2440: Teach People How to Treat You by Jill Coleman on Actively Setting Boundaries

[00:00:00] Hello everybody and welcome welcome to yet another Sunday bonus episode here on ORD. I'm your host Greg Audino and once again I am here in our weekly bonus episode to merely introduce a previously aired episode from another show on our network that we think you would like or crosses over with relationship content at least a bit. This one comes from Optimal Living Daily, our personal development show that started it all. So without further ado, let's hear Justin's narration and commentary as we optimize your life.

[00:00:34] Teach People How to Treat You by Jill Coleman of jillfit.com

[00:00:40] Last week I was at the Results Fitness Business Mastermind with my coaches Rachel and Alwyn Cosgrove along with about 50 other fitness business owners. It was an intense couple of days with tons of ideas, breakthroughs, and as Rachel and Alwyn say, aha moments.

[00:00:57] Rachel said one phrase during the week that really stuck with me and that was, you need to train people how to treat you. One simple phrase and yet it captured so perfectly everything I felt like I had been trying to verbalize in many more words. We talk a lot about the victim mindset and about how many times we go around trying to get people on our team when things go wrong. Can you believe this happened to me? Et cetera. And of course, when people treat us badly, we don't have to get people on our team when things go wrong.

[00:01:27] Wecómo are. It's not.

[00:01:42] We don't have to get people on our team. We don't have to put them either when things go wrong. We don't have to be on their own, but why isn't doing it? Well, we don't feel empowered when we feel like people are treating us badly or when our circumstances feel out of our control.

[00:01:52] And many times they are.

[00:01:54] However, what is not out of our control is our attitude.

[00:01:59] When someone treats us in a way that we don't like,

[00:02:01] we have a choice.

[00:02:03] We can feel bad for ourselves

[00:02:05] and go find other people to agree with us,

[00:02:07] or we can take responsibility

[00:02:10] for setting the tone of the relationship.

[00:02:12] Not always the easiest thing to do

[00:02:14] because emotion gets in the way.

[00:02:16] And when we are emotional,

[00:02:17] we are also at our worst

[00:02:19] in terms of being able to see clearly.

[00:02:22] Emotions are valid, they are never wrong.

[00:02:24] But what I would challenge you to do

[00:02:26] is to recognize an emotion as a trigger

[00:02:28] for you to do something differently

[00:02:30] and take responsibility for the future of the relationship,

[00:02:34] even in the face of feeling like it's not your fault.

[00:02:37] And it's not, really.

[00:02:39] And yet it is, because you have not yet established

[00:02:42] how the relationship should go.

[00:02:44] Many times we don't know it even needs establishing

[00:02:46] until something happens that throws us.

[00:02:50] So there's really no blame to dish out.

[00:02:52] Instead, it's more to learn from the experience

[00:02:55] and move on in a positive way in the future.

[00:02:59] Rachel said,

[00:03:00] if someone is not treating you the way you want them to,

[00:03:03] it's your fault.

[00:03:04] And some may find that harsh,

[00:03:06] but I find it liberating.

[00:03:08] You mean, I get to create the relationship

[00:03:10] exactly the way I want it?

[00:03:11] You mean, I have a say in how someone treats me?

[00:03:15] How cool is that?

[00:03:16] I'm no longer at the mercy of others.

[00:03:18] I can take action.

[00:03:20] In the alternative scenario, victim mindset,

[00:03:23] I can't do anything because I'm at the mercy

[00:03:25] of someone else's ill will toward me.

[00:03:27] Really?

[00:03:28] I think if you really reflect on this,

[00:03:31] you see this is an attitude issue.

[00:03:33] You can always choose how to respond to situations.

[00:03:36] Thoughts and emotions are effortless.

[00:03:39] We can't control them.

[00:03:40] But what we can control is how we choose to respond

[00:03:43] to a situation or another person.

[00:03:46] So try this.

[00:03:47] Next time you get treated a way

[00:03:48] that doesn't sit right with you,

[00:03:50] claim responsibility for it.

[00:03:52] Say to yourself,

[00:03:54] at some point, I must have given the impression

[00:03:56] that being treated this way was okay with me.

[00:03:59] Once you go there in your mind, you can take action.

[00:04:03] There's a solution to be had, a change to make.

[00:04:06] It's liberating.

[00:04:07] You realize you literally get to create your relationships

[00:04:10] exactly the way you want.

[00:04:13] So how do you do it?

[00:04:14] Try this.

[00:04:16] Number one, ask what the truth is for you.

[00:04:19] If that person is not speaking your truth,

[00:04:22] then find out what is true for you.

[00:04:24] This is your integrity piece.

[00:04:26] Number two, take responsibility

[00:04:28] and verbalize your truth to the other person,

[00:04:31] not in an accusatory way.

[00:04:32] Remember, they're only doing what you taught them,

[00:04:35] but in a way that is sincere and non-threatening.

[00:04:38] You don't have to get mad or blame them.

[00:04:41] Instead, speak your truth

[00:04:43] and apologize for having not verbalized your needs sooner.

[00:04:47] And number three,

[00:04:48] be consistent with your interactions from that point on.

[00:04:51] Set up expectations for the other person.

[00:04:54] Tell them what they can expect from you

[00:04:56] and be very clear about it.

[00:04:58] Outline the relationship for them.

[00:05:00] Teach them how to treat you.

[00:05:02] Don't blame them

[00:05:03] and then practice this new interaction

[00:05:05] over and over, staying consistent.

[00:05:08] It's not a better than or right or wrong thing.

[00:05:11] It's only about making the relationship for yourself,

[00:05:14] speaking your truth.

[00:05:16] I hope this was as helpful for you as it was for me.

[00:05:19] This is a key concept for professionals

[00:05:21] and a big part of mental fitness.

[00:05:23] Owning your stuff is a great place to start.

[00:05:26] And when you begin creating your life

[00:05:28] exactly as you want it

[00:05:29] by using these techniques and introspecting,

[00:05:32] it frees you up to be able to focus on your nutrition,

[00:05:35] training, business, relationships,

[00:05:38] family, career, et cetera.

[00:05:44] You just listened to the post titled,

[00:05:47] Teach People How to Treat You

[00:05:49] by Jill Coleman of jillfit.com.

[00:05:52] Thank you to Jill,

[00:05:53] regularly narrated over on my brother's show,

[00:05:55] Optimal Health Daily.

[00:05:56] I always appreciate an article going over this concept again

[00:06:00] because, well, first, I like having that reminder

[00:06:03] that more things are in control than we think,

[00:06:06] but also because it's something that I think

[00:06:08] I have a decent amount of experience in myself

[00:06:10] through hours and hours of meditation.

[00:06:13] There were some good quotes in there like,

[00:06:16] what is not out of our control is our attitude.

[00:06:19] And if someone is not treating you the way you want them to,

[00:06:23] it's your fault.

[00:06:23] Some tough love there,

[00:06:25] but hard to disagree with in many cases

[00:06:28] because, as alluded to in that first quote,

[00:06:31] we're in charge of our own attitude and reactions alone.

[00:06:35] And that's what meditation taught me.

[00:06:37] Taking the other person out of the equation altogether,

[00:06:41] formal basic meditation practice over time

[00:06:44] shows you how your own thoughts sort of work

[00:06:48] and what that leads to

[00:06:49] and how in control we really are there.

[00:06:53] That other person is a sort of outside event,

[00:06:56] but how we react to it is our choice.

[00:06:59] This is not quite the message of her article,

[00:07:01] but I think an additional point worth noting.

[00:07:04] We don't even have to feel upset about it

[00:07:06] because being upset is a choice.

[00:07:09] Now, with that out of the way,

[00:07:10] we can also change the scenario

[00:07:12] with the ideas Jill shared.

[00:07:15] I'm glad that she specifically said

[00:07:16] that it's not the easiest thing to do

[00:07:18] because emotion gets in the way.

[00:07:19] That's very true, for me at least.

[00:07:21] I don't know about you.

[00:07:23] But understanding this is one baby step

[00:07:25] in the right direction, I think,

[00:07:27] which is a win.

[00:07:29] So take those baby steps,

[00:07:30] if not the big ones.

[00:07:32] Have a great day.

[00:07:33] Thank you for listening.

[00:07:34] And I'll be back tomorrow as usual.

[00:07:36] Where your optimal life awaits.

[00:07:38] Let's see.