2458: The Art of Imperfection in Your Marriage by Kristena Eden of Core Living Essentials on Marital Advice

[00:00:00] Now before we start, you might want to check out our other podcasts covering topics like personal development and minimalism, money, health, relationships, and more. So to optimize your life in other areas, just search for Optimal Living Daily in your podcast app. Now on to the show. This is Optimal Relationships Daily, The Art of Imperfection in Your Marriage by Kristena Eden of CoreLivingEssentials.com

[00:00:28] Question. When we first got married, I believed that the guy I was marrying was so amazing that he could do no wrong. Then, as time went on, I found that he is just impossible at times. How could I have been so blind? Sometimes I feel he even purposefully tries to annoy me. Is this really marriage? Answer. Let go of what you think your marriage should be and embrace what it is.

[00:00:55] As long as you have married an imperfect human, then that is marriage. Imperfect. Yet there are some important keys that can change that should-have-been marriage to a marriage of love and devotion.

[00:01:08] I had a client who came to me with the following scenario. They wanted that perfect marriage. So they decided to try and find the problems. On a separate piece of paper for three days, they would write down all of their concerns or what they felt their partner needed to change to make their marriage better. After three days, they shared their findings. The wife started with her very long list of things she felt he needed to change. She started by saying,

[00:01:37] I really don't like it when you do this, or this, or this, or this. She went on for all six pages. The husband became despondent and felt really hurt as she kept going on down her list. After she had finished, she was feeling that maybe, finally, she was going to find some relief.

[00:01:57] She then turned to her husband and said, Okay, now it's your turn. He very calmly stated that he had tried and tried to find something about her that he wanted to change and that he could not find a single thing. He then handed her the blank piece of paper. He again said that he loved everything about her. He even loved the frustrating times they had. At that moment, she broke down in tears and gave him a hug. That was a life-changing experience for them both.

[00:02:26] That is the key to making your marriage perfect. A perfect place to learn, a perfect place to live and grow, and a perfect place to find that together, you are good enough. The following are the gifts that you get from your imperfect marriage. Love

[00:02:43] Many of us mistake love to be only a feeling, maybe even an overpowering feeling. Yet depending on our mood, these feelings can go up and down. Feelings are transient, so love needs to be more than just a feeling. According to social psychology, love is emotions, behaviors, and cognitions all working together.

[00:03:05] This is where we need to understand that love really is a verb, or that we need to do more than just feel. We need to work at it. Some questions to ask yourself. What is it that makes my spouse feel loved? Can I and am I willing to do that for him or her? What can I do to bring more to the relationship? Empathy It is easy to fall into a rut or trap and take each other for granted.

[00:03:34] Then, because of human nature, we start to notice each other's failings. The first step to increasing empathy is to focus on his or her strengths. Turn your focus from being turned into yourself and your needs to being more turned to him and his strengths and all of the good that he does. Notice what he is feeling. What is in his heart? That is not easily done, especially if we are hurting ourselves. Yet that is a way to change your relationship for the better.

[00:04:03] When you notice what he or she is feeling, then that is a good time to tell him what you see. When you validate his feelings, that makes him feel that he really is good enough and he is important enough to you that you are noticing. Connection Recognize that even in the middle of a conflict, both you and your spouse long to be seen, understood, and of worth. Some key points to remember.

[00:04:30] Respond sensitively to each other with no loud voices or blaming. Be emotionally available. Do not let yourself get distracted when you need to be present with your partner. Make the relationship the most important. What is for the good of the relationship? Build trust. Start with doing what you promised to do, or if that is not possible, then talk it over. Remember, neither of you can read minds. Speak your mind in a kind way.

[00:04:58] And find ways to renew the spark. Try something different together, or go back to when you first met and do what you did at the time you were totally in love. Living with another human being is bound to bring some conflict. And the quickest way to feel stuck and not gaining peace is to avoid conflict. Yet the conflict needs to be handled in a peaceful manner. An imperfect marriage can bring those amazing gifts of love, empathy, connection, and peace.

[00:05:28] Remember, we are imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid. Yet that doesn't change the truth that we can have a great marriage. You just listened to the post titled, The Art of Imperfection in Your Marriage, by Christina Eden of CoreLivingEssentials.com Such an important post from Christina today.

[00:05:53] A really sobering look at marriage and how we can, quite frankly, embrace the realities of it. And one thing that I think was a big theme in this post, and that we've mentioned before, is the importance of showing love or committing acts of love. This is a huge portion of being in love or in a loving relationship, but it's regularly overlooked. Love requires work, in the sense that we can and should always show love to our partners, even if we don't want to.

[00:06:24] Whether because we're angry or just tired. It's watching their favorite movie with them, even if you hate it. It's making their lunch for work tomorrow, even if you just had a big fight. Separating ourselves from the efforts of love and marriage is where expectation comes in. And that often leads to trouble, as was the case with the person who submitted the question that Christina answered. So put yourself in the driver's seat by taking action with your partner

[00:06:50] and holding both of yourselves accountable to creating more love in this way. So, that will do it for today, folks. I really appreciate you being here, as always. I hope you enjoyed this post and that it helped you to rethink some of your relationship troubles, even if you don't find new solutions right away. I am off for now, though, friends. Thank you so much for listening today, and I will be back with you tomorrow for another insightful episode where your optimal life awaits. Thank you.