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Episode 2522:
Couples often underestimate the importance of daily communication, leading to emotional distance over time. Lisa Merlo-Booth introduces a simple yet powerful tool, the check-in, to foster connection and intimacy. By setting aside just 15-30 minutes each day to share thoughts and experiences without distractions or problem-solving, partners can strengthen their bond and create a deeper sense of partnership in their relationship.
Read along with the original article(s) here: https://lisamerlobooth.com/a-simple-tool-f/
Quotes to ponder:
"Intimacy is all about sharing your world with your partner. You can’t do this if you barely talk to one another."
"Remember that intimacy means ‘Into me you see.’ In order to be intimate, you have to share a part of yourself, otherwise, you're roommates with benefits."
"You listen to your partner’s life happenings because you love your partner and to make a relationship work, you have to be relational."
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[00:00:00] This is Optimal Relationships Daily, a simple tool for connection in relationships. The Check-In by Lisa Merlo-Booth of lisamerlobooth.com In my work with couples throughout the years, I've been amazed by how little partners talk with one another. Sure, there's the obligatory hello and how was your day, but beyond that there's very little communicating going on. Some couples don't even say hello.
[00:00:25] I still find this to be surprising and sad. I can't imagine coming home every night and not having an adult conversation with my partner. How lonely. Intimacy is all about sharing your world with your partner. You can't do that if you barely talk to one another. The reality is people need connection, plain and simple. If people aren't feeling connected at home, they will go outside the home.
[00:00:49] Women will often turn to their girlfriends to fuel them emotionally, while the men turn to work. After a while, both parties are getting a majority of their needs met outside the relationship. It's often only a matter of time before this distance becomes too great to surmount. If you have a motivated partner, there's a simple tool you can put into place to help increase the connection and reduce the distance. The Check-In.
[00:01:12] The Check-In is a simple way to keep the communication flowing in your relationship and to help one another to decompress from their day. The Check-In is a brief 15-30 minute conversation in which each partner checks in about their day. Both partners take turns discussing any positive, negative, exciting, or stressful moments that occurred throughout the day.
[00:01:32] This includes areas of uncertainty, worries, and concerns. Each partner can view this time as an opportunity to decompress and let go of any negative energy that he or she comes home with. When done well, the Check-In can be a great grounding tool for couples. It enhances the friendship between the partners and serves as a quick connector in a stressful world. Be sure, however, to follow the ground rules following. Ground Rules
[00:01:58] Give your partner your undivided attention. Do not multitask while talking. Put your paper down. Shut off the TV, radio, and computer. Do not answer the phone during this time. Keep the Check-In to a manageable time period of 15-30 minutes. It's best to do this when children are in bed to keep distractions to a minimum. Do not discuss any problems in the relationship during your Check-In. The Check-In is a sacred space for both of you to decompress about the outside world.
[00:02:26] Do not cross over into your relationship difficulties. When you're sharing your side, be clear what you want from your partner. If you just want him or her to listen and be empathic, say so. If you'd like help brainstorming solutions, ask for help. Don't assume your partner knows what you want, and don't get angry if he or she is not giving you something you didn't ask for. When you are the one sharing, share. Do not make your partner pull teeth. That's annoying.
[00:02:53] Whether your partner understands your job or not is irrelevant. Share your daily happenings with her or him, and make space for your partner to join your world. Just saying your day was fine is not sharing. In fact, it's annoying. Choose two to three incidents or happenings or difficulties from your day and bring them home to share. You will notice a difference, and so will your partner. Learn to get interested in your partner's day.
[00:03:19] Many people tune their partner out because they say they're not interested in what their partner does all day. Tough. Your life is no endless road of excitement either. Have humility, patience, and acceptance. You listen to your partner's life happenings because you love your partner. And to make a relationship work, you have to be relational. So step up and listen like you care. You might be surprised by what you learn and by the shift that happens in your relationship as a result.
[00:03:46] When you are the listener, your whole job is to be empathic to your partner and be supportive. Now is not the time to tell your partner where you believe he or she went wrong. Just listen and support. This sounds like, Wow, that sounds hard. I'm sorry you had such a difficult day. Is there anything I can do to help? Don't put in your two cents if your partner didn't ask and don't take the other person's side even if you think your partner was off, unless he or she asks for your opinion on how they handled the situation.
[00:04:15] Even then, tread carefully. Remember, that intimacy means into me you see. In order to be intimate, you have to share part of yourself. Otherwise, you're roommates with benefits. Being roommates gets lonely. Dare to ask for more in your relationships. Challenge If you happen to be in a relationship where there is little communication, ask your partner if he or she would be willing to try the check-in.
[00:04:43] If the answer is yes, follow the rules and see how it goes. If the answer is no, ask your partner if he or she has an alternative solution to the lack of communication going on between the two of you. And if so, try that one. If your partner is not willing to do anything, you have a bigger issue that may need outside help. You just listened to the post titled, A Simple Tool for Connection in Relationships.
[00:05:10] The Check-In by Lisa Merlot Booth of lisamerlotbooth.com And thanks so much to Lisa for that great post. Highly appreciative of this work and the fact that she's let us share it. And if I might add one note, maybe as another ground rule, it would be to create as much structure as possible around this check-in so as to make sure that it happens. Obviously, both parties should remain flexible,
[00:05:34] but these check-ins are much more likely to not get skipped if you commit to having them at the same time and place each day. You might even have some popcorn at the same time too. I don't know. Whatever you can do to make this into more of a ritual will help it recur and will also instill a sense of joy because it's feeling more like a shared objective and something that you two are always doing for one another rather than something that's just for your individual selves. And that small shift can go a really long way.
[00:06:05] So, good luck with this, lovers. This episode has come to an end. But I thank you for being here and listening all the way through. And I encourage you to come on back tomorrow where I'll have another post for you. That's where your optimal life awaits. Let's wait.