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Episode 2425:
This thought-provoking piece explores the distinction between pain and suffering, emphasizing that while pain is a natural part of life, suffering is shaped by how we respond to challenges. With insights on shifting perspective and embracing resilience, it offers actionable wisdom to transform adversity into growth.
Read along with the original article(s) here: https://www.thinklessandgrowrich.com/pain-is-inevitable-suffering-is-optional/
Quotes to ponder:
"Suffering is what we add to pain by resisting it, denying it, or attaching to it in unhealthy ways."
"Pain tells us something has changed; it’s a signal, not a sentence."
"You can’t control the storm, but you can choose how to navigate through it."
Episode references:
Man's Search for Meaning: https://www.amazon.com/Mans-Search-Meaning-Viktor-Frankl/dp/080701429X
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[00:00:00] Now before we start, you might want to check out our other podcasts covering topics like personal development and minimalism, money, health, relationships, and more. So to optimize your life in other areas, just search for Optimal Living Daily in your podcast app. Now on to the show.
[00:00:18] This is Optimal Relationships Daily. Pain is Inevitable. Suffering is Optional by Richard Patterson of ThinkLessAndGrowRich.com
[00:00:29] It's not your thoughts, feelings, or situations that create suffering in your life. It's the thoughts you have about them. If you're familiar with the teachings of mindfulness or Buddhism, you may have come across the expression, pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. But what does it mean? You'd think that suffering is a perfectly normal response to experiencing pain, wouldn't you? That the two are synonymous.
[00:00:52] According to Buddhist wisdom, however, there is a fundamental difference between them, the understanding of which can remove a lot of self-created and unnecessary suffering from our lives. Although painful experiences are inevitable and beyond our control, suffering is to a large extent determined by our attitude, by the way we look upon and react to the difficulties that arise in our lives. Let's take a closer look.
[00:01:20] Chasing Butterflies and Swatting Flies
[00:01:22] Most people's primary motive in life is to chase after pleasant and rewarding experiences, whilst trying to avoid unpleasant ones as much as possible. We have a strong attachment to things being a certain way, and suffer when our experiences in life don't match our wishes, desires, and preferences.
[00:01:42] In her book, what's in the way is the way, author Mary O'Malley paints the image of a person standing in a beautiful meadow, with a butterfly net in one hand and a fly swatter in the other.
[00:01:54] Most of us are so preoccupied with chasing butterflies, security, sensory pleasure, approval, etc., and swatting away the flies of rejection, loss, or defeat, that we fail to notice the beautiful valley we find ourselves in.
[00:02:11] On a piano, both the black and white keys are needed to play a tune. The symphony of life is just the same. Life is a play of dark and light. When we reject the shadow aspects, we cut ourselves off from the full experience of being alive.
[00:02:28] The difference between pain and suffering. Pain is indeed inevitable. If you inhabit a human body, you are going to get sick, you're going to be rejected or treated unfairly, people close to you will die, your business may go bust, your house may burn down.
[00:02:46] Ups and downs are an unavoidable part of life, and it can really hurt. So, what's the difference between pain and suffering?
[00:02:54] Suffering is created when we reject the painful experiences in life and think they shouldn't be happening, when we look upon them as bad or wrong, rather than a natural and inevitable function of life.
[00:03:07] First, we experience the pain of what is happening, which is totally natural. And then, through our resistance, we pile on layers of additional suffering.
[00:03:16] We add the fuel of non-acceptance to the fire of pain and produce a self-created inferno.
[00:03:23] What begins as a painful experience becomes full-blown suffering through our unconscious reaction to it.
[00:03:30] The Buddhists have a word for this. Second arrow.
[00:03:34] First and second arrow.
[00:03:36] The Buddha likened life's painful experiences to being pierced by an arrow.
[00:03:41] When you get hit by an arrow, it hurts. There's no getting around that.
[00:03:44] What we then typically do, however, is to shoot a self-inflicted second arrow into ourselves as an unconscious reaction to the first.
[00:03:54] We resist the painful experience, label it as bad or wrong, ruminate on how awful it feels, wallow in the pain, curse our bad luck, worry that it will never stop, feel sorry for ourselves,
[00:04:06] and generally pile a whole load of added suffering and misery on top of the pain that's already there.
[00:04:12] I'll give you a common example that comes up frequently when I coach clients.
[00:04:17] Let's say someone is having self-critical thoughts, something that most of us experience.
[00:04:21] The fact that these thoughts exist in your head is an example of a first arrow.
[00:04:27] You don't choose them, they appear by themselves.
[00:04:30] What typically happens then is that the thoughts trigger an automatic inner dialogue.
[00:04:36] This is bad. There's something wrong with me. I hate having these thoughts. I want them to go away.
[00:04:41] I'm never going to experience peace. I can't live like this.
[00:04:45] When will I ever be happy?
[00:04:47] This knee-jerk commentary is second arrow, and unlike the initial pain, it is self-created and unnecessary.
[00:04:57] The first arrow is pain and the second is suffering.
[00:05:00] Anyone can learn through awareness to stop adding suffering to the original pain.
[00:05:06] Here's what the Buddha has to say about the second arrow.
[00:05:33] Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.
[00:05:39] Between stimulus and response, there is a space.
[00:05:42] In that space is our power to choose our response.
[00:05:46] And our response lies our growth and our freedom.
[00:05:50] End quote.
[00:05:51] That's by Viktor Frankl.
[00:05:53] While it's impossible to go through life without experiencing pain,
[00:05:57] how we respond is in our own hands.
[00:06:00] Viktor Frankl, psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor,
[00:06:03] recognize the power and freedom that lies in being able to choose our response.
[00:06:08] What's the difference between reacting and responding?
[00:06:11] Reactions are automatic and unconscious.
[00:06:14] They happen on autopilot.
[00:06:16] Responses flow from awareness and are more measured and intentional.
[00:06:20] When you are aware of your own role in creating suffering for yourself,
[00:06:24] you are free to respond differently.
[00:06:27] Pain is inevitable.
[00:06:28] Suffering is optional.
[00:06:30] What happens when you drop the second arrow?
[00:06:33] Let's look at the previous example of self-critical thoughts.
[00:06:37] With awareness comes the freedom to choose your response.
[00:06:40] Instead of kicking, screaming, and fighting against what is already there anyway,
[00:06:45] you can choose to
[00:06:46] Step back and watch the mind without judgment.
[00:06:50] Drop your resistance slash give the thoughts permission to be there.
[00:06:54] Challenge the thoughts and question whether they are true or not.
[00:06:57] And observe the tendency to indulge in second arrow thinking and choose not to.
[00:07:03] All of these steps will stop you from adding additional suffering to what you're already experiencing.
[00:07:08] In general, the less resistance we offer to the experiences that life brings our way,
[00:07:14] the more peace we experience.
[00:07:16] What you resist persists.
[00:07:18] Most of what we experience is beyond our control anyway.
[00:07:21] So, we may as well work with what life gives us, rather than fight against it.
[00:07:31] You just listened to the post titled,
[00:07:33] Pain is inevitable.
[00:07:35] Suffering is optional.
[00:07:37] By Richard Patterson of thinklessandgrowrich.com
[00:07:41] And a big thanks to Richard for providing this refreshing reminder today.
[00:07:45] A little bit more about him.
[00:07:47] He is an ex-monk, meditation teacher, transformational coach,
[00:07:51] and author of two books,
[00:07:53] Kick the Thinking Habit and Awaken the Happy You.
[00:07:55] And after almost four decades of spiritual exploration and self-discovery,
[00:08:00] it's now his passion to share with others
[00:08:03] some of the spiritual nuggets he's unearthed along the way.
[00:08:06] For the past 20 years,
[00:08:08] he's been helping people find more peace,
[00:08:10] joy, and inner freedom
[00:08:11] to wake up to a richer, deeper,
[00:08:14] more spiritually connected experience of life.
[00:08:16] And surely one of the finest ways of doing that
[00:08:19] is to help others identify and focus on that which they can control,
[00:08:23] which he has done a great job of today,
[00:08:25] with a little help from one of the Buddha's greatest and most famous lessons.
[00:08:29] So, I'll let you ponder that.
[00:08:31] Ponder the steps you can take in between thought and action.
[00:08:34] Certainly a great note to start a new week on.
[00:08:36] Have a great rest of your day, everybody.
[00:08:38] Enjoy what's left of the weekend.
[00:08:40] And I will be back with you tomorrow with a post
[00:08:42] from Evan Mark Katz.
[00:08:44] That's where your optimal life awaits.
[00:08:46] For that degree it gives outlaughter.
[00:08:46] Let's go to the service of leisten.
[00:08:46] While doing none of the working practices in the internet
[00:08:46] If you are able to review some wonderful people
[00:08:46] Give me really quick pool together