2426: Do You Think About a Future Before There's a Present by Evan Marc Katz on Projecting while Dating

[00:00:00] Now before we start, you might want to check out our other podcasts covering topics like personal development and minimalism, money, health, relationships, and more. So to optimize your life in other areas, just search for Optimal Living Daily in your podcast app. Now on to the show.

[00:00:18] This is Optimal Relationships Daily. Do You Think About a Future Before There's a Present by Evan Marc Katz of EvanMarcKatz.com

[00:00:28] Have you ever gone on a really great date and instantly started thinking about the future? I'm not talking about signing his last name with your first name or picturing what your kids will look like. I'm talking about the short-term future. The second you start feeling something for him, your unconscious thoughts begin to arise. But don't worry, you can change. Will he get along with my family? Is he financially stable? Does he have a good relationship with his mom, his sister?

[00:00:57] His sister and his exes? I hope he's good in bed. Is he a keeper? I hope he doesn't disappoint me. Where is this going? I don't want to waste my time. Sorry if I just read your mind. It's just that I have women confessing this sort of thing to me all the time. Putting your future first is sabotaging your ability to form strong connections and causing you to get hurt unnecessarily. But don't worry, you can change.

[00:01:24] My advice may sound logical, but I want to acknowledge one important thing. It's hard to help yourself when it comes to the passion of new love. In the cold world of being single, with so many random dates, with so many awkward guys, it's thrilling when you finally find a guy who excites you. But what happens when you get too excited about a new guy? Well, look at your past. Most of the time, your excitement is premature.

[00:01:50] The guy turns out to be a total flake or a selfish jerk. The guy turns out to have issues that are a big turnoff. The guy turns out to be Mr. Right now, but definitely not Mr. Right.

[00:02:01] You couldn't have known this on exciting date number one. But history tells us that most of the time, things aren't as rosy as they seem.

[00:02:10] I feel very strongly that a man isn't real until he's your boyfriend. He has to be exclusive with you before you get too excited. Otherwise, you set yourself up for repeated heartbreaks.

[00:02:21] This post is to warn you about taking the opposite tack, assuming that things are going to go wrong sooner than later.

[00:02:29] It's not an unfair premise. 99 out of 100 guys are not your future husband.

[00:02:35] But what happens when you're going into the date with that mindset?

[00:02:39] The first thing you start thinking is, don't waste my time.

[00:02:43] And to protect yourself from investing your time in a guy who, statistically speaking, will probably not be your husband,

[00:02:50] you go into full interrogation mode. You start probing about his former relationships.

[00:02:56] You subtly feel around for a sense of his financial well-being.

[00:03:00] You hint or say outright that you're looking for something serious.

[00:03:05] All of which says to your date, I don't trust you, and I'm going to gather as much information as I can

[00:03:11] to weed you out before I invest any emotion in you.

[00:03:15] How's that for a statement to the new man you're seeing?

[00:03:18] Understand, I make no defense of men who are jerks or players or time wasters.

[00:03:23] But believe it or not, most men are out for a real relationship.

[00:03:28] They may date and date and date until they find the woman to whom they want to commit.

[00:03:34] But they really do want to build something.

[00:03:36] If you still think that trust is a bad idea when it comes to men, consider the plight of my client, Jessica.

[00:03:43] A 37-year-old lawyer from Chicago, Jessica had been burned by men too many times,

[00:03:49] which is how she found herself single for 11 years after her divorce.

[00:03:53] After dealing with multiple cases of infidelity, the hardest thing in the world for her to believe

[00:03:59] was that there were some truly nice men who would be loyal to her forever.

[00:04:04] As a result, Jessica came up with a whole set of rules she lived her life by.

[00:04:09] Do background checks on each new man to make sure he's on the up and up.

[00:04:13] Don't waste time with a man if he's not completely in love after a few weeks.

[00:04:17] Don't sleep with a man for at least three months, and so on.

[00:04:21] Well, guess what?

[00:04:23] Jessica's rules, designed to protect her, pushed every single guy away for 11 years.

[00:04:29] She thought that this just meant she hadn't met the right guy.

[00:04:32] What she hadn't considered is that the right guy probably wouldn't feel too good when dating

[00:04:38] a woman who treats him like a common criminal, who refuses to sleep with him,

[00:04:42] and who doesn't understand why he won't say,

[00:04:45] I love you until he's really positive he means it.

[00:04:49] Jessica means well, but her methods are backfiring and preventing men from connecting to her.

[00:04:55] Which is why, no matter what your past experience is,

[00:04:58] it's always in your best interest to play it cool.

[00:05:02] Take it from a guy.

[00:05:04] You may think you're being smart by gathering information to protect yourself,

[00:05:08] but all it does is drive most men away.

[00:05:10] The hard truth is that he doesn't know yet whether he wants to be with you in the long term.

[00:05:16] He won't know after three dates.

[00:05:17] He won't know after three months.

[00:05:19] By the way, you might not know if you want him long term either.

[00:05:23] You just want to make sure that it's you who's doing the heartbreaking, not him.

[00:05:28] My overall message is that you have to let the relationship play itself out at an organic pace

[00:05:34] instead of trying to look into the future.

[00:05:37] The more you push for clarity, especially when he doesn't have any himself,

[00:05:41] the less likely that he's going to stick around.

[00:05:47] You just listened to the post titled,

[00:05:50] Do You Think About a Future Before There's a Present?

[00:05:53] by Evan Mark Katz of EvanMarkKatz.com

[00:05:57] Great post from Evan here today.

[00:05:59] Many thanks to him for that.

[00:06:01] What he's described here is how it's how we might navigate relationship trauma,

[00:06:05] which may very well have started from outside of a relationship.

[00:06:09] And surprise, surprise, we tend to not do this very well.

[00:06:13] You know, we're always trying to protect ourselves,

[00:06:15] especially when we see commonalities with situations that have brought us pain in the past.

[00:06:20] And if we want to get a jumpstart, yeah, we're hypersensitive to these things right from dates one or two.

[00:06:27] And it's hard to break this cycle.

[00:06:29] It just is.

[00:06:30] You know, it's hard to differentiate our tendency to protect ourselves

[00:06:34] from real concerns about what's important in a relationship versus what we can overlook.

[00:06:39] It really blends together and it sucks.

[00:06:43] And while it may be hard to sift through what's a real concern and what isn't,

[00:06:47] the least you can do right now is begin to remind yourself of the innate tendency to be cautious

[00:06:55] and really try not to be hurt.

[00:06:57] If we're at least aware of this, rather than pretending it's not there or ignoring it,

[00:07:02] we're in a better place to question our behavior.

[00:07:05] And that can lead to some really amazing discoveries if that questioning is made into a habit.

[00:07:10] So thanks to Evan for addressing something really important today.

[00:07:13] And thanks to you, of course, for enjoying this post with me.

[00:07:17] It's time to wrap up.

[00:07:18] So have a great rest of your day.

[00:07:20] And I will see you back here tomorrow for another post where your optimal life awaits.