2491: Do You Stay or Do You Go by Evan Marc Katz on How to Spot Red Flags and Dating Advice

[00:00:00] This is Optimal Relationships Daily, Do You Stay or Do You Go by Evan Marc Katz of EvanMarcKatz.com If you've ever asked yourself how long you should wait or how much you should put up with from a man, this blog post is for you. In fact, I'm going to give away in the next 1,000 words the fundamental principle that I use for all of my dating coaching clients. If you are dating and routinely questioning your own judgment with men, I can help.

[00:00:30] What I want to talk about today is a phenomenon that comes up all the time in dating coaching. How do you know what behavior to tolerate from men? As a man, I wasn't sure I could be entirely objective about this, not until I learned that I have a much better radar than most of my women clients. Colleen went out with a man who lied about his age by eight years and then complained on the first date that he hadn't been intimate in two years.

[00:00:57] He couldn't stop talking about how unfair it was to be an older man who just wanted to sleep with younger women. She was going to give this man a second date. Michaela was corresponding with the man online. He told her he was going to make plans with her and then he disappeared without a trace. He came back two months later and did the same thing a second time. Then he came back a third time. She gave him another shot. He disappeared again.

[00:01:24] So when I'm talking about how my radar is better than yours, it's not because I'm smarter or more experienced. It's because I am a man. And as a man, a self-aware moral man who always sought love, I can tell you if it's a forgivable offense or if you should cut him loose right there. I am in no way an apologist for men. I've done plenty of things that should have gotten me cut loose but didn't. And I've done plenty of things that shouldn't have gotten me cut loose but did.

[00:01:53] The thing for you to distinguish is whether a man is having a bad moment or whether he's a bad man for you. They're two different things entirely. We all have lapses when someone could judge us harshly. Now imagine you were out with a man and you got on the topic of dating. And somehow, organically, he asked you about your ex, the one who cheated on you with your best friend. It's still raw, it's still painful, and you never did forgive him.

[00:02:21] And because your date is so cute and such a good listener, you feel comfortable telling him the truth about your ex, that he was really a jerk who completely disappointed you and destroyed your trust in men. You share how you've tried to get over him for two years, and although you occasionally check his Facebook page, don't we all, you're finally ready for a real, healthy relationship. Would you be surprised if this guy said to himself,

[00:02:46] Whoa, this woman has some serious relationship and trust issues, not to mention a lot of unresolved anger towards men. I think I'm going to pass on her. No, you would not be. But, he would also be missing out on you. Smart, attractive, kind, wonderful you. And all because you were honest about your conflicted feelings towards your ex. Wouldn't it be a shame if you got judged for that one minor lapse on the date? Yeah, it's the same thing for us. We're not perfect gentlemen.

[00:03:16] We're not mind readers. We usually say what we think, even if you don't like it or agree. We want to get into bed, but we also want to find love, and we want to do it at our own pace. And sometimes, because we are independently thinking creatures, we're going to do something that really upsets you. Commenting on another woman's looks, moving too fast, failing to do something you want, like picking up a check, opening a car door, or figuring out our future instantly after date one.

[00:03:45] These may be bad moments, but they are not necessarily bad men. You are entitled to break up with a guy who does these things, in hopes of finding a man who never, ever upsets you. But, that's the wrong kind of calculus. I know lots of men who flirt with other women, jump into bed too quickly, and fail to intuit every womanly need you have. That's because I'm one of those men. And the only reason I get to give advice to you is because I had so much experience, and so much feedback,

[00:04:15] that I was better able to learn how to please. Even today, as someone who coaches women in understanding men for four hours a day, I still do things that make my wife cringe. I'm grateful that she sees the good in me, rather than focusing on the bad. So, what shouldn't you put up with? The couples that make it are the ones who don't sweat the small stuff, and don't tolerate the big stuff. But those aren't always obvious.

[00:04:42] A guy who finds other women attractive doesn't necessarily have a character flaw. He's a man. He's attracted to other women. But if he's going home with you, you probably shouldn't care too much. You just listened to the post titled, Do You Stay or Do You Go? by Evan Mark Katz of EvanMarkKatz.com. Really great post by Evan today.

[00:05:09] Thanks a lot to him for always being a regular contributor here on the show. A really interesting post to chew on, right? Especially as our concern about any flaw in our potential partners seems to be much more magnified these days than in times past. It's an odd problem right now, as we have so many dating options, and want to do so right by ourselves, that we seem to have gone past the point of sacrifice. Well-intentioned, but destructive nonetheless.

[00:05:37] So, if you find yourself feeling this way, come back to this post of Evan's, and really try to focus on the bigger picture of those who you go out with. Understand their nerves, and understand their off days the same way you would understand your own. If you're able to do this, and if you're aware of your hopefully few non-negotiables in a dating partner, it'll become easier to differentiate a truly unacceptable character trait from a momentary slip that really doesn't reflect a person on the other side of the table,

[00:06:05] or the relationship you might want to have with them. So, thanks again to Evan, and thanks to all of you for being here with me for another episode. We have reached the end, everyone. So, have a great rest of your day. Continue to tend to those relationships. And be sure to join us again tomorrow as we continue the road to more love in our lives, and where your optimal life awaits.