2505: Stop Zoning Out In Your Relationships and Start Being Present - Truly Present by Lisa Merlo-Booth

[00:00:00] This is Optimal Relationships Daily. Stop Zoning Out In Your Relationships and Start Being Present. Truly Present by Lisa Merlo-Booth of lisamerlo-booth.com In times of stress and overwhelm, I have an enormously difficult time being truly present, and my family feels it.

[00:00:21] I often believe I'm hiding my distracted mind by nodding my head at the appropriate time, saying yes slash uh-huh in a timely way, or looking at the speaker in the eye at just the right moment. The only person I'm fooling, however, is me. I'm betting that many of you know exactly what I'm talking about. You've either done what I'm talking about or have been on the receiving end of someone zoning out on you. Either way, it's not a good position to be in.

[00:00:48] Because we are only human, there are going to be times when we're not present. The occasional zone out is not a problem. The frequent zone out, however, is. In the spirit of helping couples and families, I'm posting a list of tips to help you be truly present for your loved ones. I know that in my family, if I'm stressed and constantly thinking about all the things I have to do, my children begin to distance from me.

[00:01:13] If I don't regroup, and quickly, it can take what seems like an eternity to get back into my children's good graces. This is not okay for my children or me. My distracted mind sends them the message that they're not important. The ripple effect of receiving this message over time is self-esteem issues, anger towards me, resentment towards my work, and a rift in our relationship. Although I'm using myself as an example, I see this happen in families everywhere.

[00:01:42] Men are traveling several days a month, women are working longer hours in their careers, and children are starving for more attention. Couples are fighting exhaustion, stress, hectic family schedules, and impossible demands. Consequently, people are struggling with being present everywhere. As a result, relationships are taking a hit. Men and women alike are complaining they are no longer in love with their partner.

[00:02:06] A key contributing factor, I believe, to this lack of intimacy is the prolonged effects of people not being present. The more we tune out, the more our love drops off. If you want your relationship with your children, partner, and friends to be a strong one, be present. Here are quick tips to keep you zoned in. 1. Check in with your loved ones daily. Ask about their day and listen with interest to their answers.

[00:02:34] Look them in the eye while they're talking and add thoughtful comments, not mindless responses. 2. Several nights a week, have a 10-20 minute conversation with your partner about your days. Make sure the kids are in bed, the TV is either on mute or off, and neither of you is on the computer while you're talking. Share your day with your partner, even if you think they're not interested. If you are not interested in your partner's day, then get interested.

[00:03:01] 3. Be aware of any significant events of that day, such as sports events, school events, difficult tests, struggles with friends, etc. Ask your child about the event as a way of showing you were thinking about them. These conversations can be less than 5 minutes, but the message you send by asking lasts forever. This is true for your partner as well. Ask about important meetings, health issues, etc.

[00:03:27] 4. Write your partner and children small notes periodically to wish them luck. Tell them you care or apologize for your lack of presence. A quick note can go a long way toward keeping connections strong. 5. Snuggle, hug, and give kisses. Show affection. Amid work, family schedules, errands, sickness, and stress, couples and families can become aloof and cold. This isn't a purposeful cold shoulder.

[00:03:54] It's a natural distance that comes from not paying attention. Pay attention. It only takes a moment to give a child or a spouse a hug, kiss, or high-five. Make it a habit to hug and kiss your partner hello and goodbye. Take the time to do great big family hugs. You can even include the family dog. When you're watching TV, sit on the same couch and hold hands. When watching a movie together, watch it technology-free. No cell phones, computers, or texting. Just be present and watch the movie.

[00:04:23] Many of us believe that being present takes too much time. We think there's no way to do all the things we need to do and still be relational. The reality is, we usually can't do it all. We can, however, do enough. Stop saying no to your family and start setting more limits at work. As the saying goes, I've never heard anyone on their deathbed wish they had spent more time at work. Being present doesn't take nearly as much time as we think it does. It can only take five minutes.

[00:04:53] Just make sure those five minutes are saturated with your undivided attention. Challenge. Pay attention. Commit to choosing two out of the five suggestions into your interactions with your family this week. Continue to incorporate them regardless of the reactions you get in return. Sometimes, you've created more distance than you realized, so it will take more than a week to get back into your family's good graces. Notice the difference in yourself when you're truly present versus going through the motions.

[00:05:23] Good luck. You just listened to the post titled, Stop Zoning Out in Your Relationships and Start Being Present, Truly Present, by Lisa Merlot Booth of lisamerlotbooth.com. And thanks a lot to Lisa for that great post today. To me, if you say you can't relate to this one, I do not believe you. And I'm sorry. But we've all been here.

[00:05:50] We all know how it feels to be disengaged with strangers, acquaintances, and yes, loved ones. It's unfortunate to admit, but distraction has become the norm in a lot of ways, and does indeed affect the relationships with those we care most about. And maybe it feels like there's too much distraction these days, and that the presence that was easier to come by in the past is dead and gone. But, you know, we can't look at this as though we have to rekindle that all in one day.

[00:06:19] And if not, then it's not worth trying. Maybe presence will be difficult to rebuild, but being in love is as much about acts of love as it is feelings of love. And acts of love, or effort, will go a long way with this. So consider Lisa's suggestions. Maybe the 10 to 20 minute conversations with your partner at bedtime only happen three days this week instead of seven. It's still effort. It's still trying, and it is still showing an interest in connection.

[00:06:48] And that effort goes a long way, even if results are hard to come by at the beginning, or you can't put all the time aside that you'd like to. Just start small and see what happens. Okay, that is it for me, everyone. Thank you once more for joining today and contemplating Lisa's work with me. Enjoy the rest of your weekend. And if you're looking to start the work week off on the right foot, be sure to come on back tomorrow, as I will have another post to share with you, another post to inspire you, and where your optimal life awaits. And we're looking to start the work week off. And we're looking to start the work week off. And you're looking to start the work week off.