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Episode 2433:
Adina Soclof's insights on sibling rivalry offer practical, empathy-driven strategies for parents to manage conflicts at home. By avoiding judgmental questions, implementing a three-step approach to guide children toward problem-solving, and using unifying phrases, parents can foster cooperation and teach lifelong conflict-resolution skills.
Read along with the original article(s) here: https://parentingsimply.com/cope-with-sibling-rivalry/
Quotes to ponder:
"You guys are having trouble figuring out how to clean up the family room. You feel like you end up doing more and that’s not fair. What would seem fair to both of you?"
"It is natural for siblings to fight; they are each vying for a parent's attention."
"Sometimes you will do more, and sometimes your sibling will. That’s how it works."
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[00:00:00] This is Optimal Relationships Daily, How to Cope with Sibling Rivalry by Adina Soclof of ParentingSimply.com
[00:00:09] Many kids are bickering, teasing, tattling, and finally the worst, fighting. Sibling rivalry is probably one of the most annoying behaviors that we as parents need to manage.
[00:00:20] We get so frustrated and we're not sure how to react. Kids will fight about almost anything. We often unwittingly put ourselves in the middle of the fray.
[00:00:30] Here are three great techniques that we can use to manage sibling rivalry, stop the fighting, and move children towards resolving their own issues.
[00:00:39] Avoid asking questions.
[00:00:41] When children fight, we usually react by playing judge and jury. We start asking questions. This can exacerbate the problem.
[00:00:50] Whose turn is it? Why are you fighting? Who had it first? Why can't you get along? Who started this?
[00:00:57] Children do not have answers to these questions. Or if they do, since they are developmentally egocentric, the answers will be completely subjective.
[00:01:06] They do not have the savvy or the intelligence to judge objectively. When asked who started it, I can guarantee that they each will feel the other started it.
[00:01:16] Same with, who had it first? They will both think they had it first. Why are you fighting? Will also evoke a similar response.
[00:01:24] They will both blame the other one for being mean or unfair.
[00:01:28] As for, why can't you get along? The real answer is, it is natural for siblings to fight. They are each vying for a parent's attention.
[00:01:38] It's frustrating to live with someone, and any two people living together will get on each other's nerves.
[00:01:44] Unfortunately, children do not have the self-awareness or understanding to answer this question correctly.
[00:01:49] The three-pronged approach. Instead of asking questions, we want to move our children from conflict to resolution.
[00:01:58] We can do that by naming the problem, acknowledging feelings, moving children towards problem solving.
[00:02:06] Here are a few sample scripts that you can read over before the next argument erupts.
[00:02:12] Cleaning up the family room. Why can't you kids just clean up the family room when I ask you, why does everything need to be a fight?
[00:02:20] What you could say, you guys are having trouble figuring out how to clean up the family room.
[00:02:26] You can't decide what you should do first. You feel like you end up doing more, and you feel like you end up doing more.
[00:02:32] You don't feel that is fair. What would seem fair to both of you?
[00:02:36] How can we clean up the family room in a way that you both feel would work for you?
[00:02:42] Arguing over whose turn it is to play.
[00:02:45] Why do you always have to argue over whose turn it is to play?
[00:02:48] Why do you guys always have to make a big deal out of nothing?
[00:02:51] I'm taking these toys away, now. Now no one's going to play.
[00:02:55] What you could say, you sound like you're having some trouble sharing this toy train.
[00:03:01] You both want to play with it right now. You don't want to have to take turns.
[00:03:05] Can you guys figure out some sort of compromise? What can we do?
[00:03:09] Have Pat Phrases
[00:03:11] When it comes to their siblings, a child's memory is like an elephant.
[00:03:15] Kids have a running tab in their head of who has done what.
[00:03:19] Each child has different ideas of what they consider fair and just.
[00:03:23] So, even though you may tell Sarah to sweep because Eli just helped you with the baby,
[00:03:28] Sarah might remember that she swept last time, and really it should be Eli's turn.
[00:03:32] That's why they are always saying things like,
[00:03:36] I always have to do everything. Or,
[00:03:39] Why don't you ask Sam? Why do you always ask me?
[00:03:42] You don't want to get embroiled in trying to remember who did what.
[00:03:46] Again, you don't want to play the judge and jury game or be the referee.
[00:03:50] It's exhausting and frustrating to try and decipher each kid's complicated and unwritten sense of what they deem fair.
[00:03:57] Instead, you can say,
[00:03:59] I'm trying to make the jobs as fair as possible.
[00:04:03] Sometimes you will do more and sometimes he will do more.
[00:04:06] That's how it works.
[00:04:07] We are a team and we work together.
[00:04:10] Right now, we need cooperation to get a job done.
[00:04:13] We will discuss the fairness of the situation later on.
[00:04:16] Don't worry if your kids don't respond right away.
[00:04:20] Moving kids from conflict to solution can be a long and arduous process.
[00:04:28] You just listened to the post titled,
[00:04:30] How to Cope with Sibling Rivalry by Adina Sokloff of ParentingSimply.com
[00:04:36] A really good one today and highly practical.
[00:04:40] Although Adina only provided a few examples of scripts that parents can use to derail some sibling rivalries,
[00:04:46] if you look at the running theme throughout her examples,
[00:04:50] you'll quickly find that it can be applied to any disagreement siblings might be having.
[00:04:54] And honestly, it's wonderful for adult disagreements too.
[00:04:57] That theme is unity.
[00:04:58] It's the give and take, reminding children of the truth that they both have needs
[00:05:03] and that decisions need to be made that support both of their needs as well as possible.
[00:05:09] And beyond that, notice how she guides the interactions rather than commandeering them.
[00:05:14] She lays everything out on the table for her kids,
[00:05:17] but ultimately puts it on them to work through it together while she oversees.
[00:05:22] This is a great strategy to help children take ownership, deal with conflict in healthy ways,
[00:05:28] and of course stay mindful of what their opposition needs.
[00:05:31] Great lifelong tools personally and professionally.
[00:05:35] Time for us to get out of here now though.
[00:05:37] I will be back with you tomorrow with more because relationships don't stop.
[00:05:41] So, I'll see you on the other side everybody, where your optimal life awaits.
[00:05:45] I'll see you on the other side.
[00:05:45] Thank you.