2514: Beware of Frenemies: Six Relationship Tips by Dr. Diana Kirschner of Love in 90 Days on Dating Advice

[00:00:00] This is Optimal Relationships Daily, Beware of Frenemies, Six Relationship Tips by Dr. Diana Kirschner of Lovein90days.com In the Sex and the City movie, Miranda functions as a friend-turned-frenemy and helps derail her friend's dream wedding. At a strategic point in the upcoming nuptials, she opens her mouth and actually puts down the idea of marriage to the commitment-phobic groom.

[00:00:27] In this one act, Miranda puts a nail in the coffin of her best friend's dream. But there are love lessons learned from this scene. First of all, finding the one is a challenge and unfortunately, friends and family members can sometimes make it even tougher. When people in your inner circle become negative, pessimistic, competitive, jealous, or don't show you appreciation and or encouragement, it inflames your own doubts and fears.

[00:00:55] If you are in a new love relationship, these reactions can come on suddenly. Or they may be familiar and ingrained parts of lifetime relationships that are so subtle, you may not even be fully aware of them. In either case, your frenemies' reactions toward you and or your boyfriend can pull you both back into being hopeless. In extreme cases, they can sabotage a growing love relationship, as Miranda did in the Sex and the City movie.

[00:01:22] Negative reactions from people close to you can even stop you from getting out there and dating altogether. How do frenemies behave? I call people who interfere with your love life, frenemies. Ask yourself, do any of these descriptions sound familiar? A best friend who takes an instant dislike to a guy you really like. A friend who insists that all the good ones are taken. A sister or brother who reminds you of your past failures or the duds you've fallen for.

[00:01:51] A dad who criticizes any guy you bring around. A mom who clucks about how men would find you more attractive if you only lost those 10 pounds. And your two closest friends are no-shows at the first holiday party you're hosting with your number one guy. These are typical reactions of friends turned frenemies. Here are six relationship tips to use in handling frenemies and protecting your love relationship. Relationship Tip 1. Uncover Frenemies

[00:02:20] Who do you spend the most time with socially? For each person, journal about the following. A. Are they single? Are they in a relationship? If so, do they generally describe it as loving or not? B. Do you feel good hanging around them? How do you feel right after being with them? C. Are they supportive of your self-esteem and attractiveness? D. What are their attitudes towards love, men, or relationships in general?

[00:02:48] E. How do they react when you are in a relationship? C. Relationship Tip 2. Understand where they're coming from. C. My work over many years, including significant numbers of interviews with frenemies, indicates that their behavior is influenced by a potent combination of three factors. C. Negative programming, jealousy, and envy. C. Negative programming can be overt or subtle. C. They are carrying around their own stuff. C. It's not about you.

[00:03:16] C. Relationship Tip 3. Stop your whining C. Often, you are unconsciously encouraging your frenemies to be negative by complaining to them about what is wrong with your boyfriend. C. For three days, make a note of every time you complain to anyone. C. For the next three days, complain to no one. C. Journal about how this feels. C. Relationship Tip 4. Journal your reactions to family and frenemies.

[00:03:42] C. Begin to examine the quality of your relationships with your closest friends and family. C. Journal about their reactions to you after you've shared your excitement about a date, a particular guy, or the experiences you're having on your journey to love. C. Have their attitudes toward you changed? C. Are they less encouraging or supportive than before? C. Are they picky or hostile about the guys you see? C. Journal about your feelings, reactions, and moods after interacting with each of them.

[00:04:09] C. Keep careful notes about each interaction, especially observing whether your best friend, sister, etc., left you feeling inspired or deflated. C. If you notice there is a pattern developing, or that you've uncovered a long-standing habitual way they relate to you, you're going to have to deal with them directly. C. Relationship Tip 5. Show frenemies how to support you. C. Next, begin shaping your frenemies' behavior so they become more optimistic, attentive, supportive, and uplifting.

[00:04:39] C. You will feel better, and after they get the hang of it, they will too. C. To accomplish this goal, you will use what I call positive shaping talk. C. Clearly and lovingly ask for exactly what you want and need. C. Positive shaping talk works best when it comes from what I call positive paranoia. C. Here's what I mean. C. You know that the people in your posse love you and mean well, but don't always know how to show it.

[00:05:05] C. Often, we do not focus on the love that is truly there for us, but are distracted instead by surface interactions. C. We dwell on what a family member or friend is doing and saying in the moment, which can be quite dim-witted, unloving, or even unconsciously cruel. C. This puts us in a state of paranoia, where we suspect that the person may not care for us all that much. C. Focus instead on how much the person at their core really does love you, and you will get more of their caring.

[00:05:32] C. Refocusing on the love that might not be evident in the moment is positive paranoia. C. Look on your frenemies from a place of positive paranoia and practice positive shaping talk with them. C. You will come right out and ask for attention, validation, nurturance, or encouragement for your vision. C. You can be talking to your distant father and saying things like, C. I would love for you to pay attention and show me how much you appreciate my singing, my gifts, my creativity, my success.

[00:06:00] C. Give me a kiss. I'm ready for applause for my performance, etc. C. One sentence that really works is, C. I'd really love it if you would say or do blank. C. Relationship Tip 6. Build a boundary around toxic people and frenemies. C. When close friends or family undermine your love life and fail to come through for you, even though you have acted more upbeat and used positive paranoia and positive shaping talk, it's time to put some distance between you.

[00:06:30] C. Move to a more cordial relationship where you do not discuss personal matters. C. If they are too negative or abusive, you may temporarily need to break off the relationship so that your energy is freely devoted to creating love. C. As hard as this is, remember you get to choose who you spend your time with. C. Anyone can make a mistake and can turn frenemy on you, just like Miranda did in the SATC movie. But if this does happen, follow these steps and you will find that you can turn things around

[00:06:58] so that you have a truly supportive posse. C. You just listened to the post titled, C. Beware of Frenemies, 6 Relationship Tips by Dr. Diana Kirshner of LoveIn90Days.com. C. And thanks so much to Dr. Diana for this post. C. I just really love how she encouraged a grounded perspective in this article and shifted our mindsets to two important places.

[00:07:25] C. So one being the fact that our loved ones are often trying to help us and or are damaged themselves. C. And the other being that we may be contributing to them being frenemies more than we know. C. These are always two wonderful perspectives to take when we are at odds with someone. C. How are they hurt slash how are they trying to help? C. And what am I unknowingly doing that's unhealthy for the relationship or causing them to act out in a way that displeases me?

[00:07:53] C. This kind of reflection is so enormously applicable and can often make the difference in any relationship. C. I truly believe that. C. So, some things to think about. C. We are done though, my friends. C. Thanks a lot for being here today and staying through the end. C. I know you have a lot of podcast choices, so it does mean a lot that you come to us. C. And we'll be keeping the ball rolling tomorrow with another post. C. So, be sure to come on back and join for that one, where your optimal life awaits.