Discover all of the podcasts in our network, search for specific episodes, get the Optimal Living Daily workbook, and learn more at: OLDPodcast.com.
Episode 2443:
Lisa Merlo-Booth challenges the normalization of rage, emphasizing that it is not a demonstration of power but a sign of a lack of self-control. She highlights the toxic cultural narratives that excuse rage, outlines its damaging effects on relationships and environments, and advocates for alternative approaches rooted in accountability and self-mastery.
Read along with the original article(s) here: https://lisamerlobooth.com/rage-what-our-culture-isnt-teaching/
Quotes to ponder:
"True power comes from within one’s self. Aggression is moving in power over others there is nothing admirable or powerful about being a bully."
"Ragers rage because they choose to NOT because others 'make' them or set them off."
"Love should NOT hurt. And love, most certainly, should not be a battlefield."
Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
[00:00:00] Now before we start, you might want to check out our other podcasts covering topics like personal development and minimalism, money, health, relationships, and more. So to optimize your life in other areas, just search for Optimal Living Daily in your podcast app. Now on to the show.
[00:00:18] This is Optimal Relationships Daily. Rage, The Real Truth by Lisa Merlo-Booth of lisamerlo-booth.com
[00:00:28] Our culture sends the message that yelling or raging at people is normal, powerful, and even necessary. Leaders are even cheered and admired for their angry outbursts, hailed as being a man's man.
[00:00:42] Moreover, regardless of whether the rager is a state governor, a famous singer, a winning basketball coach, a spouse or a parent, the message is, don't set them off and they won't have to rage.
[00:00:55] Setting them off can mean upsetting them, making a mistake, being in the wrong place at the wrong time, or, quite frankly, simply existing.
[00:01:05] The idea that others set ragers off is not only a crazy message, it's an incredibly toxic one that puts the onus of someone's rage on a person other than the rager.
[00:01:17] The reality is that no one makes someone go off, except the person choosing to go off.
[00:01:25] As a result of this type of thinking, women in violent relationships blame themselves for their husbands beating them.
[00:01:32] Employees walk on eggshells around abusive bosses, desperate to not set them off.
[00:01:37] Children internalize that they are bad because their raging parent blames their rage on the child's actions.
[00:01:43] In reality, neither the wife, nor the employee, nor the child has any influence on whether or not the person will rage.
[00:01:52] The idea that the only way a parent can teach a child is to intimidate him or her, berate or shame him or her, or constantly yell, is ridiculous.
[00:02:03] Children are 3 to 5 feet tall.
[00:02:05] Adults are more than 50 pounds heavier, several inches to more than a foot taller.
[00:02:10] A parent's rage isn't about a child's behavior.
[00:02:13] It's about the parent's lack of control.
[00:02:16] A spouse's abusive behavior isn't about their partner's actions.
[00:02:20] The batterer will batter anyone she or he is with.
[00:02:23] An abusive boss will rage when he or she wants to rage, no matter how well those around him or her walk on eggshells.
[00:02:30] Rage is not about the other person's actions.
[00:02:34] People rage because they lack control, grew up in a home where rage was common,
[00:02:39] feel entitled to rage, have a psychiatric condition, and for countless other reasons,
[00:02:45] none of which have to do with the person that they are raging against.
[00:02:49] Until we challenge our culture's messages about violence and aggression,
[00:02:53] we're destined to continue to feed the culture of violence that is so prevalent in our society today.
[00:02:59] Following are several counterculture messages regarding anger and aggression.
[00:03:03] 1. Don't confuse power with aggression.
[00:03:07] True power comes from within oneself.
[00:03:10] Aggression is moving in power over others.
[00:03:13] There is nothing admirable or powerful about being a bully.
[00:03:18] 2. No one makes another person rage.
[00:03:22] Ragers are 100% responsible for their anger.
[00:03:26] They rage because they do, not because others make them.
[00:03:31] 3. Walking on eggshells around ragers sends the message that their rage works.
[00:03:36] If there are no consequences to raging, the rage is unlikely to stop.
[00:03:41] 4. Raging is abusive, even if the rager never puts their hands on the other person.
[00:03:48] 5. People don't just get over it after someone rages.
[00:03:52] Rage leaves a lasting impact long after the explosion has stopped.
[00:03:57] 6. Raging at children harms children and seriously damages relationships.
[00:04:04] 7. Raging is not powerful, normal, or okay.
[00:04:08] When people rage, they are unsafe, bullying, and out of control.
[00:04:13] There is nothing powerful about being out of control or unsafe.
[00:04:17] 8. Raging is not leading, teaching, or coaching.
[00:04:21] It's out-of-control behavior under the guise of teaching others.
[00:04:25] 9. There is no justification for rage.
[00:04:30] 10. Rage isn't sexy, courageous, or helpful.
[00:04:34] It's a toxic acting out that damages people's spirits, marriages, workplaces, and families.
[00:04:41] Don't romanticize violence.
[00:04:43] He or she deserves it.
[00:04:44] It's a lie that keeps ragers in denial.
[00:04:47] Ragers rage because they choose to, not because others make them or set them off.
[00:04:53] Rage is a violent choice to everyday life problems.
[00:04:57] Don't be fooled into thinking that it's an okay choice.
[00:05:00] Our culture sends crazy messages about anger and rage.
[00:05:04] It normalizes rage and even encourages it in our men, leaders, coaches, and society at large.
[00:05:11] Rather than normalizing aggression in relationships, our culture should be talking about its repercussions.
[00:05:18] Following are a few of many consequences of rage or aggression.
[00:05:23] Raging parents have children who fear for their safety, from the person who should be the safest person in their lives.
[00:05:29] These children often grow up to become ragers themselves or marry ragers.
[00:05:34] Raging bosses have employees who can't stand them, don't give their all on the job, and count the days until they can leave.
[00:05:41] Raging spouses have partners who fear them rather than love them.
[00:05:45] Rage pushes people away, even as the victims stand there and take it.
[00:05:50] Slowly they get more distant, more tired, and more resentful.
[00:05:54] As rage continues and time passes, most people leave the rager, resent the rager, or lose all respect for the rager.
[00:06:02] This includes spouses, children, employees, and friends.
[00:06:06] Regarding intimate relationships in particular, songs like Love Hurts and Love is a Battlefield
[00:06:12] send ridiculous messages about love that teach us to equate love with pain.
[00:06:18] Why in the world would we want to do that?
[00:06:20] And why would we ever want to teach our children to do the same?
[00:06:24] Love should not hurt.
[00:06:25] And love most certainly should not be a battlefield.
[00:06:29] If it is, then people are choosing the wrong partners.
[00:06:33] Challenge
[00:06:33] Don't confuse power with aggression.
[00:06:36] True power comes from within oneself, not from domination over others.
[00:06:41] Don't blame yourself ever for another person's rage.
[00:06:45] And don't ever blame someone else for yours.
[00:06:51] You just listened to the post titled
[00:06:53] Rage, The Real Truth
[00:06:55] by Lisa Merleau Booth of lisamerleaubooth.com
[00:06:59] And a marvelous post from Lisa today.
[00:07:02] Really love this one.
[00:07:04] So much truth in this post.
[00:07:06] But she's right in that rage has become celebrated enough that we often forget about the fact that it's both harmful and controllable.
[00:07:13] We've gone so far in the other direction that many people do indeed use it as a tool, especially with children, like she also mentioned.
[00:07:22] So for those of us who do use it as a tool sometimes, take the time now while you're calm to consider alternatives.
[00:07:30] For the people you're trying to help with your rage, take some time to ask them what they might like instead, or how they usually learn good lessons and stay motivated in ways that has nothing to do with rage.
[00:07:42] And if you know someone who uses rage as a tool, and you feel safe doing so, consider having this conversation with them from the other side, about how you or others they use rage towards could benefit from different tactics.
[00:07:56] That's going to do it for today, friends.
[00:07:58] Thanks as usual for stopping in and sharing this post with someone who may need it.
[00:08:02] I hope your week is going well, and I also hope you'll join me again tomorrow for another post on The Wednesday Show, where your optimal life awaits.