2431: How To Get Your Kids to Talk to You AND Help Your Child Develop Good Homework Habits by Julie Morgenstern

[00:00:00] This is Optimal Relationships Daily, How To Get Your Kids To Talk To You by Julie Morgenstern of juliemorgenstern.com

[00:00:10] Talking is one of the most valuable ways we can relate to another human being. If the eyes are the gateway to the soul, conversation is the gateway to the inner thoughts, insights and experiences of another person.

[00:00:23] Unfortunately, conversing with children doesn't always come naturally to us adults. Every age and stage, from pre-verbal through puberty and beyond, comes with its own unique challenges.

[00:00:35] Yet it may be comforting to know that when it comes to talking with children, your goal is really to have them do most of the work. Your job is simply to create a safe space for your child to express whatever they're thinking and feeling.

[00:00:48] Every child, much like every adult, is navigating the world for the first time. We can't assume we see what they see, notice what they notice, or conclude what they conclude.

[00:01:00] How better to see the world through your child's eyes, find out what's on your child's mind, and demonstrate a genuine interest in your child as an individual than through stimulating conversation?

[00:01:11] To get your child to open up, try to ask open-ended questions.

[00:01:17] Questions with yes or no answers, like did you have fun and do you like your teacher, lead to dead-end conversations.

[00:01:24] Get your kids talking by using who, what, where, when, and why questions.

[00:01:29] Who was your favorite character in the movie?

[00:01:32] What was the best part of your day?

[00:01:35] Where do you want to go?

[00:01:37] When did you discover that you liked poetry?

[00:01:39] Why did you choose that topic for your story or drawing?

[00:01:43] How did you figure that out?

[00:01:46] Listen more than you talk.

[00:01:47] When talking to kids, or trying to get to know anyone really, aim for a 70-30 ratio.

[00:01:55] You listening for about 70% of the time and talking for about 30%.

[00:02:00] Remember, your job is to ask questions that will stimulate your child to talk.

[00:02:05] Nurture the discussion with phrases like, tell me more about that, and that is so interesting.

[00:02:11] Don't be afraid of feelings.

[00:02:14] When our children are upset, our instinct can be to take away the pain by minimizing the problem or jumping straight into fix-it mode.

[00:02:22] This can cause children to shut down or cut the conversation short.

[00:02:26] It has to be safe for kids to share all kinds of feelings with you, not just the happy ones.

[00:02:32] Try to empathize with and name their feelings without feeling you need to fix them.

[00:02:37] Instead of dismissing or denying your child's emotions or worries, try teaching him or her that feelings come and go.

[00:02:45] Tune into your kids' patterns.

[00:02:47] One of my clients, Tara, has three kids, 8, 10, and 12.

[00:02:53] Each kid is different, of course, and getting them to open up and tell tales from their day has to be individualized.

[00:02:59] For example, Tara finds that she gets the best information from Ashley, her 12-year-old, when she's in the shower.

[00:03:06] It's her time to spill the beans.

[00:03:08] If I want to know what happened in the lunchroom or at recess, that's the time I'll hear it all, she said.

[00:03:14] She noticed that her middle son, Sean, likes to talk before he goes to bed at night,

[00:03:19] while Adam, her youngest, would relay every moment of his day the minute he got off the bus.

[00:03:24] At least a few days per week, I make sure to do pickup instead of our babysitter so I can catch all of his stories as they tumble out, she said.

[00:03:33] Just as we may be unwilling to talk to anyone before our first cup of coffee in the morning or chatty Cathy over the phone on the way to work,

[00:03:41] kids, too, may be more or less open and talkative at certain times or in certain places.

[00:03:47] It's important to tune into when and where your kids are ready to talk.

[00:03:51] When we enter into conversation from a neutral, nonjudgmental and curious point of view,

[00:03:57] we open the door for our kids to reveal the unique individuals they are inside.

[00:04:05] Help Your Child Develop Good Homework Habits by Julie Morgenstern of juliemorgenstern.com

[00:04:14] While raising my daughter, I was baffled at how difficult it was for myself and other parents to know our roles when it came to our kids' schoolwork.

[00:04:22] Were we meant to supervise and help them? If so, to what extent?

[00:04:27] Where was the line between helping them and doing it for them?

[00:04:30] And was it our job to ensure that it got done, or theirs?

[00:04:34] Now that the new school year is settling in, with new teachers, new classmates, new challenges, and new responsibilities,

[00:04:41] you may once again find yourself battling the dreaded parental questions.

[00:04:46] What is my role? How much is enough? And what is common core math, anyway?

[00:04:51] To better identify your role as a parent, first consider the role of homework.

[00:04:56] It isn't just a way to help your child reinforce the concepts they're learning in school.

[00:05:01] It also serves as an excellent tool to help your child learn how to manage their time,

[00:05:07] juggle competing responsibilities, self-assess their own knowledge and skill set,

[00:05:12] and ask for help when they need it.

[00:05:14] Your job is not to do your child's homework for them.

[00:05:18] In fact, doing so may actually deprive your child of the opportunity to acquire valuable life skills.

[00:05:25] You can help your child develop good homework habits, however, by serving as their learning coach.

[00:05:30] That means being aware of what is expected and offering time, space, and support to achieve success.

[00:05:38] Though your role and level of involvement may change as your child advances through their school years,

[00:05:43] there are intangible ways to support your kid at any age and stage.

[00:05:48] Infant Preschool 0-5

[00:05:51] Lay the groundwork for enjoying learning.

[00:05:54] The American Academy of Pediatrics warns parents against trying to give their kids too much of a head start.

[00:06:01] Instead, focus on just talking, reading, and play.

[00:06:05] These things are the foundation of a love of learning, trust, and communication.

[00:06:11] School age, 6-10

[00:06:14] Monitor good work habits.

[00:06:16] Ask every day if your child has homework and establish a regular time and proper setting for them to get it done.

[00:06:23] Provide supplies and ensure they have eaten, are rested, and energetic.

[00:06:28] Check to see that your child has completed the assignments and make sure she knows to ask for help at any time if she needs it.

[00:06:35] Tween, 10-13

[00:06:37] Get some outside help.

[00:06:39] Your kids need help at this stage to learn how to manage their more complex schedules, with multiple classes and teachers.

[00:06:45] But, ironically, this is a time when kids have a hard time taking advice from their parents.

[00:06:52] Consider outside assistance, from a teacher, a local teen, or a tutor, to help your kid master the skills they need,

[00:06:59] including tracking their assignments, managing competing deadlines, and mapping up the steps of long-term projects.

[00:07:06] Tween, 13-18

[00:07:09] Let your kids take ownership.

[00:07:11] Assuming your kids have learned and mastered good study habits, you can begin to pull back in this stage.

[00:07:17] According to experts, only offering help if it is explicitly asked for.

[00:07:22] It's fair game to continue to provide the quiet study space, company, and supplies, and to build in family activities around topics they're learning about in school.

[00:07:32] If your child is studying the Civil War, for example, a family trip to Gettysburg can be an interactive way to reinforce what your child is learning.

[00:07:44] You just listened to the posts titled, How to Get Your Kids to Talk to You, and Help Your Child Develop Good Homework Habits, both by Julie Morgenstern of juliemorgenstern.com.

[00:07:58] Two doozies today from Julie, which we are very thankful for.

[00:08:01] Of course, each post had unique takeaways relevant to its subject matter, but to me, the overarching theme was the value in giving children space.

[00:08:11] Not space in the sense of ignoring them or letting them do everything themselves, but rather teeing them up with the resources they need to thrive,

[00:08:19] and then allowing them to do so as you gently guide them on the way.

[00:08:23] You don't need to talk at them or do their homework for them, but rather aid them along in both areas of life by giving them a gentle push as you remain there to observe them and help if needed.

[00:08:36] This mindful approach to parenting can stretch into any other big parts of raising a child,

[00:08:41] and it gives children a chance to not only learn for themselves, but it also sets the example for them to set the stage to help others in their own ways throughout the course of their lives.

[00:08:52] Like she said, it's a tough line to walk, but I think Julie described it beautifully across both posts.

[00:08:59] With that, let's sign off on today's episode.

[00:09:02] Thank you so much for joining me here once again.

[00:09:04] I will be back tomorrow, where your optimal life awaits.