2457: 7 Ways to Help Your Struggling Child by Adina Soclof of Parenting Simply on Advice for Parents

[00:00:00] This is Optimal Relationships Daily, 7 Ways to Help Your Struggling Child by Adina Soclof of ParentingSimply.com Many times children will perform well in school, and then slowly parents will notice a drop-off in their grades. That is what happened with Kelly Freeman. Her son, Mikey, 11, enjoyed going to school. He didn't love reading, but was doing well in all of his other subjects.

[00:00:27] As his sixth grade year progressed, his grades moved from A's and B's to some C's and one D. Kelly was concerned. She tried taking away his privileges if he didn't do his homework and setting up incentive programs. Nothing seemed to work. She felt if he just put in more effort, he would be able to do well. It's difficult to motivate children to learn. It's one of the toughest challenges parents and educators have. Parents have a vested interest in their child's school performance.

[00:00:56] If their child fails, they think they have failed as parents. They also feel it is a direct reflection on their parenting abilities. They blame themselves and confront their child in anger. A child then feels the pressure of having disappointed their parents. Besides their difficulties in school, they are now also dealing with the emotions of dragging their parents down. This causes children to feel even more discouraged and further compromises their academic career.

[00:01:24] Many times parents will say to their child, if you just try harder, you can do better. It's difficult for children to listen to this type of vague directive. Many times, children have problems with school and they don't know how to even begin to improve their grades. They become embarrassed by their limitations. They will resort to clowning around or acting tough to cover their insecurities. This behavior can anger parents and teachers and distract them from focusing on the underlying academic issues.

[00:01:53] There are many ways we can help our children when they are struggling in school. Here are 7 simple steps to help you manage. 1. Stay calm. Recognize that you are not solely responsible for your child's academic success. When your child comes home with a bad grade, get objective. Tell yourself,

[00:02:12] My son came home with a D. That's too bad. What is he missing that he needs help with? What can I help him do so that he can succeed and take responsibility for his work? 2. You are so smart. Don't praise your child for his intelligence, saying things like, You are the brightest kid I know. Instead, make sure to praise him for working hard and for persevering at a difficult task.

[00:02:39] 3. Children who are praised for putting in effort are more likely to keep trying when they encounter setbacks. They know they have control over their ability to learn. 4. Children who are told they are smart have a harder time with school. They give up when they have to complete assignments that leave them feeling not so smart. 3. Don't get mad. Instead of reacting to your child's poor grade with anger, respond with kindness and understanding.

[00:03:05] If you respond in frustration to your child's less-than-perfect schoolwork, you actually decrease your child's motivation to learn. It's important to periodically say, I hope you know I love you no matter what your grades are. Try to place the responsibility for his schoolwork back on your child where it belongs. Try saying, I am sure you are disappointed with your grade. Let me know if I can help you or support you in any way. 4. Avoid power struggles.

[00:03:35] When we engage in power struggles with our children, all learning stops. Children cannot learn when they are upset. We need to avoid the downward spiral into conflict. We can say, I will always love you. I want you to make good choices in life, even about school. I have faith that you can turn yourself around. I will always be here if you need some suggestions. 5. Keep your relationships positive.

[00:04:02] The best thing you can do for your children is to maintain a loving relationship with them. Children who feel loved unconditionally will more likely do well in school. Don't let your child feel that your approval is based on his grades. It's a recipe for disaster. Instead of wasting your energy on managing your child's schoolwork, develop ways to spend quality time with your child. It's a better use of time. 6. Talk to teachers.

[00:04:31] Set up a meeting to talk to your son's teachers. Make sure to set a positive tone to the meeting. Start the conversation in a non-confrontational way. I've been noticing a decline in Sarah's grades. Have you noticed anything? Is there anything I can do at home to help him? What is your opinion of her academic performance? 7. Get tested. Children sometimes will lag behind their peers because of subtle learning differences. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses.

[00:05:00] There are standardized tests that can help pinpoint deficits in learning. In Mikey's case, Kelly spoke to his teachers. They acknowledged that sixth grade can be more challenging for kids, even children who have always done well. Kelly spoke to Mikey calmly, and he confided that he was having a hard time understanding the written work. He was too embarrassed to ask for assistance. His teachers were made aware of this and set up a system where Mikey could get some extra help.

[00:05:27] Kelly reported that his grades this semester have improved overall. You just listened to the post titled 7 Ways to Help Your Struggling Child by Adina Sokloff of ParentingSimply.com And thanks a lot to Adina today. Definitely looking past the old methodology of blindly telling children to work harder, which is appreciated. The fact that she's looking past that is appreciated, mind you.

[00:05:56] She's really onto something here with praising children for the effort they put in as opposed to the result, as that really aids kids, and adults for that matter, to focus on that which they can control. However, the only supplement to this approach is to show the same compassion to kids when you've taught them that lesson, but they can't muster up the energy to keep putting effort in sometimes. At that point, though, I think we can take a second look at Adina's guidance today,

[00:06:24] because a lot of what she said applies just as well to children who are lacking motivation. Rather than scolding them in times that they are having a hard time doing all the work they normally would, turn the conversation towards what else might be wrong, what else in their lives may be affecting their normal levels of effort, how you can help, how you can support, and reminding them of your love. As we should be doing for ourselves, everybody. That wraps us up for today. Thanks so much for joining me and making another episode possible.

[00:06:54] I will be back with you tomorrow with more, because relationships don't stop. So, I'll see you on the other side, everybody, where your optimal life awaits.