2506: Understanding Your Emotional Command Systems by Stacy Hubbard of Gottman How to Foster Deeper Connection

[00:00:00] This is Optimal Relationships Daily, Understanding Your Emotional Command Systems by Stacy Hubbard of Gottman.com According to research conducted by neuroscientist Dr. Jach Panksepp, there are seven distinct emotional command systems believed to be present in each person's brain. Each command system coordinates the emotional, behavioral, and physical responses needed for certain functions related to survival, including rest, procreation, and self-defense.

[00:00:30] Dr. Gottman labeled these systems to help people understand how each one functions. As he explains in The Relationship Cure, acknowledging emotional similarities and differences in your relationships is an important part of bidding and responding to bids for emotional connection. The 7 Emotional Command Systems What exactly are these emotional command systems? Imagine your nervous system as a railroad and your emotions as a train.

[00:00:57] The emotional command systems are the tracks on which your emotions run. The 7 Emotional Command Systems and what they're responsible for are Jester, play and fun. Jester, play and fun. Sensualist, attraction and lust. Nest Builder, affiliation, friendship, care, and nurturing. Commander in chief, dominance, control, and power. Explorer, searching, learning, and goal setting. Energy SAR, getting rest, finding food, and staying healthy.

[00:01:28] Sentry, vigilance, defense, and avoiding danger. Everyone has different levels of comfort within each system. For instance, Susan is not as comfortable with her Jester Command System as David. While David enjoys playing with their 7-year-old, Susan is more comfortable with her Sentry Command System, which is focused on protecting her son from getting hurt. Each system is key in your ability to respond to threat, fall in love, or be playful. These different command systems often work together to achieve a goal.

[00:01:57] For example, the Energy SAR might call upon the Explorer to search for food, or the Nest Builder may utilize the Sentry to protect her child and look out for danger. How your emotional command systems are formed. Your command systems are shaped by your temperament and family of origin. So, if you were raised in a family where your parents were always on the lookout for danger, you likely have a more highly developed Sentry system than someone who was raised in a home that was focused more on play, joking, and laughing,

[00:02:25] resulting in a more evolved Jester system for that person. Your life experiences also influence the development of your emotional command systems. As Dr. Gottman explains, Our environment actually affects the way nervous pathways in the brain get built. For example, the amount of wrestling and tickling a child gets may affect the formation of the system that coordinates play, the Jester. When your command systems are neglected

[00:02:52] When your preferred level of activation of a certain command system is not being met, you will feel distressed. For example, if you are someone who needs a lot of friendship and connection, like the Nest Builder, and you are relocated to a new city for a job where you know no one, you will inevitably experience distress because you are not meeting the need for connection and affiliation. If you are a commander-in-chief and you crave power and control, but you're dating someone else who likes to be in charge and call the shots,

[00:03:21] then conflict for power is bound to happen. Your command systems influence the emotional connection in your relationship. For example, Kate is more of an energy sar and she is married to John, who is more of a jester. Often John wants to go do fun activities, while Kate is worried about not getting enough sleep and staying healthy. By teaching Kate and John about the seven emotional command systems, they were able to talk about their differences to help them understand each other better. By understanding each other better,

[00:03:49] they stopped feeling hurt when the other partner wanted to express a different command system. When I worked with this couple, I helped them become attuned to each other's system and helped them find creative ways to build more fun and play and sensuality in their marriage. This is applicable even in the context of friendships and work relationships. If you are not comfortable with your commander-in-chief system, but you get a sudden promotion and are now in charge of a large team of people, this may be very uncomfortable for you. If you are an explorer at heart,

[00:04:18] but find yourself in a job that doesn't promote creativity, curiosity or learning, then you may become bored and lethargic. If you are a nest builder and your best friend moves away, you may find yourself quite lonely because you're no longer meeting that need for connection with your best friend. By understanding your emotional command systems, as well as the systems of your romantic partner, you can learn how to navigate the differences in a way that meets both partners' needs. As a result, you'll have a deeper intimate connection with each other

[00:04:47] because both of you feel understood and valued. You just listened to the post titled, Understanding Your Emotional Command Systems, by Stacey Hubbard of Gottman.com And a great post from Stacey today, full of important information for listeners, that is for sure. And of course we must keep in mind that we all possess all seven of the command systems. Sure, we might lean on some more than others,

[00:05:14] but it would be unwise to pigeonhole ourselves or anyone else into one or two command systems. And for couples, like Stacey was describing, it's really important not only to stay educated on one another's dominant systems, but it's also imperative to understand when each command system comes into play. So knowing which of our features come out at different times, and thus how we can both understand each other better in those times, and lean on one or the other to take the lead during them.

[00:05:44] It's really an acknowledgement of strengths, once couples decide what their objectives are. And it helps couples delegate, and it ensures that both partners have roles, equality, and can bring their best. So, an article chock full of lessons and potential discoveries for sure. It has come to an end though, friends, sadly. So I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did. I appreciate you being here, and of course I want to remind you that I will be back reading with you again tomorrow from another post that can help you build upon your relationships.

[00:06:12] So, I'll see you there, where your optimal life awaits.