of mind.

[00:08:16] Just know that making true progress is a long and worthy journey,

[00:08:20] and it's much harder if you're looking for shortcuts and not honoring each stage that you're at along the way.

[00:08:26] So pinpoint your bad feelings, accept them, explore them, and they will gradually lose their power.

[00:08:32] That's my spiel.

[00:08:33] That is enough out of me, though.

[00:08:34] I'm going to get out of your hair and let you go enjoy this weekend.

[00:08:37] I thank you for being here all week, my friends.

[00:08:39] Go get some R&R these next few days,

[00:08:42] and be sure to come back tomorrow, where your optimal life awaits.