2437: What I Learned While Searching for Balance in Motherhood by Shawna Scafe of Simple On Purpose on Parenting Advice

[00:00:00] The latest Trash-TV-Gossip, the depths of True Crime, the next gaming universe. You never know where a new podcast is. And with Tinder it's very similar, because nothing is going on a new connection with a cool person. And in addition you might find a nice hobby or new scene restaurants in your city. So, let's go. Say bye to your comfort zone. Tinder. It starts with a swipe.

[00:00:26] This is Optimal Relationships Daily. What I Learned While Searching for Balance in Motherhood by Shawna Scafe of SimpleOnPurpose.ca

[00:00:37] I remember sitting in my parents' living room with my nine-month-old on my lap. I was nauseated, tired, and frazzled. And my dad said, what's going on with you? I almost burst into tears when I blurted the news to them, I'm pregnant and I'm exhausted.

[00:00:53] I don't remember much more, but I know he laughed at me. We call him Mr. Diplomatic. My mom cooed and I just sat in denial that I would soon have two kids 16 months apart.

[00:01:05] Before Linnea came, I had hit a nice stride with Levi. We had a format for our days that made simple things, like showering and eating not-protein bars for meals, very doable.

[00:01:15] Then, a second baby. All I had learned about parenting and mom life was turned upside down with this new tiny baby who was constantly crying.

[00:01:25] In those early months with two under two, my sister and her toddler would come stay with me for days that Connor worked.

[00:01:32] We would take turns rocking Linnea in whatever fashion she preferred at the time, while the other kept the older two kids busy and fed.

[00:01:40] But when Rachel was gone and Connor was working, there was a very grey gardens meets raising hope atmosphere in my house.

[00:01:48] I know people are touting motivational quotes like, don't just survive, rather thrive in motherhood.

[00:01:55] No, no, I did no thriving. I would do whatever it took to survive those days and nights.

[00:02:02] Nonstop Netflix streaming, goldfish crackers laid out on the table for independent toddler grazing,

[00:02:09] me wearing whatever clean PJs I could find,

[00:02:11] and lots of coffee and protein shakes while I welled up with exhaustion and anxiety being held hostage by a crying baby.

[00:02:18] I felt like I couldn't get anything done.

[00:02:21] Feeling unproductive for those simple things just made me feel like I was failing at life.

[00:02:26] I even would Google schedules and tips for life with two kids, trying to find the secret to make it work.

[00:02:34] Surely there were other women with two small kids who were sleeping longer than two-hour stretches,

[00:02:39] making regular dentist appointments, eating fresh vegetables, possibly getting laundry folded.

[00:02:44] I knew they were there.

[00:02:46] They showed up in colorful squares on my phone with cute captions and top knots,

[00:02:50] and they were refinishing furniture and drinking Starbucks.

[00:02:54] What was I doing wrong?

[00:02:56] The same thing I've done for much of my life.

[00:02:59] Trying to make the situation something that it's not.

[00:03:02] Specifically, fighting this gritty season of motherhood.

[00:03:06] Trying to force my idea of perfect without stopping to appreciate that perfect doesn't exist this side of heaven.

[00:03:13] All that time I spent searching for the trick to making it all work.

[00:03:17] All the information I would seek out on finding balance.

[00:03:21] All the put-together moms I would corner in the grocery store parking lot shaking them down for answers.

[00:03:26] I found the same answer.

[00:03:28] There is no balance with young kids.

[00:03:30] There is no routine you enact, then sit back, press play, and let things flow seamlessly.

[00:03:37] There are always more chores, events, crying kids in a day than there are hours, hands, and consolation waffles.

[00:03:44] Over time, I'd come to see this doesn't mean I'm failing.

[00:03:48] It means that we aren't meant to do it all.

[00:03:51] Rather, we are meant to make choices about how we spend our time and energies.

[00:03:55] There is freedom in letting go of the notion of balance.

[00:03:59] You hear me?

[00:04:00] Freedom.

[00:04:01] Because then that means I can be the mom I am meant to be,

[00:04:05] rather than aim to be the sum of all the other moms I compare myself to.

[00:04:10] Because it isn't a competition, and it isn't realistic.

[00:04:13] We can't measure ourselves by looking at all the things everyone is collectively doing with their day.

[00:04:19] We have to choose what we want our own day to be.

[00:04:23] Maybe you are ready to let go of trying to be the sum of all mothers.

[00:04:27] Maybe you are looking at some choices, too.

[00:04:29] Are you the mom who wants to be out and about with your kids,

[00:04:32] so maybe your house won't be well tended to all the time?

[00:04:35] That's awesome.

[00:04:36] Your kids are out in the world learning and living.

[00:04:38] Are you the mom who makes craftacular activities,

[00:04:41] but you're not into eating Whole30 foods?

[00:04:44] Your kids are learning how to use their hands and live through the lens of creativity.

[00:04:48] Do you leave your laundry in the basement till your kids ask you for their clean clothes because they ran out?

[00:04:53] Look at these resourceful little problem solvers.

[00:04:56] Just go with it.

[00:04:57] Or maybe you took an extra ten minutes for yourself to get ready and your kids watched Elmo.

[00:05:03] They are seeing the importance of caring for yourself as well as others,

[00:05:06] and Elmo is always a good idea.

[00:05:08] I had three kids in three and a half years,

[00:05:11] and it came with a crash course in routine disruption,

[00:05:15] relationship management,

[00:05:16] and messy floors.

[00:05:18] Reflecting on these early years with babies,

[00:05:20] I feel that we are not meant to do it all,

[00:05:23] and that motherhood cannot look the same for every mom.

[00:05:26] I believe we are meant to find balance within our own values

[00:05:30] and let our mothering flow from a deeper place of the things we are passionate about,

[00:05:34] rather than the guilt of activities, chores, and images we compare ourselves to.

[00:05:39] In my experience, and I am constantly working on this,

[00:05:43] when I stop fighting where I am at in motherhood

[00:05:46] and hounding life for perfect balance,

[00:05:49] I stop being a mom martyr.

[00:05:51] I give myself and my family permission to enjoy imperfect

[00:05:56] and permission to enjoy motherhood for what it is

[00:06:00] rather than what I thought it should be.

[00:06:02] This post is coming to you from your nerdy girlfriend

[00:06:05] wearing post-maternity shorts,

[00:06:07] lipstick,

[00:06:08] with all the lunch dishes surrounding me.

[00:06:14] You just listened to the post titled

[00:06:16] What I Learned While Searching for Balance in Motherhood

[00:06:19] by Shauna Scaife of simpleonpurpose.ca

[00:06:23] Now, Shauna has hit on some really important points in today's post.

[00:06:27] To varying degrees,

[00:06:28] many of us feel we arrive at a certain threshold

[00:06:31] for being able to let go and allow things to flow naturally.

[00:06:35] Some people do this with more leniency than others,

[00:06:38] but when it comes to being a parent,

[00:06:40] one of the highest honors and responsibilities we assume in life,

[00:06:43] it is very hard to allow for imbalance

[00:06:46] and things not going according to plan.

[00:06:49] This is difficult with any major portion of our identities,

[00:06:52] but of course the sick joke is that

[00:06:53] that's what makes it even more important in such times.

[00:06:56] So, take this episode as a reminder to continue your good habit

[00:07:01] of letting things be

[00:07:02] even during times in which control and routine seem most necessary.

[00:07:07] Mastering all of it will not only prove to be impossible,

[00:07:10] but probably even boring.

[00:07:12] So beware.

[00:07:13] And on that note,

[00:07:14] we are going to finish up today's episode.

[00:07:16] I thank you so much for being here, everyone,

[00:07:18] and staying until the end.

[00:07:20] We've got another great post lined up for you before the weekend,

[00:07:22] so be sure to stop in here tomorrow and listen

[00:07:25] where your optimal life awaits.