2434: Five Relationship Resolutions for the New Year AND The Power of Interpersonal Touch by Dr. Sadie Leder-Elder

[00:00:00] Now before we start, you might want to check out our other podcasts covering topics like personal development and minimalism, money, health, relationships, and more. So to optimize your life in other areas, just search for Optimal Living Daily in your podcast app. Now on to the show.

[00:00:18] This is Optimal Relationships Daily, Five Relationship Resolutions for the New Year by Dr. Sadie Leder-Elder of Loves.com

[00:00:28] It's that time of year again. Everyone I know is joining a gym, beginning a diet, and trying to start anew for the new year.

[00:00:36] This year, I've decided to do things a little differently. Instead of my typical New Year's resolutions which focus on work and personal goals, I'm writing relationship resolutions.

[00:00:47] Here are a few relationship-enhancing behaviors that I'm going to work on in the coming weeks and months.

[00:00:52] Feel free to join me if you'd like to make your romantic relationship a happier, healthy union.

[00:00:57] Number one, be more positive.

[00:00:59] There are a host of reasons why positivity beats out negativity. Not only is positivity more attractive than pessimism or cynicism,

[00:01:07] it's also a winning strategy for navigating relationship conflict.

[00:01:11] Interestingly, relationship researchers found that people are particularly sensitive to negative feedback

[00:01:16] and that couples who engage in a 5 to 1 ratio of positive to negative comments are more likely to stay together.

[00:01:23] I take this to mean that a little negativity goes a long way.

[00:01:26] And sometimes even an unintentional slight or criticism can have a powerful impact.

[00:01:31] I vow to try to be more positive generally, but particularly when things get heated.

[00:01:36] Number two, schedule time for my relationship.

[00:01:40] Good things don't just happen, and that is true even when it comes to good relationships.

[00:01:45] Just like losing the holiday 15, if you want success, you need a plan.

[00:01:50] Given that there are only 24 hours in a day, how many can you dedicate to making your relationship better?

[00:01:56] Can you devote one hour a day where you aren't working, watching TV, or dealing with life's many responsibilities?

[00:02:01] I resolve to try and set aside time each day to be present in my relationship.

[00:02:06] Number three, find fun stuff for my husband and I to do together.

[00:02:11] Relationship scientists have shown that couples who play together, stay together.

[00:02:15] That might sound silly, but it's true.

[00:02:18] Participating in fun and exciting play with your partner can actually increase relationship satisfaction.

[00:02:23] This year, I'm going to press pause on our Netflixing and find some ways to harness our childlike spirits.

[00:02:29] Number four, be less demanding.

[00:02:32] Psychologists believe that relationship satisfaction is directly linked to our expectations.

[00:02:38] The more a relationship exceeds what we had hoped for, the happier we are.

[00:02:42] The interesting and sometimes problematic thing about expectations is that they change.

[00:02:47] For instance, when you met your partner, you may have been thrilled by how great he or she was.

[00:02:52] However, as time went on, you may have gotten used to this status quo of awesomeness.

[00:02:57] Your expectations rose and you were not as thrilled by the same amazing behavior.

[00:03:02] Should you, like me, have a really wonderful partner, but perhaps have grown accustomed to all that he or she does for you,

[00:03:09] you may want to consider asking yourself if your expectations have reached fairytale proportions.

[00:03:14] I vow not to take my partner for granted and to try to remember how lucky I am to be with such a loving individual.

[00:03:20] Number five, communicate more effectively.

[00:03:23] This one may be easier said than done, pardon my pun, but it may be the key to a successful relationship.

[00:03:30] Conflicts arise when people lack effective communication skills, and the thing I'm the worst at is listening.

[00:03:36] I'm guilty of thinking about what I'm going to say while the other person is talking rather than truly absorbing their point.

[00:03:42] And I admit that during a difficult conversation, I spend more time defending myself or correcting my partner than validating his opinions.

[00:03:50] Relationship therapists use a structured form of communication that feels almost too forced and formulaic for me to explain,

[00:03:56] but the takeaway is that only one partner should express his or her feelings at a time.

[00:04:01] Couples should work together to ensure that what one partner says is being heard correctly by the other.

[00:04:06] Then, and only then, should the other partner try to explain his or her side of things.

[00:04:11] This year, I will try to listen before I speak and respond to what my partner is actually saying rather than to what I think I heard him say.

[00:04:22] The Power of Interpersonal Touch, also by Dr. Sadie Letter Elder of Loves.com

[00:04:29] Alright, I confess, you may not be able to tell if a potential partner is a good boyfriend or girlfriend material from the way he or she feels,

[00:04:39] but you'd be surprised what you can tell from the way they touch.

[00:04:42] Recent research examining the emotional communication through touch revealed that people are able to identify a host of emotions through tactile stimulation alone.

[00:04:52] These include positive emotions like happiness, gratitude, sympathy, and love, as well as negative emotions like anger, fear, disgust, and sadness.

[00:05:01] Perhaps even more surprising is that this isn't just something that happens between relationship partners.

[00:05:07] Perfect strangers are also capable of communicating emotions via touch.

[00:05:11] So, should you be in the habit of letting unfamiliar others touch you, odds are you'll be able to clearly perceive their intent.

[00:05:18] If you're finding this hard to believe, try thinking about the different ways you've been touched.

[00:05:23] I'm referring to non-f***** touching, so keep your mind out of the gutter.

[00:05:27] Friends may pat you on the back in celebration.

[00:05:30] Fellow travelers may poke you with their elbow as you jockey for armrest domination.

[00:05:34] Teachers may put their hand on your shoulder as a sign of support.

[00:05:38] And lovers may gently touch the small of your back to convey interest.

[00:05:41] We use cues like location, pressure, and duration of a touch to help us perceive its intent.

[00:05:47] And it appears that people are so attuned to haptic, i.e. skin, stimulation,

[00:05:52] that we can identify a repertoire of feelings ranging from distress to elation, without much conscious thought.

[00:05:59] Researchers have extended this work to examine whether romantic partners have an advantage in communicating emotions through touch.

[00:06:05] What they found was that there is little difference in the ability of partners and strangers to communicate emotions like those listed above.

[00:06:12] However, intimate partners can detect emotions like envy and pride through touch that strangers are not able to perceive.

[00:06:20] Although results did not definitively explain this discrepancy,

[00:06:23] researchers believe that these emotional states are more difficult to discern because they are self-focused.

[00:06:29] That is, they are derived from one's internal or personal standards.

[00:06:33] Close relationship partners may be more adept at picking up on these subtle, fine-grained cues as a result of their greater experience, knowledge, and understanding of the individual.

[00:06:43] Looking for a reason to touch your partner more?

[00:06:46] Beyond the enhanced emotional communication, researchers have also found that touching leads to greater closeness as well as enhanced well-being.

[00:06:53] In fact, just holding hands with a loved one can reduce stress responses,

[00:06:57] and regular touching can lower blood pressure and increase oxytocin, a hormone that promotes pair bonding.

[00:07:03] I guess there are only a handful of lucky ladies who know whether or not Ryan Gosling makes good boyfriend material,

[00:07:09] but if you're fortunate enough to be touched by him, you may very well be able to feel the love.

[00:07:15] Or fear, depending on how much of a superfan slash stalker you are.

[00:07:22] You just listened to the posts titled, Five Relationship Resolutions for the New Year, and The Power of Interpersonal Touch,

[00:07:30] both by Dr. Sadie Letter Elder of loves.com.

[00:07:35] Great stuff today. Thanks so much to Dr. Sadie.

[00:07:38] My love language is most definitely physical touch, so it is admittedly reassuring for me to hear that it's actually doing some good,

[00:07:45] and not just annoying all of my friends, family, and ex-girlfriends.

[00:07:50] I also love what she had to say about managing expectations in her first article.

[00:07:54] It might not be what we want to hear, but the truth is that all relationships get stale to a certain extent,

[00:07:59] so taking steps like scheduling time together, being purposeful with that time, as Sadie also mentioned,

[00:08:05] these are all great ways of not only enhancing the relationship, but just proving to our partners that we care.

[00:08:11] I am off for now though, friends.

[00:08:13] Thank you so much for listening today, and I will be back with you tomorrow for another insightful episode

[00:08:19] where your optimal life awaits.