2500: Why You Shouldn’t Ask “Are You Going To Have Kids” by Alysha Jeney of Modern Love Counseling

[00:00:00] This is Optimal Relationships Daily, Why You Shouldn't Ask Are You Going To Have Kids by Alysha Jeney of ModernLoveCounseling.com Are you going to have kids may seem like an innocent question. Our culture especially finds this a normal topic of conversation considering it is just assumed that everyone wants children or can have them.

[00:00:23] I work with an array of clients varying in relationship status. Single, dating, in a relationship or relationships, married. My clients have been extremely successful in one way or another and many tend to have their own definition of what they'd like their future to look like, with or without children. I've recently been hearing from clients and friends about how the question, are you going to have kids, in small talk, can be extremely stressful when their situations are

[00:00:53] not as cut and dry as the person asking may expect them to be. We've all heard it, been asked it, or have even asked the simple question, are you going to have kids? Our culture and society play a huge role in influencing us to feel, believe, and or experience pressures and insecurities. Universally, it seems to be more of a norm and expectation that one of our top priorities should be to have children.

[00:01:19] Whether that norm is something we agree with and have wanted for ourselves since we were young, or is something that unfortunately causes internal conflict because we are uncertain, or is something we desire but is unattainable, this question has a lot more depth than a yes or no question. Sometimes people find themselves having to wait longer to have children because they are single and looking for a partner to settle down with.

[00:01:44] Other times, people find themselves in situations where they have a partner and a desire to have children, but biologically cannot. Some people find themselves with one child, but not able or wanting a second one. In addition, more and more people are also choosing to not have children and or get married at all. Everyone's unique situation and choice is different. So, when we meet someone for the first time and are having a surface-level conversation,

[00:02:12] we may not even realize that we may be opening up a raw wound for someone when prompting a simple question such as, Do you have children? When are you going to have kids? Or, When are you going to have another one? Maybe asking about children is strictly out of curiosity or to make the small talk less uncomfortable, But, unfortunately, this simple question can bring up a lot of emotion for someone who may be struggling with the complexities that are not on our superficial radar.

[00:02:41] Let's consider the following scenarios that may make the question, Are you going to have kids? A sore subject. This person is or has struggled with infertility slash health issues and biologically can't conceive. This person has been in a painful feud with their partner for years regarding children, and one person wants them while the other one doesn't. This person is in a relationship with someone of the same sex, and they have been struggling with where to start the process.

[00:03:11] This person has had a traumatizing experience with losing a child or children or pregnancies. This person is single and has extreme desires to become a parent one day, but doesn't have a partner at the moment to make their dreams a reality. This person is married, but as a couple has chosen to not have children and feels uncomfortable explaining that to others. This person has experienced a discouraging adoption process that did not work out.

[00:03:37] This person adopted a child, but doesn't want to explain their unique process to others in a superficial conversation. This person has a child, but can't have another one. This person is in the midst of fertility treatment and feels uneasy about it. Or, this person doesn't want children at all and feels sensitive to judgment. With these few examples, and yes, there are many others, I hope you can imagine the pain and discomfort that this question can inflict onto someone

[00:04:05] if they're struggling with healing from a difficult experience and or feel stuck in an upsetting process when it comes to their relationship or relationships and family planning. Oftentimes, asking about children imply we are supposed to have them, and it can be hurtful for people who may have difficulties creating this for themselves and or who have chosen not to have them at all. Please be cautious of how or when you prompt questions like this to other people,

[00:04:33] because it may not have a cut-and-dry answer and may really upset someone. Instead of asking, are you going to have kids, try being more mindful of these potentials going forward. As a tip, to avoid hurting someone unintentionally, consider trying the following small talk question instead. What do you enjoy doing on your free time? This opens up the conversation to potentially talk about children if they, say, enjoy spending time with their kid or kids,

[00:05:02] or gives you more content to work with in the conversation about their hobbies and interests if they don't have children or simply don't have interest in talking about their personal life in too much detail. You just listened to the post titled, Why You Shouldn't Ask, Are You Going to Have Kids? by Alicia Janey of ModernLoveCounseling.com Okay, and big thanks to Alicia for this post.

[00:05:30] Certainly a very considerate and compassionate article, as are all of her works. And I really like that angle. It's of utmost importance to consider other people's possible pain points when we speak to them. It's something I certainly try to do. But I can't help but to wonder about the other side. So how this would look if taken to the extreme, and just kind of playing devil's advocate, because that's what I do.

[00:05:55] There are so many ways in which we might find ourselves bringing up sore subject matter. People's traumas and difficulties stem from so many different sources. For example, I love Alicia's idea about asking someone what they do with their free time as an alternative. But even that type of question could lend itself to a list of potential pain points. So, what do we do with this? Well, obviously certain types of questions,

[00:06:22] you know, questions about having children likely being one of them, are more volatile when it comes to maybe being hurtful to others. So you have to play the odds. But you must also not be so cautious as to never try to connect with anyone out of fear of hurting them. And you must anticipate that you will inevitably bring up something that's difficult for the person you're interacting with at some point if it's an extended relationship. That being said, focus more on how you can be supportive, empathetic,

[00:06:50] and curious about helping them if this does happen, and they let you know that you brought up a tough subject. It's a good way to prepare yourself for what happens beyond the discussion of a difficult matter, staying one step ahead, and being ready to work on the relationship if need be. Okay, that's all for me, everyone. Thank you as always for coming today for what I felt was another great post, also a post that I enjoyed offering some of my own thoughts on. We're out of here for now, though, but there will be more tomorrow as we enter our parenting leg of the week.

[00:07:20] So come on back and listen then, where your optimal life awaits.