2487: Social Skills For Girls AND Why You Can Trust Your Parenting Instincts by Adina Soclof of Parenting Simply

[00:00:00] This is Optimal Relationships Daily, Social Skills for Girls, How to Manage Friendships by Adina Soclof of ParentingSimply.com Our children learn so much from how we act and our own behavior. We need to model appropriate social behavior, being friendly, making time for friends a priority, and by acting in a way that shows respect for others. Refraining from gossip and talking about friends behind their back is important as well.

[00:00:30] We want to teach kids the basics of choosing good friends and being a good friend. People who know how to choose good friends look for steady confidants, and people who like you for who you really are. Good friends are those that value you for yourself and share common interests. As adults, we know that it's okay for friends to make some mistakes, but we also know that if you are constantly feeling put down or controlled, then that friendship should end.

[00:00:57] When we want to get this message to our kids, in addition to our modeling that behavior, we can use the talk out loud technique. When our kids are in earshot, we can let them overhear our conversations with our spouse or even ourselves. The Schwartz's just had a baby. I'm going to go bring them over a lasagna. Or, this one friend that I have always seems to criticize me, my hair, my clothes. I know that people who do that are insecure about themselves.

[00:01:26] At any rate, I think I need to say something to her. Listen to your daughter. Social conflict can be painful at all ages. Sometimes, watching our children go through difficulties with their friends can bring us back to our own childhood. It may stir up old hurts and social anxieties. We need to separate our own emotions from our daughters. It doesn't help to rush in and fix the problem.

[00:01:52] We need to give our daughters the tools that they need to independently manage their social issues. One way to do that is to give girls a safe space to vent their feelings. No advice, no interventions. Just listening. Many times, a conversation with our daughter about their friends goes like this. Daughter, Molly didn't let me sit next to her at lunch. She is so mean. Mom, I don't know why you play with that girl. You are always complaining that she is not nice to you.

[00:02:22] You need to find someone who is truly a good friend. Daughter, there is no one else to play with. Mom, what about Kayla? What about Shayna? You never play with Rachel. You used to play with her a lot. This kind of conversation can just exacerbate the situation. Although the mom is trying to be helpful, her underlying message is, you don't know how to be a friend or manage friendships.

[00:02:47] What our daughters need most is for us to carry on a conversation that gently reflects what they are saying. Daughter, Molly didn't let me sit next to her at lunch. She is so mean. Mom, that could be upsetting. Daughter, yeah. She said that she got a chocolate bar from her uncle and she didn't want to share it. Mom, oh, a chocolate bar from her uncle. Daughter, yeah. If I had a chocolate bar, I would share it with her.

[00:03:16] Mom, you would feel comfortable sharing a chocolate bar with a good friend? Daughter, she never brings candy to school. Her mom only packs her healthy stuff. She usually does share. Mom, she usually is able to share her stuff. When we empathize with our daughters and reflect back what they are saying, they can hear themselves think. They are also more likely to come to their own conclusions on how to manage their own social situations.

[00:03:44] To help them further, we can also ask them, do you want to vent or do you want advice? When we empathize and take the time to listen, we send our children the following message. This is not a bad situation. You can handle this. You can manage this friendship and make good decisions about your friends. Unless we know for sure that there is overt bullying going on, this is the best course of action.

[00:04:15] Why You Can Trust Your Parenting Instincts by Adina Sokloff of ParentingSimply.com As a parent, there is a never-ending supply of tips and advice you get from books, blogs, and other parents. With so much wisdom out there, many parents routinely look to outside sources for help instead of listening to their inner voice. This might leave some wondering if raising your child is best left to the experts or if you can trust your parenting instincts.

[00:04:45] It's okay to trust your feelings. No one knows your kids better than you do as their parent. When it comes to what they like or what makes them more comfortable, you have a better understanding of your children than anyone. Of course, this awareness doesn't happen right away. You didn't know or understand all of your baby's needs from the moment he or she was born. It was a learning process. But you've been with them all of their lives and know what their likes and needs are.

[00:05:13] If a parenting blog's advice doesn't feel right for you or your kids, it probably isn't. Trust your gut. Every situation is different. While going with your gut might be the best thing to do in some situations, you should seek more feedback about your issue. It's always a good idea to seek out a trusted friend or guide. It's very important to take some time to consider each situation and what your instincts are telling you that you should do.

[00:05:41] Sometimes our emotions can make it difficult to see what is best for our kids because our heart wants us to do what makes them happy. How to find balance In order to avoid investing too much in either the advice of others or our own, sometimes misguided, instincts, it's important to become accustomed to relying a bit on both. If the advice you hear lines up with what your gut was telling you, it may mean that you were right in the first place.

[00:06:07] Other parents won't know every detail of your own family's unique situation, but their tips might still bring a fresh perspective. It never hurts to learn a bit about parenting styles or strategies that are different than your own, but it's also up to you to decide which of these will work for your family and which you have a bad feeling about. While your parenting instincts are by no means foolproof, it's important that you take them into consideration when you make decisions that affect you or your family.

[00:06:37] When it comes down to whether or not a particular parenting strategy will work, there are many important factors that only you as the parent could know about. Remember that no one is perfect and no parent comes up with the best solution to every one of life's sticky situations. While you can't always trust your parenting instinct, you should always listen to it and consider what your feelings tell you about a situation.

[00:07:05] You just listened to the posts titled, Social Skills for Girls, How to Manage Friendships, and Why You Can Trust Your Parenting Instincts, both by Adina Sokloff of ParentingSimply.com. And a great couple of works from Adina today, which we are so thankful for. I absolutely love the piece about listening and reflecting back what we hear from our children. A really simple yet great strategy for supporting children and adults alike.

[00:07:33] I promise it works, I promise, even if it does seem silly or repetitious sometimes. And a wonderful second post from Adina as well. And while I do think it's important for parents to trust their guts, like she said, we also just have to stay aware of our own biases, our own hurts, and how they can and do limit our opinions and our abilities to be open toward certain things.

[00:07:56] So, when it comes to being exposed to new parenting strategies that may go against the grain of what your gut is telling you, I encourage you to at least question your gut and know that sometimes our gut feelings are really our own struggles that we've not yet overcome and would rather resist. Not always, but enough that it's worth examining challenging ideas, whether or not they relate to parenting. So, that's going to do it for today, friends.

[00:08:23] Thanks so much for joining me and enjoying this doubleheader from Adina. Enjoy your Saturday if you're listening in real time. And I'll see you back here tomorrow for our regularly scheduled episode, as well as our weekly bonus episode. That's where your optimal life awaits.