2452: Should I Choose My Old Flame Over My Safe Boyfriend? by Evan Marc Katz on Dating and Marriage Advice

[00:00:00] Now before we start, you might want to check out our other podcasts covering topics like personal development and minimalism, money, health, relationships, and more. So to optimize your life in other areas, just search for Optimal Living Daily in your podcast app. Now on to the show. This is Optimal Relationships Daily. Should I Choose My Old Flame Over My Safe Boyfriend? By Evan Marc Katz of EvanMarcKatz.com

[00:00:29] Evan, I've been involved with Ken for two years. I met him through friends. He isn't exactly who I envisioned and we've had some tough challenges along the way. I think he's handsome and I know he's ethical, devoted, and loves me totally. I love him too. But my physical attraction to him has never been strong. I took a break from him when my mom died and went back to my hometown.

[00:00:52] Evan Marc I was praying to my mom and God to help me know the way. And then standing at the foot of the lake, I met Jim from my high school. It was an instant attraction for both of us. We have much in common and there is a sense of joy I've not known before. Here's the catch. Jim had a long affair while he was married, which he told me without prompting. I got scared and Ken kept working to win me back. What I have with Ken is very good. He's a great friend, I like him, and he's a great friend. I'm not going to win. He's a great friend, I like him, and he's a great friend. I'm not going to win. He's a great friend, I'm not going to win.

[00:01:22] And we have things in common too. But I still think of Jim, and I know he thinks of me. I don't want to throw something away with Ken and have regret. Jim feels we're meant for each other, and family and friends do too. How do I come to what's best for everyone? I would love your insight very much. It's been thrilling to see your success. Warm regards, Patty.

[00:01:45] Dear Patty, My heart breaks for you, darling. You lost your mom and your head is reeling. You're praying to God for dating advice. You're thinking of giving up your ethical devoted boyfriend for a man who is a proven cheater. And if that wasn't enough, you're asking to come to what's best for everyone. The only person who decides what's best for you is you. Got it? Really, you are making this way harder on yourself than you have to. Let's work backwards.

[00:02:13] His family and friends think it's best if you're with high school cheater Jim. Forget them. They don't have a vote. Neither does high school cheater Jim or devoted Ken. They want what's best for them, not what's best for you. Everyone else's opinions are irrelevant. Yes, including my own. But that's not going to stop me, of course.

[00:02:33] Now, let's understand that there are exceptions to every rule and aphorism out there. But that doesn't mean that there isn't truth to be found in, when someone shows you who he is, believe him. And, one in the hand is worth two in the bush. Jim has shown you who he is. He's an admitted cheater and borderline homewrecker who is trying to leverage the weight of his family and friends to convince you to leave your relationship.

[00:02:59] You want to willfully ignore all this because you feel more attraction towards him? Next, you have a man who is husband-worthy. How do I know this when I've never even met him? Jim, it's because you've chosen to date him for two years. And most women aren't big on wasting time on men who don't have husband potential. You've described him as handsome, ethical, devoted, and loves me totally. And you wrote, What I have with Ken is very good. He's a great friend, I like him, and we have things in common too.

[00:03:29] And you're willing to throw that all away for the wild card that is Jim. I know, the heart wants what the heart wants. But does the heart really know what it's doing? And is it actually the heart that's making your decisions for you? I'm betting it's not. Barry Schwartz, author of The Paradox of Choice, spoke to Lori Gottlieb when she was writing Marry Him. He put things in a very plain-spoken way that I would like to paraphrase for you, Patty. Basically, he said,

[00:03:58] We have to make choices with trade-offs. When you find an amazing guy like Ken, who may be an 8 on a 1-10 scale, you think of him as marriage material. But then, after a few years, you get accustomed to him. You see his flaws. He becomes more predictable and less exciting. Suddenly, your feelings drop from an 8 to a 6. You start telling yourself that you could do better. And along comes a guy like Jim. Your attraction to him makes him feel like a 10.

[00:04:27] You make your decision. You're going to toss out your 8 who's turned into a 6 for an exciting, passionate 10. Congratulations. What you haven't calculated is this. Your 10 is going to have his own set of issues which you may or may not be able to deal with on a daily basis. Attraction is not a solid foundation for a long-term relationship. Good communication and shared values is a much better predictor of success.

[00:04:53] So, you may be thrilled to get that extra rush of dopamine that comes from your initial attraction to Ken. But one day, that feeling is going to subside for both of you. Alas, your 10 will magically morph into a 6 as well. You may be able to put up with his issues, anger, jealousy, bossy, stubborn, busy. But Jim may decide that, after a few years of marriage to you, that he'd like to find a 10 that he's more passionate about.

[00:05:20] That's right. Even if your feelings for Jim stay strong, there will always be an undercurrent of fear in your relationship. It would be like being in the witness protection program. All you can do is hope that the status quo continues to hold. You pray that the cheater has really retired from cheating, even though you have no control over his actions. So, to bring it on home, when thinking of building a 40-year relationship, you'd better ask who is the safer bet.

[00:05:48] Is it the ethical, devoted guy, or the cheater? I don't judge you for choosing the cheater. But, I wouldn't be surprised if I got another email from you in 5 years either. You just listened to the post titled, Should I Choose My Old Flame Over My Safe Boyfriend? By Evan Markkatz of EvanMarkkatz.com And a great post today from Evan tackling a challenging question. Thank you to him for that.

[00:06:16] Evan does a really great job here of laying out not only objective truths about both men and Patty's lives, but also realistic future possibilities. Both of these can be very hard for Patty to see in the midst of both her personal turmoil at the moment, in addition to her flurry of feelings. But, while Evan is clearly leaning one way in his opinion, it'll also be crucial for Patty to get increasingly comfortable with not needing more, and understanding sacrifices in relationships,

[00:06:44] and how certain periods of life, like what she's going through right now, can temporarily make her less patient with those things. Until she's able to do that, I might suggest that she's not in a perfectly ideal spot as a partner. But, this is something we all go through, and whether or not our partners at the time stick with us while we go through these lulls, that depends. Hopefully, Patty is able to get through this challenging time, do her self-work, and become the best partner and individual that she can.

[00:07:13] And that is what we're all hoping to do here on ORD, right? Right. We are done for today though, friends. I will look forward to talking to you tomorrow, where your optimal life awaits.