2444: How to Evaluate a New Relationship by Dr. Elana Miller of Zen Psychiatry on Balancing Emotional Needs and Boundaries

[00:00:20] This is Optimal Relationships Daily, How to Evaluate a New Relationship by Dr. Elena Miller of ZenPsychiatry.com.

[00:00:30] After a particularly bad breakup a couple of years ago, I got some great advice from a therapist.

[00:00:36] I love therapy, by the way. Sometimes I wish I could hire a therapist to follow me around in my day-to-day life and make comments like,

[00:00:43] The way you asked for that double chocolate ice cream at Ben & Jerry's makes me think you may have unresolved issues with your third grade teacher, etc.

[00:00:50] But I digress.

[00:00:52] At this particular time, I was still hurt from a breakup but motivated to move forward and find a better relationship.

[00:00:58] I was going on a lot of dates, but driving myself crazy overanalyzing everything and wondering how I could know early on if something was worth pursuing.

[00:01:07] It takes time to know if a relationship is right, and in the beginning, your intuition can be out of whack because of the anxiety and uncertainty surrounding questions like,

[00:01:16] Where is this going? Does she like me as much as I like her? Is X issue a deal breaker? Etc.

[00:01:23] I later figured out, after having a relationship I thought would be short-term turn into the real deal, going on two years now,

[00:01:30] that it's a huge mistake to overthink things early on.

[00:01:33] I'm going to define a new relationship as the first six months.

[00:01:37] This is the don't-know-mind period.

[00:01:40] You don't know what will happen, so don't make assumptions.

[00:01:43] Anyway, let me tell you what this particularly astute therapist asked me to do.

[00:01:48] She asked me to really think about what I needed in a relationship.

[00:01:51] I'm not talking about superficial qualities in the other person that I thought I wanted.

[00:01:55] I'm talking about core internal needs that needed to be fulfilled.

[00:02:00] She told me to put pen to paper and create my own list.

[00:02:03] I took the exercise seriously, considered what had been missing in my past relationships,

[00:02:08] and wrote down what I hoped to find in the future.

[00:02:11] Here's what I came up with.

[00:02:12] Word for word, copied from the original paper.

[00:02:15] Safety and security.

[00:02:17] Not worrying what's happening in the relationship.

[00:02:20] Feeling reassured and loved unconditionally.

[00:02:23] Love and admiration.

[00:02:24] Feeling loved and admired for exactly who I am.

[00:02:27] Feeling love and admiration for the person I'm dating.

[00:02:30] Fun.

[00:02:31] Being able to be silly and relaxed.

[00:02:33] Communication and emotional connection.

[00:02:36] Feeling known and understood.

[00:02:38] Mutual respect.

[00:02:40] Arguing well and accepting responsibility, not to be right, but to compromise.

[00:02:45] Consistency.

[00:02:46] Learning and growing from each other.

[00:02:48] I learned from him, and vice versa.

[00:02:51] Physical attraction and intimacy.

[00:02:53] It may seem like a simple exercise, but let me tell you why it's also brilliant.

[00:02:58] The problem is that there are two dueling forces at work when you're dating.

[00:03:03] On one hand, there's the part of you that has an idea of the exact type of person you want to be with,

[00:03:08] in terms of age, appearance, profession, and maybe even down to interest in golf or rock climbing or world of Warcraft or whatever.

[00:03:15] This part doesn't want to waste time on anyone else.

[00:03:20] On the other hand, there may be a part of you that wants to give someone a chance, because you never know how things could turn out.

[00:03:27] So, how do you reconcile these two sides?

[00:03:30] Having a well-thought-out list of fundamental needs gives you an easy reference point for understanding if a relationship has the potential to make you happy in the long term.

[00:03:39] It allows you to bypass your brain, which is probably just overanalyzing everything and driving you crazy anyway, and tap into your intuition.

[00:03:48] To create a list like this, you need to dig deep and move beyond superficial criteria.

[00:03:54] For example, the following items do not belong on this list.

[00:03:58] He needs to be six feet tall.

[00:04:00] She needs to be under 30.

[00:04:02] He needs to make at least X amount of money.

[00:04:04] She needs a college degree.

[00:04:07] Instead, rephrase your needs and desires so that they're about you and not the other person.

[00:04:12] For example, he needs to be six feet tall becomes I need to be attracted to him.

[00:04:18] She needs to be under 30 becomes she needs to be as energetic as I am.

[00:04:24] He needs to make at least X amount of money becomes I need to respect his career ambitions.

[00:04:30] She needs a college degree becomes we need to have an intellectual connection.

[00:04:35] Every time I see a person cut short of relationship with someone they really like because he or she doesn't match externally,

[00:04:41] with who they thought they'd be with, it makes me cringe.

[00:04:45] You don't need the other person to be anything.

[00:04:47] You just need to feel a certain way with that person.

[00:04:52] So sit down, grab a pen and paper, and really consider what's important to you.

[00:04:57] Think about what kind of person you are and what has and hasn't worked for you before.

[00:05:01] General is better than specific.

[00:05:03] If you find yourself writing down something limiting or superficial,

[00:05:07] take a step back and try to deconstruct it so you're getting to the core of how that issue related to you.

[00:05:13] Keep it relatively short, no more than 10 criteria, or else you risk going off on unimportant tangents.

[00:05:20] So now that you have your list, let's move on.

[00:05:23] On one hand, you don't want to let someone pass you by for a stupid external reason.

[00:05:28] What about the opposite mistake?

[00:05:30] Staying with someone who judges you, who makes you feel uneasy, or overall doesn't treat you like the superstar you are.

[00:05:37] I remember in my younger days, before I developed the ironclad self-esteem I have today,

[00:05:41] I used to put up with **** like that.

[00:05:43] No more.

[00:05:44] And here is where your list comes into play.

[00:05:47] At any point when you're questioning your new relationship but aren't sure why,

[00:05:51] look at your list and ask yourself if your basic needs are being violated.

[00:05:56] If the answer is no, put your worries on the back burner and let whatever situation is bothering you play out.

[00:06:02] Don't look ahead 10 years and think,

[00:06:03] but I want to have 3 kids and he only wants 2, or

[00:06:06] I always thought I'd end up with another lawyer, give me a break.

[00:06:09] You can worry about those things much farther along the road.

[00:06:13] Don't walk away from a person who could make you really happy for a worry that may never even come to fruition.

[00:06:18] On the other hand, is this person violating your list by some permutation of not treating you well?

[00:06:24] That's where your alarm radar should go up.

[00:06:27] When you take the time to formulate a list like this, it helps to remove confusion.

[00:06:32] Instead of obsessing about whether your new relationship is perfect, which no relationship is,

[00:06:37] you can just ask yourself 2 questions.

[00:06:40] 1. Am I having fun? Do I want to go on another date with this person?

[00:06:44] 2. Is anything on my list getting violated?

[00:06:48] Keep it that simple.

[00:06:49] In early stages, the first 6 months when you stay in don't know mind, that is that simple.

[00:06:55] These months are a freebie.

[00:06:57] You just don't know what's going to happen or how everything will play out.

[00:07:01] Things that seem like big issues initially may disappear, or explosive initial chemistry may fizzle out.

[00:07:07] It's best not to make assumptions in either direction.

[00:07:10] I look back at my prolific dating days fondly.

[00:07:13] It was fun to go out to new places, meet new people, and get wined and dined.

[00:07:17] And it would have been a mistake to let the uncertainty of when and how I'd meet the right person create unnecessary anxiety and stress.

[00:07:25] Even if you make mistakes or fumble around the dating world like a blind person, like I have,

[00:07:30] everything will turn out alright in the end.

[00:07:32] Just stick to your core values and stay true to your needs in the process.

[00:07:40] You just listened to the post titled,

[00:07:43] How to Evaluate a New Relationship by Dr. Elena Miller of zenpsychiatry.com

[00:07:49] And we hear it again folks, Dr. Elena and her therapist doing such a great job of helping us sift through that which we want versus that which we need.

[00:07:59] It really is worth your time to know the difference.

[00:08:02] And just like with the exercise she performed, a great start to that can be asking ourselves what we want on the outside and what we want on the inside.

[00:08:12] We might also start by envisioning an absolutely perfect out of this world result,

[00:08:17] and chipping away from there piece by piece, seeing what sacrifices we're willing to make in what order,

[00:08:23] and thus staying as in control of our sacrifices as possible, which is a wonderful feeling.

[00:08:29] In times of frustration, it will be nice to look back and know that we've done our homework already to the best of our ability,

[00:08:35] and that now we're more likely facing something that's worth accepting and working with rather than changing altogether.

[00:08:42] So, thanks again to Dr. Elena for the insight, and thanks to all of you for being here with me through the end.

[00:08:48] It's been another wonderful episode, and you know there's more where that came from.

[00:08:52] So, come on back tomorrow where I will have another post for you, and where your optimal life awaits.

[00:08:57] .