2475: Why My Relationship Failed And What You Can Learn From It Today by Eddie Corbano of Loves A Game

[00:00:00] Now before we start, you might want to check out our other podcasts covering topics like personal development and minimalism, money, health, relationships, and more. So to optimize your life in other areas, just search for Optimal Living Daily in your podcast app. Now on to the show. This is Optimal Relationships Daily, Why My Relationship Failed And What You Can Learn From It Today by Eddie Corbano of Lovesagame.com

[00:00:29] A few months before my breakup happened, everything seemed fine. It wasn't all perfect, but still we were together. So I thought. I felt, however, that my affection towards her wasn't built on healthy ground. The love I had for her began to feel more and more like a painful dependence than actual love.

[00:00:47] I remember talking to a friend a few months before the actual breakup happened. I remember saying something to him that sounds so terribly sick to me today, but actually perfectly defined my psychological condition which I've described. He confided in me his worries about the relationship with his girlfriend and that they had somehow grown apart. He was worried that they were going to split up. I remember it as if it had happened yesterday. I told him that I was sorry and added this little sentence to it.

[00:01:17] If my girlfriend were ever to leave me, my life would be over. A few months after that, I was dumped for real. And it just felt for a relatively long time exactly as if my life was over. It was a self-fulfilling prophecy. That little sentence, which I added so lightly back then, as though I was bulletproof from heartbreak, revealed a lot about me at that time. It was the arrogant statement of someone who felt that he was doomed.

[00:01:46] Someone who would rather take the easy way out than deal with his own shortcomings. What did that say about me? And could it be your problem too? The Bottomless Pit During the whole relationship, I strongly believed a few key things that I now know defined how I reacted towards her. These beliefs happened to shape our whole relationship. I felt that she was the best thing that had ever happened to me. That she was the most beautiful girlfriend I'd ever had.

[00:02:14] And here it comes, that I didn't deserve her at all. Being with her felt as if Cupid had somehow made a terrible mistake. I distinctly remember that this was my main and strongest belief. That she was way too good for me. Such a belief is very powerful. And it will take its toll eventually. And so it did. You just don't love yourself much, do you? Someone said to me after it happened. And that was right on. The underlying issue was a lack of self-love and self-esteem.

[00:02:44] What happens then is that you define yourself through this relationship. You experience self-worth only through your partner. And this will lead to all kinds of toxic relationship symptoms. You'll be overly jealous. You'll be controlling and demanding. You'll think that you're the only one who cares for this relationship. You'll suck the life out of the relationship by making it all about you. And all of this makes sense when you keep in mind that you have to feed this hungry and all-consuming need.

[00:03:13] Receiving self-worth from your partner. The moment this toxic and selfish need isn't met, you'll feel bad and manipulate your partner into feeling the same. It's a bottomless pit. It will become a destructive pattern that will eventually cost the relationship. Are you making the same mistake? Why am I telling you this? Should you suffer from a breakup right now, chances are that you went through a similar pattern. I'm not saying that it was you who destroyed the relationship with toxic behavior.

[00:03:42] Because not all of us resort to such behavior when this need of significance isn't met. Many of us withdraw, become depressive, disconnect, and maybe fall into a passive-aggressive pattern. But what most of us have in common is the lack of a sense of our worth. A strong disconnection from our real me. The good news is that when you know what the disease is, then you can start looking for a cure. It's easy to fall into despair when you can't connect the dots.

[00:04:11] And you'll just feel like you're erasing the vicious cycle of failed relationships. When you suffer through a recent breakup, and you believe that you fall into the described category, then there are three things you must do. Remove your self-worth giver. Go no contact. Reconnect with your true self. And work on your self-worth. Conclusion Quote, Don't rely on someone else for your happiness and self-worth. Only you can be responsible for that.

[00:04:40] If you can't love and respect yourself, no one else will be able to make that happen. Accept who you are, completely, the good and the bad, and make changes as you see fit. Not because you think someone else wants you to be different. End quote. That's by Stacy Charter. The sentence I said to my friends so many years ago perfectly predicted my future suffering. It condensed so well what my core problem was, and how it pervaded and corrupted the relationship I had.

[00:05:09] This was of course only one of the reasons for my breakup. The other main one was a huge incompatibility between the two of us, and a bunch of minor things. All of which I've learned about in my recovery, and the relationship inventory that I've made. If you find yourself struggling with similar things that I did back then, then I urge you to work on yourself. Work on yourself hard and break that cycle of failed relationships that you are most probably going to go through your whole life.

[00:05:35] Because one fatal peculiarity of looking for self-worth outside of yourself is that it doesn't really go away. It keeps sabotaging your relationships and attracting the wrong partners. That's why we keep running into the same kind of relationships over and over again. Start to break the cycle today, and attract the right partner for you, so that sometime in the future, instead of the sentence I said, you might say, I love being in this relationship, but if it were to end for whatever reason,

[00:06:04] I would be okay. I won't lose myself. This is what I wholeheartedly wish for you. You just listened to the post titled, Why My Relationship Failed, and What You Can Learn From It Today by Eddie Corbano of lovesagame.com And thanks so much to Eddie for this amazing reminder about self-worth. Even if your relationship is in a great place,

[00:06:32] it's never a bad time to check in with yourself about this and really consider how much value and balance you've cultivated in your life that has nothing to do with your relationship. I challenge anyone out there listening right now, if you're in a relationship with someone, take this opportunity to think critically about what else in your life you enjoy. What kind of stuff is there on the outside and on the inside? How much do you love yourself on a scale from 1 to 10? If necessary,

[00:07:01] are there ways that you can care for yourself more, both in terms of your routine and your inner commentary? This may feel like a really scary road to go down, and though it may feel counterintuitive, I promise you that getting serious about these questions will only strengthen the bond you have with your partner as the attachment will become more secure rather than avoidant or anxious. It's not about giving more, it's about giving better. The better you can give to yourself, the better you can give to your partner.

[00:07:30] So, good luck with that homework, folks. I'm getting out of here for now, but I wish you a great rest of your day, and I hope that you will join me again tomorrow for another post where your optimal life awaits.