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Episode 2520:
Bringing debt into a relationship is a tricky subject, with strong opinions on both ends of the spectrum. Jen Hayes argues that while love shouldn’t be solely about money, expecting a partner to take on significant debt is a major ask, especially if there’s no clear plan for repayment. She also emphasizes the importance of financial transparency, acknowledging that while discussing debt too soon may scare people off, waiting too long can erode trust.
Read along with the original article(s) here: https://www.jenhayes.me//bring-debt-relationship/
Quotes to ponder:
"Money shouldn’t be the ONLY thing that matters, but asking someone to accept your $100k of debt is a lot to expect."
"Lying about something as important as debt is a good way to destroy trust."
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[00:00:00] Now before we start, you might want to check out our other podcasts covering topics like personal development and minimalism, money, health, relationships, and more. So to optimize your life in other areas, just search for Optimal Living Daily in your podcast app. Now on to the show. Hello, everybody, and welcome back to another Sunday bonus episode of ORD with me, your host, Greg Audino.
[00:00:25] And in this week's bonus episode, I'm going to share with you a previous airing from our finance show, Optimal Finance Daily, on which our host there, Diana, will read to you and offer her commentary the same way I normally do on our show. There's a lot to learn in this one about both relationships and finance. So listen closely as we optimize your life.
[00:00:50] Should You Bring Debt into a Relationship by Jen Hayes of JenHayes.me I recently read an article on Frugal Beautiful called Relationship Rants, How to Stop Lying About Your Debt. Shannon says that bringing debt into a relationship is not cool and that the idea that money is irrelevant in relationships is silly. The post includes an e-card that reads, quote,
[00:01:17] You say love is more important than money. Have you ever tried paying your bills with a hug? End quote. The issue of love and money is a complicated one. There are people on both ends of the spectrum. Some people say that love is absolutely more important than money and that if you truly love someone, you shouldn't care about their low income or their outrageous debt load.
[00:01:40] On the opposite end of the spectrum, some trolls or people say that those who have debt are unworthy of love. These people argue that you need to get your financial s*** together before you get married or commit to a relationship. After reading the article and the comments, I think there are really two separate issues that need to be addressed. One, is it okay to bring your own debt into a relationship?
[00:02:07] And two, how soon into the relationship should you broach the topic of debt? In other words, how long is it acceptable to hide your debt? At what point in the relationship do you need to come clean? Is love more important than money? This question came up one time when I was having a discussion with friends. A friend told a group of us that her ex-boyfriend had been concerned about her $100,000 of student loan debt.
[00:02:34] It wasn't the reason for their breakup, but it was something that bothered him. Another friend said, It shouldn't matter. Love is more important than money. I disagree. Money shouldn't be the only thing that matters. But asking someone to accept your $100,000 of debt is a lot to expect. That kind of debt is crushing. It will impact your life and your potential spouses for many years to come.
[00:03:01] I know this because my husband and I started with $117,000 of debt. It's not an easy road. And financial problems are the number one cause of divorce in the U.S. It might seem strange that I would say it's totally understandable for someone to break up with their significant other because of their prospective spouse's debt. Even though I married a man with debt. Why did I do it? My hubby and I met when I was 19.
[00:03:29] Manages money well wasn't high on my list of things I was looking for in a boyfriend at that time. After we finished college and grad school, we both had student loan debt. Because we both had debt, neither of us were scared off by the other person's debt. Truthfully, we were both idiots about money at that time and we had no idea how much of an impact our student loans were going to have on our lives. If we had met when we were older and wiser, things might have played out differently.
[00:03:59] The point is, when you're entering a relationship with someone who has a lot of debt and you don't have any debt, it's understandable if this concerns you. It should, especially if the person doesn't have a plan for getting out of debt and is continuing to make poor financial choices. Even if the person is frugal and has a game plan, a high amount of debt will still have a large impact on both of your lives. If you're willing to deal with that, awesome.
[00:04:26] If not, that's totally understandable. So to answer the question, should you bring debt into a relationship? My opinion is that it's fine as long as your partner is okay with it. If they aren't, it doesn't mean that they don't really care about you or that they're a bad person. It just means that they understand how difficult it can be to be buried in debt. Ideally, you should have a plan to get out of debt and it should be clearly communicated who is going to be responsible for the debt.
[00:04:55] I think it's understandable if you don't want to pay for someone else's debt. It's also understandable if you do want to help. Maybe your spouse works hard but is in an undervalued field while you pull in a six-figure salary. If you have the means to help and you truly want to, no one should make you feel badly for doing so. Is it ever okay to hide debt?
[00:05:19] Most people would probably agree that hiding debt from your partner is not cool, especially if you're engaged or married. It's best to be open and to communicate about problems before they spiral too far out of control. Lying about something as important as debt is a good way to destroy trust. On the other hand, if you start babbling about your $120,000 in student loans or your $30,000 credit card debt on the first date,
[00:05:47] you'll probably scare away potential partners pretty quickly. The question is, when do you open up about your debt? Talking about money right from the get-go doesn't seem appropriate, but how long do you wait? Do you bring it up after three months, six months, a year, until you're living together or engaged? What do you think? You just listened to the post titled,
[00:06:15] Should You Bring Debt Into a Relationship? by Jen Hayes of jenhayes.me. This article made me think of a great Facebook group called Singles in the Pursuit of Financial Independence. While I'm not single, I joined this group because I included a speed dating session as a part of the last economy conference. This activity was getting some discussion in the group, so I joined to answer questions and encourage people to participate.
[00:06:42] But I have to tell you, I'm really enjoying the thoughtfulness and great discussions I'm seeing in this Facebook group, so I've been chiming in with additional thoughts around love and money. One group member mentioned that they had met someone they really connected with. It felt like a once-in-a-lifetime connection, and he was totally infatuated with this woman. But she didn't care much about personal finance, and he was hesitant to allow himself to continue to fall for her
[00:07:09] because he worried she wouldn't make a good life partner. This seemed a bit silly to me for a few reasons. Firstly, it's a rare thing to experience fireworks with another person, so when it comes along, I think it's a good idea to savor it. Many people are in our lives for a season and ultimately will not stand the test of time. So I think it's best to remember that it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
[00:07:40] Infatuation with another human is an incredible life experience, something no amount of money can buy. You can still enjoy it without it having to lead to marriage or a lifelong partnership. And secondly, he was definitely putting the cart before the horse and trying to solve for a problem that didn't exist. This was a new relationship. They weren't making plans at this point for a serious commitment.
[00:08:06] So to cut it short over a mismatch on financial goals or even interest felt premature to me. Money is an incredible tool that we can use to build a rich life experience. But if we don't have our priorities straight, we might unintentionally use it to build a wall around our hearts. That'll do it for today and another installment of Optimal Finance Daily. Thank you for being here every day and listening.
[00:08:33] And I'll see you on the Friday show tomorrow, where your optimal life awaits.